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General Forums => Generic Discussion => Topic started by: Alpha-Omega on December 31, 2007, 10:52:30 PM

Title: Chicago Diary
Post by: Alpha-Omega on December 31, 2007, 10:52:30 PM

The following recipie for chocolate chip cookies recently appeared in Chemical & Engineering News (C&EN, Jun 19, 1995, p. 100). It was attributed to Jeannene Ackerman of Witco Corp.
 1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
 2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
 3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
 4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated
    tallow triglyceride
 5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
 6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
 7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of
    protocatechuic aldehyde
 8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated
    avain albumen-coated protien
 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume
    meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one, two, and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous.

To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Title: Chicago Diary
Post by: Alpha-Omega on December 31, 2007, 10:53:35 PM
Chicago Diary
•   Aug 12: Moved to our new home in Chicago . It is so beautiful here. The landscape is so majestic. Can hardly wait to see it with snow. I love it here,
•   Oct 14: Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful country and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.
•   Nov 11: Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
•   Dec 2: It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looked like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel again. What a beautiful place. I love Chicago .
•   Dec 12: More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here!
•   Dec 19: More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Damn snow plow.
•   Dec 22: More of that white s#*$ fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. *Ignore me, I am a weenie*!
•   Dec 25: Merry @*!!@#@! Christmas! More friggin snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-b$*%( who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ice.
•   Dec 27: More white s#*$ last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white s#*$. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the stuff again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?
•   Dec 28: The friggin weatherman was wrong. We got 43" of that white s#*$ this time. At this rate it won't melt before next summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the s#*$ he pushed into the driveway, I broke the last one over his head.
•   Jan 4: Finally out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those friggin beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed ALL of them last November.
•   May 3: Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that lousy salt they put all over the road.
•   May 10: Moved to Texas . I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would want to live in that God-forsaken state of Illinois .

Title: Re: Chemist Recipe for CCC
Post by: Borek on January 01, 2008, 06:35:12 AM
Seen that, and to be honest I can't believe someone prepared such a thing. IMHO no chemist in his right mind will give these volumes instead of masses, unless forced to :)
Title: Re: Chemist Recipe for CCC
Post by: billnotgatez on January 01, 2008, 12:26:42 PM
I had posted this before in this very forum.  It is amusing

The one about exothermic or endothermic hell is here somewhere as well

You can search these forums.
Title: Human Chemistry
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 01, 2008, 04:18:21 PM
Human Chemistry

Element: WOMAN

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: 120 +/-

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. -----

Element: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: 180 +/- 100

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flakey.

Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Title: Re: Human Chemistry
Post by: Mitch on January 01, 2008, 04:34:27 PM
good one, nice find. :)
Title: This Forum So Saves My Sanity
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 12:44:35 AM
If it were not for solving these problems....LOL Might just lose my mind at work:

Todays Philosophy:  IC Philosophy...and I think I repeated this 18 times today-

Columns are NOT plug and play devices, suppressors are self-regenerating they are  NOT immortal, and you should NOT freeze or boil your standards.

And OH BTW   running 18.2 MOhm Water thru an electrolytic system for 4 DAYS...well....yes it will take quite awhile to reequilibrate..

WHAT A WONDERFUL 1st day back at work..
ok... these are the What, When, Who, How, Why of Chromatography troubleshooting as I learned them...

Determines what gets detected... the column
Determines when gets detected... mobile phase/column
Determines who gets detected... analyst
Determines how gets detected... anything but column
Determines why gets detected... LIFE

Title: They Walk Among Us
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 12:45:45 AM
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I
gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her
and I told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money
back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane.....They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already
buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free Lattes and Iwalked out the door. ....They Walk Among Us and Many Work

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said, "Where?" ....They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime,
she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that
stuff."   ....They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week."   He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to
end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." ....They Walk
Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk of her car.
....They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. ....They
Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up.  She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived
yet?" ....They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it
cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding."Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces." ....Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF
ALL.....they VOTE!
Title: Smart Ass Answers According To Readers Digest
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 12:47:22 AM
SMART ASS ANSWERS according to Reader's Digest:
Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Smart Ass Answer #1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Title: Only In America
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 12:48:49 AM
Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.

Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?   

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?   

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?   

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?   

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?   

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?   

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?   

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?   

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?   

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?   

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!   

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?   

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle) other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

    Did you smile?     

Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 12:54:10 AM
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert The saying; "If y ou don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?


Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else.

Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?






Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?


Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions??

If you said "glass," then! go on to Question 4.


4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over

Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically

divided into West Germany and E ast Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors?

East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?


Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.


5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?


Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your "smart friends"

and hope they do better than you did.

Post by: Mitch on January 03, 2008, 01:27:36 AM
Woot, got all of them. :)
Title: Test For Dementia
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 01:28:52 AM
Test for Dementia

B elow are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediat ely . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? 



Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong ! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you? 

Third Question:
V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?

Scroll down for answer..   


Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day , is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....   

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?



Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?




He just has to open his mouth and ask... 
It's really very simple.... Like you!

Title: Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 01:30:14 AM
Phrases you wish you could say at work:


1. Ahhh...I see the stupid fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

27. Do I look like a people person?

28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

31. You!... Off my planet!

32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

35. Allow me to introduce my selves.

36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Title: Disorder In The Court
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 01:33:28 AM
They should have given the names of the Attorneys so we would not end up hiring one of them.


Subject:    Disorder In The Court


   These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these attorneys are the
smartest of their profession. I hope none of them represented you.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
  ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Carrie!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn 't it true that when a person dies in his
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Jesus Christ! Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 18th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... are you serious.....I was on my back gett'in laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, this guy's an *Ignore me, I am a weenie*, I
think I need a  different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table, wearing only a sheet,
wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! What the hell are you drinking ?

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law.


Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 01:35:19 AM
LMAO...well I did fact my friend read me these over the phone while I was driving home from work LMAO...
Title: Re: Test For Dementia
Post by: FeLiXe on January 03, 2008, 10:19:36 AM
pretty cool :)

i only got the last two right which i knew from before
Title: New Scientific Discovery!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 01:45:12 PM
A South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity, read their email with their hand on the mouse..


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

Title: New Research-7 Kinds of Sex-HHHHMMMMMM
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 05:39:52 PM
Subject: 7 kinds of sex

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet Someone and you both have sex until you are Blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner For a short time and you are so needy you will Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and You usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

* This is when you have been with your partner For too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your wife any More. She takes you to court and screws you In front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month.

But not enough to enjoy your self.


I have enough problems of my own.

Title: The Rake-A Classic
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 05:51:52 PM
Title: Three Things To Ponder
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 05:53:51 PM
Three Things to Ponder:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments


Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad
cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state
of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they
are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
< BR>


They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it
has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of
lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

Title: Two Nuns-Sister mathematical and Sister Logical
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 03, 2008, 06:02:13 PM
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
Title: When You Have an "I Hate My Job" Day-TRY THIS!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 05, 2008, 09:40:05 PM
WHEN you have an “I Hate My Job” day, try this:


On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.


Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:


“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”


Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson.”

Title: The 4 Cats
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 05, 2008, 09:49:35 PM
The Four Cats !
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant
The third man was a Chemist
The fourth man was a Government Employee

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
 "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
 "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies..
Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

hen the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,drank the milk,,,,,,,,,sh*t on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,

put in for Workers Compensation...and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..

Title: Re: When You Have an "I Hate My Job" Day-TRY THIS!!!!
Post by: Mitch on January 05, 2008, 11:40:14 PM
hehe, good one.
Title: Re: When You Have an "I Hate My Job" Day-TRY THIS!!!!
Post by: Kryolith on January 06, 2008, 07:13:42 AM
lol, really funny  ;D
Title: Twenty Dollars-Savings Account
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 06, 2008, 04:23:20 PM

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the  results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Title: Re: Twenty Dollars-Savings Account
Post by: Mitch on January 06, 2008, 04:41:02 PM
Its true, we don't!
Title: HIGH HOTEL BILL-Consider This
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 06, 2008, 08:27:34 PM
The next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston .
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep
for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and
Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter
what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is
surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is
only made out for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."...
Title: OH MY OSH-P&G Customer Complaint
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 07, 2008, 12:57:40 PM
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company,

Proctor and Gamble, regarding their feminine products. She really gets

rolling after the first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for

best webmail-award-winning letter....

      Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.  Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial It is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and Secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?

Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't.  Well, my time of the month is starting right now.  As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.  In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.  Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
    'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to Slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep Always.


  Wendi Aarons
Title: One Night Stand or Booty Call
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 07, 2008, 01:07:55 PM
This One Night Stand or Booty Call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the
"Agreement") is entered into as of the _____ day of__________, 200_.THIS


2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the

3. No calls before 9pm (we do not have anything to talk about)

4. None of that "lovemaking" stuff--strictly mind-blowing sex allowed.

5. No emotional discussions... (Ex. Where are we heading with this? Do you
Love me? - Hell no- so do not ask stupid questions.

6. No plans made in advance ... That is why you are called the "backup"
Unless you are from out of town-then its only a one time advanced

7. All gifts accepted (money and diamonds are always good).

8. No baby talk (however, dirty talk is encouraged).

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers (it is really none of your
Damn business).

10. No kissing, it's too intimate (except to other body parts).

11. No calling each other "friends with benefits" (we are not friends just
Sex buddies).

12. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK (do not be offended).

13. No extra clothing (I do not want your ass leaving anything behind when
You leave).

14. No falling asleep right after sex (get your ass up and go home).

15. Don't be offended if I do not ask if you enjoyed it (I do not care).

16. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

17. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be, "My
Roommate's' girlfriend/boyfriend".

18. Doggie style preferred (just hit it hard and right or get the hell out).

19. Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better (do not want to
Look at your ass - just want to have sex with you).

20. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME (so do not keep
Calling damn it).

21. The most important one - (NO CONDOMS-NO SEX)

22. Bring your own drink (I am not your liquor store).

23. No phone usage please (do not want anyone calling back looking for your

EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL ONE NIGHT STANDS/BOOTY CALLS:The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, this Agreement will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. You will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

Participating Party Signature: _________________________________ Date:

Participating Party Signature: _________________________________ Date:

Title: The Value of a Catholic Education
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 07, 2008, 01:09:06 PM
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil
 You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
 Usually she slept through the class.
 One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
Behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
 A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnn y came to her rescue
And stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
 The Nun asked her a third quest ion..."What did Eve say to Adam after she
Had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing
In me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted...
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 07, 2008, 01:11:16 PM
This is one for you smart people..

Try to read this.  I'm sure you can....but it's interesting.

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a
wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 07, 2008, 01:14:13 PM
The difference between "guts" and "balls":

    Guts - is arriving home late after a night out
with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a
broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

     Balls - is coming home late after a night out
with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick
on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and
having the balls to say, "You're next."



Make sure your brain's engaged before you put your
mouth in gear...

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...or that you could
crawl into a hole?

These are testimonials of a few people who did.
1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you
charge for a shampoo and a blow-job?"I  turned around
and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word... he knew better.

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds
of golf balls. I was  unhappy with the women's type I
had been using. After browsing for  several minutes, I
was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I  looked at him and said, "I think
I like playing with men's balls."

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
store that sold a  variety of candy and nuts. As we
were looking at the display case, the  boy behind the
counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No,
I'm  just looking at your nuts." My sister started to
laugh hysterically, the  boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away. This my sister has
never let me forget.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my
toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran
amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I'll
tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee
last night!". The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what
they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity
and walked out of the bank  with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed  behind me
were screams of laughter.

5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems
with potty training and I was on at him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something
funny. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go
potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that
child has had an accident and don't have any clothes
with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you sure you didn't
have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that
he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny,
did you have an accident?" This time he jumped
up,yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While
30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for
the best laugh they'd ever had!

6. Here's what happens when you predict snow but
don't get any.  A true story!! We had a female news
anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me
last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 07, 2008, 01:14:42 PM
Smart Comments
Try using these some time...
1.   Ahhh...I see the f&#$-up fairy has visited us again...
2.   The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3.   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4.   Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5.   I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
6.   I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7.   What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8.   I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9.   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10.   Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
11.   I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12.   It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13.   No, my powers can only be used for good.
14.   How about never? Is never good for you?
15.   I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16.   You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17.   I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18.   I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19.   I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20.   Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21.   My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22.   It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23.   At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24.   You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25.   I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26.   Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Post by: Arkcon on January 07, 2008, 03:23:06 PM
27.  I'd like to help you, but I have no training in child psychology.  (Like all the others, it's a funny one to spring on people who weren't expecting you to be a smart@$$) :D
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 07, 2008, 06:11:50 PM
28.  It is good you know your limitations.

29.  We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary."
"Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
Disclaimer: I speak for no one and no one speaks for me...

If you repeat things often enough, they become true

If you repeat things often enough, they become true.

If you repeat things often enough, they become true.

Title: A Blonde's Year In Review
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 12:53:22 AM
A Blonde's Year in Review.

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was
too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
Helllloooo!!!..bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.. finished jigsaw puzzle
in 6 months..
box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours . power went

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8
cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing..couldn't find a lake
wit h a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming
competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm..
car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C"...isn't

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days . instructions
said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 . "duh"..there's no
"eleven" button
on the stupid phone!!!


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she
went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzledby her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
Title: Blonde Parks Car In Snow
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 12:54:04 AM
Blonde Parks Car In Snow

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary . One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered s ide of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park... "then the electric power goes out. Norman 's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Title: OK I Might Do This-LOL
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 12:56:54 AM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.." he said with a deep sigh....

"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
Title: 3 Detectives
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 12:58:03 AM
3 Detectives
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Title: The Princess
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 01:03:07 AM
Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;




anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.


The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touch! ed it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance ! in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)

M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
Title: Blonde Handywoman
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 01:04:02 AM
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself  out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if He had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it Two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".
Title: Alabama Blonde
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 01:04:52 AM
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.  A very
attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty
thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play  topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Southern
Girl needs new clothes!"  As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and
squealed "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"  She hugged each of the dealers...and then
picked up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at
each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral of the story: Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men... are men.

Title: A Blonde's Understanding of Football
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 01:05:58 AM
Football FINALLY makes sense..

   A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

   Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

    "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the

   I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Title: Male Bashing
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 01:08:26 AM
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
      Sweatshirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
      He shouted to Me, "What setting do I use on the washing
      "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
      He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
        And they say blondes are dumb...
      A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you
      The happiest woman in the world"
      The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
      "It's just too hot to wear clothes  today," Jack says as he
        Out of    the shower, "honey, what do  you think the neighbors
        Would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
      "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
      He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make
       To you really badly.
      She said - Well, you succeeded.
      He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
      She said - That's a good ! Idea... You stand by the ironing board
      While  I sit on the sofa and fart.
      He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
      Gave you?
      She said -Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
      Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
      A: A rumor
      A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
      Wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to
      And said that because they had been so  good that each of them
      Could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world
      With her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise
      In her hands. The husband wished for a female companion
      30 years  younger.  Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
      Gotta love that fairy!
      A PRAYER....
      Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
      Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.
      Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
      Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
      A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck
           And the noose.
      Q: Why do little boys whine?
      A: They are practicing to be men.
      Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      A: One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to
        Revolve around him.  OR Three. One to screw in the bulb
        And two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
      Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
      A: Trustworthy.
      Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
           For breath and calling your name?
      A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
      Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
      A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
      Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
      A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
      Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
      A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
      Q: What is the difference between men and women?
      A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
      A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
      Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
      A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Title: Blonde Baptist Cowgirl
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 01:09:50 AM
> A cowgirl, who is visiting South Carolina from Texas, walks into a
> bar and
> orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room,
> drinking a sip
> out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to
> the bar
> and orders three more.
> The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug
> goes flat
> after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
> The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
> Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
> Texas, we
> promised that we'd drink this way to remember
> the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each
> of my
> sisters and one for myself."
> The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
> The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
> same way.
>   She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
> One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
> notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second
> round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,
> but I
> wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
> The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in
> her
> eyes and she laughs.
> "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my
> husband
> and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
> "Hasn't affected my sisters though."
Title: Something To Offend Everyone
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 01:13:31 AM
Something to Offend Everyone

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
" Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you .

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
" Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s#*$..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides!

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags
his tail instead of his
Title: Questions on The Redneck Engineers Exam
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 01:25:37 AM
Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest
when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford
Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.
If your uncle builds a still that operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car
radiators are necessary to condense the product?
A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700
rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?
If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge
of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in
the ozone layer?
A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many hound dogs will be killed?
A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in
a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5
children. Can each of the children place a mobile home
on the man's land?
A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards
down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The
brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary
roads, what are the chances that it will strike a
vehicle that has a muffler?
A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift.
A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift.
How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked
during the shift?
At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5%
per generation, how long will it take a town that has
been bypassed by the interstate to breed a
country-western singer?
Title: Engineers Explained
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 01:27:40 AM
I don't know who to credit for this but it seems
fairly accurate:

People who work in the fields of science and
technology are not like
other people.  This can be frustrating to the
nontechnical people who
have to deal with them.  The secret to coping with
people is to understand their motivations.  This
chapter will teach you
everything you need to know.  I learned their customs
and mannerisms by
observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned
about the great apes,
but without the hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody
wants to be one.  The
word "engineer" is greatly overused.  If there's
somebody in your life
who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give
him this test to
discern the truth.
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is
hanging crooked.
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months
designing a
solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while
often stating aloud
your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be
given to anybody who
writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or
simply blames the whole
stupid thing on "Marketing."
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to
social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several
unrealistic things from
social interaction:
   *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
   *Important social contacts
   *A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have
rational objectives for
social interactions:
  *Get it over with as soon as possible.
  *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
  *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be
placed into one of two
categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and
(2)things that will need
to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play
with them. Engineers
like to solve problems.  If there are no problems
handily available, they
will create their own problems.  Normal people don't
understand this
concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't
fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control
without wondering what
it would take to turn it into a stun gun.  No engineer
can take a shower
without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would
make showering
unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box
full of
sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer,
assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been
satisfied.  If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if
no genitalia or
mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then
the objective of
clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows
and movies.  It's
a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship
Enterprise are
portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with
aliens.  This is
much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer,
which consists of
hiding from the universe and having sex without the
participation of
other life forms.
Dating is never easy for engineers.  A normal person
will employ various
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false
impression of
attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing
appearance above
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole.  They
are widely
recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent,
employed, honest, and handy around the house.  While
it's true that many
normal people would prefer not to date an engineer,
most normal people
harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus
producing engineer-like
children who will have high-paying jobs long before
losing their
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual
attractiveness later than
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in
their mid thirties
to late forties. Just look at these examples of
sexually irresistible
men in technical professions:
     *  Bill Gates.
     *  MacGyver.
     *  Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of
consent and remain
that way until about thirty minutes after their
clinical death.  Longer
if it's a warm day.
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology
and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep
engineers away from
customers, romantic interests, and other people who
can't handle the
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work.
They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody
could be expected
to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is
listed below.
     "I won't change anything without asking you
     "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
     "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
     "I'm not jealous of your new computer."
Engineers are notoriously frugal.  This is not because
of cheapness or
mean spirit; it is simply because every spending
situation is simply a
problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape
this situation while
retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it
is the ability to
concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion
of everything else
in the environment.  This sometimes causes engineers
to be pronounced
dead prematurely.  Some funeral homes in high-tech
areas have started
checking resumes before processing the bodies.
Anybody with a degree in
electrical engineering or experience in computer
programming is propped
up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or
she snaps out of
Engineers hate risk.  They try to eliminate it
whenever they can.  This
is understandable, given that when an engineer makes
one little mistake,
the media will treat it like it's a big deal or
 *   Hindenberg.
 *   Space Shuttle Challenger.
 *   SPANet(tm)
 *   Hubble space telescope.
 *   Apollo 13.
 *   Titanic.
 *   Ford Pinto.
 *   Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks
something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of
innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome
plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this
balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.  The
best way to avoid
risk is by advising that any activity is technically
impossible for
reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project,
then the engineer
will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's
technically possible
but it will cost too much."
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
     *   How smart they are.
     *   How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem
is to declare that
the problem is unsolvable.  No engineer can walk away
from an unsolvable
problem until it's solved.  No illness or distraction
is sufficient to
get the engineer off the case.  These types of
challenges quickly become
personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws
of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to
solve a problem.
(Other times just because they forgot.)  And when they
succeed in
solving the problem they will experience an ego rush
that is better than
sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other
people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the
suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill.  Normal people
sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the
engineer.  When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code
phrase that means it's
not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned
to glance at the
engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say
something along these
lines:  "I'll ask Bob to figure it out.  He knows how
to solve difficult
technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person
to not stand
between the engineer and the problem.  The engineer
will set upon the
problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

Title: Things Only A True Southerner Knows
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 01:31:53 AM

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a
hissie fit and a conniption ...
... and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH"

Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard
greens, turnip reens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a

Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you
the general direction of "yonder."
Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long
"directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back

All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme
some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular
sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on
the middle of the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept

Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the
best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got
trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl
of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a
real crisis, they also know to add a large banana
Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece." They
also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or
Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'
white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with
the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a
A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a
noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger"can
be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in"that
ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out
at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
Only true Southerners make friends while standing in
lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and
whenwe're "in line," we talk to everybody!
Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them
will discover they're related, even if only by
True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to
eat them.

Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye
gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green
tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself
lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a
genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet
milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots
of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet
milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple
of friends, you could be with 2 or 10. The number
doesn't matter.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream
obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on
the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go
your own way.

Title: Message From The Southern Tourism Bureau
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 01:33:15 AM
A message from the Southern Tourism Bureau to Visiting
Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:
Behaviors that will make your visit much more pleasant
Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle
House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24
hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you
confuse them, they'll woop you.
Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie,
Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy
Joe, Billy Bob, Joe Bob, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we
will just HAVE to woop you.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a
flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up
or whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an wooping - and often does.
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also
better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer
to any group of us as a "bunch of hillbillies", or
we'll woop you. And you may be happy that we kicked
you ass when you think about the movie Deliverance,

We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI-WorldCom, MTV, Netscape, Walmart).
Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in
judgment (e.g., Edwards, Duke, Clinton). We don't care
if you think we are dumb because we know you are dumb.
Just remember, we are not dumb enough to let someone
move to our state in order to take our seat in the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would woop

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be
paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving,
we'll have no other option but to woop you.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is; we are
not dumb; see #5 above. Therefore, shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or
we'll woop you.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone
will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your
biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. When we are
forced to go up North, we have the good sense not to
ask for okra and collard greens on one of your hero
sandwiches. And don't put sugar on your grits, or
we'll woop you.
Don't fake a Southern accent. This will almost
assuredly incite a riot, and you will get wooped
multiple times by multiple people.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home
because we know better. Many of us have had to visit
Northern cities the likes of Detroit, Chicago, and DC,
and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
it here, Delta is ready when you are; in fact, they
are even ready before you are so they can get you out
of here. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this
way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't
care if you don't understand what we are saying. All
other Southerners understand what we are saying, and
that's all that matters. If most of us had our way,
you would not be here to listen to us. Now, go away
and leave us alone, or we'll kick your butt.
Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.
None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.
If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll woop you
all the way back to Boston Harbor.
Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and
ma'am. We old doors open for others. We offer our
seats to old folks because such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll woop you
just like they did us. Where did you think we learned
all the varieties of wooping that we have perfected?

So you think we're "quaint" or "losers" because most
of us live in the countryside? That's because we have
enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly,
crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore.
Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll woop you.
Down here the sport that matters is football. Squash
is not a game; it is what happens to people in a
football game. The second most important sport is
spring football. If you insist on talking about tennis
or some other goofy game, you'll wind up with a
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and
tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your rear
end shot - after it is thoroughly and properly wooped.
You're lucky we let you come down here at all.
Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine
box. Minus your well-wooped
Title: Do's and Don't when Visiting the "SOUTH"
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 01:56:56 AM
Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle
House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24
hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you
confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie,
Ovine, Arvel, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth,
Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all
been known to kick ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a
flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up
or whatever- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are
also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't
refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick
your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of
Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV,
Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small
lapses in judgment (e.g., David Duke). We don't care
if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be
paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving,
we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so
shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell
out of here-or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone
will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your
biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your
grits, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot,
and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home
because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited
hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, LA, and DC, and we
have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,
Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before
it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this
way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't
care if you don't understand what we are saying. All
other Southerners understand what we are saying, and
that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick
your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.
None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake
Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and
we'll kick your ass all the way back to beautiful,
scenic Hutchinson Kansas or perhaps that popular
vacation spot of Sandusky, Ohio (or better, LOVE

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and
ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our
seats to old folks because such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.
So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most
of us live in the countryside? That's because we have
enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested
cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh
air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here
trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get
your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky
we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred
BBQ, and you go home in a pine box--minus your ass.
Title: Southern Hororscopes
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 02:00:45 AM
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but
tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence.
An older Okra can look back over his life and see the
seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble
backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, can make something of
himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning.
In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt
like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an
overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the
surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep
into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you
are very intense and driven as if you had some inner
hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry
you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that
spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to
recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big
and round are the key words here. You should marry
anybody who you can get remotely interested in the
idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the
year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's
difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to
withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it
attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people
actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably
not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you.
One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your
problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign.
If you work in an office, you're hanging around the
water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the
mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the
bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be
particularly attractive physically, but you have very,
very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius
for communication. They love to get in the melting
pot" of life and share their essence with the essence
of those around them. Collards make good social
workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far
as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay
away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself
a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists
in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may
cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never
easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy
bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else,
Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be
with others like yourself. You like to huddle together
with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel
though, so maybe you should think about joining a
club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have
cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs. If you can go
somewhere where they have all these things, that
serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a
passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends
and loved ones, may find that your personality is much
too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply
because you are really much softer than you appear.
You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want
to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.
On the road of life, you can be sure that people will
always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter
Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well
with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be
proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel
at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next
to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything
to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to
develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite
gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire,
some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a
throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions
and trends. You're not concerned with anything about
today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and
behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another
Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky mating
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 08, 2008, 07:29:06 PM
Girlfriend: Guess what, Brad!
Boyfriend: You're going to put a stud in your tongue and use ice cubes next time?
Girlfriend: No - I'm pregnant! :D
Boyfriend: s#*$.
Girlfriend: We're going to have a baby! :D
Boyfriend: f&#$.
Girlfriend: There's going to be the pitter-patter of little feet in the house! :D
Boyfriend: ARSE.
Girlfriend: What type of marriage would you like? White or peach?
Boyfriend: SCROTE.
Girlfriend: Ohmygosh I'm going to have to call all my girlfriends so they can come over to coo and fawn solicitously in a sickening display of female hormonal Pavlovian response! :D
Boyfriend: TIT.
Girlfriend: What's the matter, dear? I sense a divergence of our emotive dispositions at this juncture.
Girlfriend: Well, my Daddy's a federal marshal. We *could* make it a Magnum funeral, if you prefer.
Boyfriend: ...
Girlfriend: (singing, unhelpfully) Goin' to the cha-pel an' we're - gonna get ma-a-a-ried...
Title: I Think You Are The father Of One Of My Kids'-???
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 10, 2008, 12:08:22 PM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.  She says hello.  He's rather taken aback because he can't place her, so he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Title: Shimadzu-PHASE 2
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 12, 2008, 09:42:23 AM
Ah so I passed the initial phone interview....and I would say my interaction on this forum is at leat in part responsible for that.  All this practice solving problems...sharpens your skills...

Oh do not ask me how all those answers came out of my mouth so quickly....and they were 100% accurate and correct....exactly what they weer looking for...Traditionally, phone interviews are the most uncomfortable part of an interview....esp when they are asking you technical questions...

Not this one...this one was GOOD...

So yesterday I got that call from the Regional Manager...and he is interviewing me next Wednesday...actually he is taking me to lunch....ahhhh another test...

There was an articlee in the NY Times that discussed the tactics companies take when interviewing you-when they take you to lunch they watch what you order and what you/how you treat your food...ex. if you put salt on your food before tasting it it means you are not experimental and curious...LOL....I got a kick out of that article...

OK Oh well  I like salt and lots of TG this is an applications position....they would think my labs skills are sub standard....LOL

Anyway going to play mechanic today have work to do on my sure is a SWEEET RIDE...

Everyone have a great weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: The Real Story
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 12, 2008, 04:51:51 PM
The real story....

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened
upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't think so.
Title: The Divorce Letter
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 14, 2008, 11:31:10 PM
To My Wife:

I'm writing  you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever.I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing
to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.  Your boss called
to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers.  You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps.  You don't tell me you love me anymore; you
don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.  Either
you're cheating on  me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case,
I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me.  Your SISTER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together!  Have a great life!

Dear  Ex-Husband  -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter  It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years,  although a good man
is a far cry from what you've been.  I watch my soaps so much because
they drown out your constant whining and griping.   Too bad that doesn't
work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first
thing that came to mind was "You look just like a  girl!"  Since my
mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I
didn't comment.  And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers:  I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning.  After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my
job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer
said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from  me.
So take care.


Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S.  I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was
born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
Title: Scientific Discovery From South America
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 14, 2008, 11:32:41 PM
A South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity, read their email with their hand on the mouse..

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

Title: RedNeck SEX
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 14, 2008, 11:35:36 PM
A Week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Wanda paid a visit
to their doctor."You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband.
"My thingy's turnin ' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."The doctor
takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed
for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
"Grape," she said.
Title: A Little Catholic Humor
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 14, 2008, 11:39:23 PM
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.' "

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, " 'Your Grace.' "

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say " 'Your Eminence.' "

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her the subtle, "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous 6'4", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, " 'My God.!"

Title: Life After Death
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 14, 2008, 11:51:53 PM
Life after death

A  couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.  True to his
word, he made contact, "Connie....Connie. .":

"Is  that you,  Joe?"

"Yes,  I've come back like we agreed."

"That's  wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well,  I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off  to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and
then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -
lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then  pretty much
have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course
again.  Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed
sleep and then the next day it starts all over  again."

"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"

"Not  exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in  Arizona."
Title: My Private Part Died Today
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 15, 2008, 12:11:56 AM
My Private Part Died Today!

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing  home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his "Private Part" hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that... Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did  tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

 (You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)

 "Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Title: That Job Opening I Posted At Hexion Specialty Chemicals-LOL
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 15, 2008, 06:43:34 PM
I have to weed this stuff out now-They are NOT reading my resume.....I have no experience with resins and/or polymer chemistry....that is so far out of my area of expertise....

First of all, let me tell you how glad I am we came across your resume. Hexion Specialty Chemicals is looking for a Quality Control Manager in PLEASANT PRAIRIE (WI), and I think you are a fit for the position, as we are looking for someone with previous work experience with resins or relevant polymer chemistry.

I mean....well their mistake HOPEFULLY someone elses GAIN....and that BASF Job I posted...that too....where do they see 10 years of Engineering Expereince...but at least that one was more believable...if he went thru my linked in he knows I know people who do..

Last time this happened Thermo Fisher HR Recruiting sent me a job opening regarding REGIONAL SALES MANAGER...I mean I wrote back and said there must be some mistake....I have no SALES background...

These are all really good jobs...but NOT for ME....

I know people do NOT read I know they are not reading ANYTHING....not all people...just the ones that wrtite to me.....LMAO

Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 16, 2008, 07:17:17 PM
4.5 hr interview with 5 page oral exam ...over very long lunch...they said I did the best of all candidates they have interviewed-THUS FAR....gave me my exam to review for trip to MD
Covered:  XRD, XRF, UV-Vis, GC, HPLC, IC, FTIR, MS, TOC, AA, and ICP
Could only name 4 GC detectors not 5....GC is my weakest area:   TCD, ECD, FID, PID....but no way could think of 5....
Nailed all rest...except that damned Van Deempter eqn for GC-spent too much time on it have to make my answer shorter....have to get my Skoog out....just never do much with GC..
Beer's Law was cake...UV/Vis double beam and single beam-PDA vs. UV...and forward and reverse optics....almost all of it was equations..I mean if you knew the equation you could naill the question....determine flow rate for each column diameter:  1-mm, 2-mm, 4-mm, etc...V=IIr2.

OH yeah-what could be the reasons your autsample is giving poor reproducibility/precision.....ahhhh they are looking for specicifics....not just the valve...the needle....the vials...the septa....they are looking for details...

Split vs. splitless injection....that is very easy (column overload/column capacity)....They were really after how much I knew about pumps:  single piston, dual piston, syringe....and I do know all that.....check valve cartridges, seals, pistons, all the maintenance and repair....all the problems with vibration and to resolve pressure issues....

They were so surprised I knew what happens to material injected into an MS...that it was ionized...OMG  what did they expect...of course I know that-I thought everyone knew that....they said..." Most people do not"....and no one they have interviewed so far has..WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I mean it is nt like my answer was very technical....just the basics....OK that surprised me..

OK you should hear their technical support stories...LMAO...I mean must be same all over the world....

So if you go on an interview with them...BE PREPARED..
Title: Latest Greatest Scam-Jury Duty Scam
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 17, 2008, 07:17:57 PM
Jury Duty Scam:
I received this email and I thought it was important to share with all of you:
This has been verified by the FBI (their link is also included below). Please pass this on. It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call. Most of us take those summonses for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of fraud has surfaced.

The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo; your identity was just stolen.

The fraud has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma, Illinois, and Colorado. This (swindle) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they are with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.

Check it out here:
Title: 18 Double Vodkas
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 12:48:45 AM
 Eighteen Double Vodkas   
  A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
Title: Uncle Ted's Morals
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 12:50:13 AM
Uncle Ted's Morals   
  Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big *Ignore me, I am impatient* and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't f**k with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

Title: All I Want Is A Beer
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 12:52:19 AM
All I Want Is a Beer!   
  A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."

The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."

The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."

The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."

So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."

The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The man says, "A Bud Light please."

The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"

The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

Title: Beer/Alcohol Consumption Warnings
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 12:55:42 AM
Beer Consumption   
  The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an *Ignore me, I am a weenie*.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.   
Title: Don't Mess With TEXAS
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 12:59:35 AM
Texas Drivers   
  The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, s#*$!''

In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.'' 
Title: Bar Monkey
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 01:01:11 AM
Bar... Monkey   
  A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Title: Blind, Blonde, & Ballsy
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 01:04:09 AM
Blind, Blonde, & Ballsy   
  A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
Title: Computer Diagnosis
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 01:11:19 AM
 Computer Diagnosis   
  One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Title: From The WordPerfet Technical Support Center
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 01:13:36 AM
 From the WordPerfect Help Desk   
  This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"



"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"...Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"


"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"...Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"


"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."


"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in  from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Title: From The Archives of Computer Technical Support
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 01:16:44 AM
Tech Support   
  Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

    1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

    2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

    4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

    5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

    6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

    7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

    8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

    10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

    11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't  work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

    12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it   have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

    13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

    14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

    As Ripley would say, believe it or not!

Title: The Jesus and Satan Technical Battle-FIXED
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 01:19:05 AM
Jesus and Satan are having a conversation...   
  Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Title: Bring Your Daughter to Work Day
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 01:20:55 AM
Bring Your Daughter to Work Day   
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

Title: Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer -CHILD WORTHY
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 01:23:47 AM
Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer   
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Title: Microsoft in Detroit
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 18, 2008, 01:26:13 AM
Microsoft in Detroit?   
  At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Title: Thinking Of All The Goodies I Will Get From You
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 19, 2008, 08:50:29 PM
Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
      The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"
 One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
      "I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday moring service. She's in tears.
He asks, "So what's troubling you, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I have terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damned gun...'"
At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
      Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
      Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A funeral service is being held in a chuch for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally *Ignore me, I am impatient* into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"
 An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
      The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
      As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
Visiting his grandparents, a small boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out. He picked it up and found that it was an old leaf that had been pressed flat between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," he called out.
      "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked."
      With astonishment in his voice, the boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Centuries ago, God came down, went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments that will help you live better lives."
The Germans ask, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord says, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
God says, "Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So God went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments..."
The Italians wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Next the Lord went to the French saying, "I have Commandments..."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
And the French were not interested.
God then went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments..."
"Commandments," said the Jews, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
Title: Children's Answers To Science Questions-This Is Great!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 20, 2008, 11:43:52 PM

Q: What is the chemical formula for water?
A: H I J K L M N O

Q: Name the four seasons. 
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. 

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. 

Q: How is dew formed? 
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. 

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. 

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? 
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.  All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight. 

Q: What are steroids? 
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 

Q: What happens to your body as you age? 
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. 

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? 
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. 

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. 
A: Premature death. 

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?  (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U. 

Q: What is the fibula? 
A: A small lie. 

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. 

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome. 

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Title: How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 21, 2008, 12:02:18 AM

         How to keep a healthy level of insanity:

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it "IN".

5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

7) Don't use any punctuation

8) Use, too...much; punctuation!

9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12) Sing along at the opera.

13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"

18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....

19) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff
like this..

Title: Administratium-
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 21, 2008, 12:27:05 AM
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major US research university. The element, tentatively, named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of O. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass
of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.  Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes onereaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange
places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points suchas government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at anyl level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but resultsto date are not promising.

I see a few variations have been posted....LOL
Title: Technical Support-Midievil-With English Subtitles
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 21, 2008, 01:14:17 AM
Medieval HelpDesk with English Subtitles:  PRIME STUFF

Title: Engineering in Hell-Could Happen
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 21, 2008, 06:23:27 AM
   Engineering In Hell   

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"    

Title: Microsoft New Winders Vista Release
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 21, 2008, 06:25:00 AM



It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Redneck edition of Windows Vista may have accidentally been shipped outside of the USA Redneck Regions. If you have a Redneck Edition you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Redneck edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS Vista with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note:
Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff that does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders vista does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders vista:
tiperiter.....A word processor
colering book....a graphics program
addin mershene....calculator
scratch paper ...notepad
jupe-box ....CD Player
inner-net.....Microsoft Explorer
pichers...A graphics viewer
IRS...M/S accounting software
IRS2......M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog.....American kennel club records
fishin....Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA...National Rifle Association
shot gun ....Remington Arms price list
riffel....Winchester price list
pisstel...Smith & Wesson price list
truck.....Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code
house.....Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car ..same as truck, just need two lists in Texas history usually a 3 meg file
tax records...usually an empty file
shells....ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file
bud...list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
racin.....NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race car n' truck
Parts...nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc ..veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Redneck edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.   

Title: Helisoft
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 21, 2008, 06:26:14 AM

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Title: The Cupboard
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 21, 2008, 08:03:31 PM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband
also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard,
not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything,
let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
 Boy - '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this  time?' 

Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer'.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend
like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm
going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The priest says, 'Don't start that s#*$ again you little prick, you're in
my cupboard now'!!
Title: Great I Cannot Come to Work Excuse
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 21, 2008, 08:04:47 PM
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
'What's the matter? ' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma, ' she says in a weak voice.
'What the hell is anal glaucoma? '
'I can't see my ass coming into work today.
Title: The Husband Store
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 22, 2008, 03:09:44 PM
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Title: What Is A Man To Do?
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 22, 2008, 07:24:43 PM
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
husband,"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Title: Official Announcement
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 23, 2008, 05:48:35 PM
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!!!!!
Title: Female Predators
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 23, 2008, 10:25:50 PM
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs,
to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target
unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now
available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and
in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman
needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered
helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often
succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to
whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men
often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them
the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad"

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life
savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been
reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to
entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and
punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more
susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered
by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a
sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the
predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with
venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected,
like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
yellow pages
Title: Five Surgeons
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 24, 2008, 01:02:50 AM
Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should trynelectricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when heobserved: "You're all wrong.Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable"

Title: This Was My Day-And So How Was Yours????
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 24, 2008, 06:01:31 PM
OMG you should hear this...

Caller:  I have a big peak and a small peak

Ma’am now all you need is a medium sized peak  We got the Papa peak, and the Baby all we need is the Mama peak....OH NO this cannot not be for real....

Caller:  I have a big peak and a smaller peak and it keeps picking the big one and I do not know why??

Caller:  You have to help me?  I have no idea what is going on?

OK got that 3 sentences ago.. and you want me to DO WAHT EXACTLY????

ME:  Ma'am, what do you need help with?

Like tell me something anything....what you are analyzing, what system do you use, what columns do you have, I don't know I don't know, I don't know IS NOT A PROACTIVE RESPONSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Caller:  I need you to tell me why it just keeps picking that big peak…OMG….help me out here…

Caller:  The software just keeps picking the BIG PEAK..

GGEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  where is that bottle of FUCKITOL  Oh on the HUMOR FORUM....let me go git me some....NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ME:  Ma'am send me your a backup file.

Caller:   OH OK...

She will never figure it out...

Caller:  I have another question..

OH OK Ask me that too...I am sure I can ...NO I CANNOT....

Caller:  My engineers have asked me if I can analyze mono....ethyl amine....on this column?

ME:  And what column do you have?

Caller:  I don't remember...can't you look it up?

YOU MUST BE KIDDING!!!!!....What you think I have column files for every caller at my desk....let me think  real fast...I got it...AHHHH she thinks we have LoJack for columns…..and what makes her think we would want it back after she used it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What would be the point-just ry and fathom the voids in the resin…..

ME:  Ma'am, you need to use a XX-ADCB to analyze that material.

Caller:  OH...that will just ruin the day of those engineers....they wanted to use this column…..

Well, do you know that....We still do not know exactly what column that is…you could not give me the model….what am I missing here...DING DING DING...


Title: THE MOM TEST-Squeaky Clean-
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 24, 2008, 06:23:43 PM
Mom Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off
the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her
and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,

"Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly.

"All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or
they don't let you be a Mom."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad."

''Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face.

When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 25, 2008, 07:25:05 PM
We should all follow Dr.Phil's advice!


I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
Title: Two Old Gals
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 26, 2008, 01:14:45 AM
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One o f the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
Title: The Staff Meeting
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 26, 2008, 01:21:48 AM
If only staff meetings could be this much fun. :

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

 The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff  meeting in the middle of particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the  benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was  to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for
other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week  went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 26, 2008, 01:29:50 AM
Subject: New Medicines!!!
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

What about amoxicoxinhandacillenethal     For people with drunk dick syndom!

Title: Americas Healt Alert-USEFUL
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 26, 2008, 07:38:05 AM
The newly released National Prescription Card Program is now accessible
 by all U.S. Residents, the program was recently seen on the FoxNews
 website. You can now go to to get a prescription
 card. This card can be used at over 75,000 pharmacies nationwide. The
 card reduces the cost of prescription drugs up to 80%.

 Registering online for the card takes about one minute. Now there is a
 national benefit program that is easily accessible and even easier to
 use. Enroll online then Print out your card and take it to your
 pharmacy, the cards are activated online immediatly when you register.

Just remember access code : FoxNews

This card is a National free program for all U.S. residents. With
 already over 55,000 Americans on the card, the savings are increasing and
 pharmacies are now offering larger discounts, and major pharmacy chains
 now accept the USRxCard. This prescription card can still be used if you
 have medicare, medicaid, or if you are insured, uninsured, or under
Get your card today.

Title: If Dads Were Left To Raise The Kids By Themselves-Part 1
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 27, 2008, 08:56:22 PM
Boys would read more

Kids would get more rest.

Work would get done more efficiently.
Title: If Dads Were Left To Raise The Kids By Themselves-Part 2
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 27, 2008, 08:57:42 PM
Potty training? Who needs it?

Kids would be more able to express their emotions!

Bath time would be more fun!
Title: What Have You Been Up To!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 27, 2008, 09:02:32 PM
Keep a SMILE on your face! It will make the world wonder what you've been up to!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 29, 2008, 05:15:22 PM

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan
Title: This Was my Day How Was Yours-SURE IT WAS....LOL
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 29, 2008, 05:58:25 PM
Ok so here we are in Chicago....48 degress dropped to 4 degrees we are having a blizzard and the temp will drop to -33...with any luck...SNOW DAY TOMORROW....

So much fun driving thru a blizzard with a rear-wheel drive TA that has a Limited Slip Differential....HMM HMM HMM and the day just gets better...

And this is how my day began..

Caller:  Hi my name is . and I am calling from…..

Tech: Yes, Sir and what do you need help with?

Caller: If I leave my system on over the weekend it runs dry…I am calling because I need a shut down program.

So we cannot calculate mL/min...and that does not surrprise me BECAUSE????....HMM HMM HMM HMM..LA LA LA...

Tech:  I will send you AN EXAMPLE SHUT DOWN PROGRAM..please give me your e-mail address…

TRA LA LA LA 10, 9, 8, 7, LA LA LA LA 6, 5, HMM HMM HMM TRA LA LA  4,…..YOU HAVE MAIL!!!!! And I am so sure I do …bet me….you know what he did…AW come on bet me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I just got the program you sent and I am attaching the errors I got when I put it into my sequence….

Yes he sure did he took that EXAMPLE PROGRAM and Applied It To His System….did not make one single effort to make sure it was compatible….YES YOU DA…That is why I called it EXAMPLE PROGRAM…It is not my job to write your PROGRAM FILES…that is YOUR JOB…I have written 25 different programs to send as examples...I see that is NOT ENOUGH...OH GREAT AND MIGHTY CHEMIST THAT YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....HA HA HA go to and ask them to write your program...HA HA HA....They will point you to The Forum Rules....

Title: For Those of You Who Take Karma Seriously!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 30, 2008, 08:05:20 AM
GEMINI-and if I do not do this....OMG 9 years more of Tech Support.....NO NO NO..Taking NO CHANCES....LOL LOL

Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from a book written 35 years ago by an astrologist. Read your sign, then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line.  This is real deal, try ignoring it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets worse from there.

VIRGO  (The One that Waits) 
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word.  Caring.  Smart.  Loud.  Loyal.  Easy to talk to.  Everything you ever wanted.  Easy to please.  The one and only.  7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SCORPIO  (The Addict)
EXTREMELY adorable.  Intelligent Loves to joke.  Very Good sense of humor.  Energetic.  Predict future.  GREAT kisser.  Always get what they want.  Attractive.  Easy going.  Loves being in long relationships.  Talkative.  Romantic.  Caring.  4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LIBRA  (The Lame One)
Nice to everyone they meet.  Their Love is one of a kind.  Silly, fun and sweet.  Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet!  However, not the kind of person you wanna mess with... you might end up crying ...  9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
ARIES  (The Liar)
Outgoing.  Lovable.  Spontaneous.  Not one to mess with.  Funny.  Excellent kisser.  EXTREMELY adorable.  Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud.  16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
AQUARIUS  (Does It In The Water)
Trustworthy.  Attractive.  Great kisser.  One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships.  Extremely energetic. Unpredictable.  Will exceed your expectations.  Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.  2 years of bad luck if you do not forward
GEMINI  (Irresistible)
Nice.  Love is one of a kind.  Great listeners.  Very Good in the you know where ... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out.  Trustworthy.  Always happy.  Loud.  Talkative.  Outgoing VERY FORGIVING.  Loves to make out.  Has a beautiful smile.  Generous.  Strong.  THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.  9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LEO  (The Lion)
Great talker.  Attractive and passionate.  Laid back.  Knows how to have fun.  Is really good at almost anything.  Great kisser.  Unpredictable.  Outgoing.  Down to earth.  Addictive.  Attractive.  Loud.  Loves being in long relationships.  Talkative.  Not one to mess with.  Rare to find.  Good when found.  7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
CANCER  (The Cutie)
MOST AMAZING KISSER.  Very high appeal.  Love is one of a kind.  Very romantic.  Most caring person you will ever meet!  Entirely creative.  Extremely random and proud of it.  Freak.  Spontaneous.  Great telling stories.  Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to.  12 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
PISCES  (The Partner for Life)
Caring and kind. Smart.  Center of attention.  High appeal.  Has the last word.  Good to find, hard to keep.  Fun to be around.  Extremely weird but In a good way.  Good Sense of Humor!!!  Thoughtful.  Always gets what he or she wants.  Loves to joke.  Very popular.  Silly, fun and sweet.  5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
CAPRICORN  (The Passionate Lover)
Love to bust.  Nice.  Sassy.  Intelligent.  Sexy.  Predict future.  Irresistible.  Loves being in long relationships.  Great talker.  Always gets what he or she wants.  Cool.  Loves to own Gemini's in sports.  Extremely fun.  Loves to joke.  Smart.  24 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
TAURUS  (The Tramp)
Aggressive.  Loves being in long relationships.  Likes to give a good fight for what they want.  Extremely outgoing.  Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser.  Good personality.  Stubborn.  A caring person.  One of a kind.  Not one to mess with.  Are the most attractive people on earth!  15 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SAGITTARIUS  (The Promiscuous One)
Spontaneous.  High appeal.  Rare to find.  Great when found.  Loves being in long relationships.  So much love to give.  Not one to mess with.  Very pretty.  Very romantic.  Nice to everyone they meet.  Their Love is one of a kind.  Silly, fun and sweet.  Have own unique appeal.  Most caring person you will ever meet!  Amazing in the you know where..!!!  Not the kind of person you wanna mess with, you might end up crying.  4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
Okay here's the thing, you cant send this to the person who sent this to
you so good luck! the other hard part is that last one with this is the loser.  READY . SET.... GO!
1-3 people        = 1 minute of luck
4-7 people        = 1 hour of luck
8-12 people      = 1 day of luck
13-17 people    = 1 week of luck
18-22 people    = 1 month of luck
23-27 people    = 3 months of luck
28- 32 people   = 7 months of luck
33-37 people    = 1 year of luck
38 and more    = a very lucky life!
Title: Tech Support-VCR
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 30, 2008, 07:33:47 PM
Title: 54 Years of Marriage
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 30, 2008, 07:35:05 PM
The husband wrote the following letter for his
wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife. You will
surely understand that I have certain needs
that you, being 54 years old, can no longer
satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading
this letter, I hope that you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old
secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please
don't be upset - I shall be home before

When the man came home late that night, he
found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband. I received
your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a
math teacher at our local college. I would
like to inform you that while you read this,
I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael,
one of my students. He is young, virile, and
like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a
successful businessman who has an excellent
knowledge of Math, you will understand that
although it may appear that we are in the
same situation, there is one mathematical
"18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes
into 18."
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

Title: The Unjust Salary Theorem
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 30, 2008, 07:52:27 PM
The Unjust Salary Theorem asserts that scientists can never earn as much as sales people. This theorem is proved as follows. Start by using the physics formula

Power = Work / Time

Now you probably have heard that Knowledge is Power and Time is Money. Substitute these tautologies into the formula for power to obtain

Knowledge = Work/Money

Solving for Money, one finds

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Therefore, the less you know, the more you make
Title: It Takes an Italian To Make A Woman Feel like A Woman!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 30, 2008, 08:02:53 PM
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm..

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark black hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

...No one moves.

...He removes his shirt.

...Muscles ripple across his chest.

...She gasps...

...He whispers:
"Here, iron this, and then get me something to eat."
Title: For Hard Working Moms
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 30, 2008, 11:01:32 PM
From Linda who has 12 grandchildren.....LOL  This is pretty good...
Title: Kitty Says WAKE-UP
Post by: Alpha-Omega on January 30, 2008, 11:32:56 PM
LMAO..If I could do this at work...OH I so envy Kitty....
Kitty has THE POWER....
Title: Thanks For All The Informative E-mails
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 01, 2008, 03:57:59 PM
Subject: Thanks For The Informative EMails

I Thought I Would Show My Appreciation With A Big
To Whoever Sent Me the One about Rat Poop in the Glue on Envelopes
because I Now Have To Use A Wet Towel with Every Envelope That Needs

Also, I Now Have To Scrub the Top of Every Can I open For the Same

Thanks To You, I Can't Use Anyone's Toilet But Mine Because A Big
Brown African Spider Is Lurking Under The Seat To Cause Me Instant Death
When It Bites My Fanny.

I No Longer Have Any Savings Because I Gave It To A Sick Girl (Penny
Brown) Who Is About To Die In The Hospital For The 1,387,258th Time.

But That Will Change Once I Receive The $15,000 That Bill
Gates/Microsoft And AOL Are Sending Me For Part icipating In Their
Special E-mail Program.

I No Longer Worry About My Soul Because I Have 363,214 Angels Looking
Out For Me, And St. Theresa's Novena Has Granted My Every Wish.

I No Longer Eat KFC Because Their Chickens Are Actually Horrible
Mutant Freaks With No Eyes Or Feathers.
As Soon As I Get My Free Dinner Coupons From Applebee's, I Can Eat
I No Longer Use Cancer-Causing Deodorants Even Though I Smell Like A
Water Buffalo On A Hot Day.

Thanks To You, I Have Learned That My Prayers Only Get Answered If I
Forward An Email To Seven Of My Friends And Make A Wish Within Five

Because Of Your Concern I No Longer Drink Coca Cola Because It Can
Remove Toilet Stains.

I No Longer Can Buy Gasoline Without Taking A Man Along To Watch The
Car So A Serial Killer Won't Crawl In My Back Seat When I'm Pumping Gas.

I No Longer Drink Pepsi Or Dr. Pepper Since The People Who Make These
Products Are Atheists Who Refuse To Put "Under God" On Their Cans.

I No Longer Use Saran Wrap In The Microwave Because It Causes Cancer.

And Thanks For Letting Me Know I Can't Boil A Cup Water In The
Microwave Anymore Because It Will Blow Up In My Face..Disfiguring Me For

I No Longer Check The Coin Return On Pay Phones Because I Could Be
Pricked With A Needle Infected With Aids.

I No Longer Go To Shopping Malls Because Someone Will Drug Me With a
Perfume Sample And Rob Me.

I No Longer Receive Packages From UPS Or Fedex Since They Are Actually
Al Qaeda In Disguise.

I No Longer Shop At Target Since They Are French And Don't Support Our
American Troops Or The Salvation Army.

I No Longer Answer the Phone Because Someone Will Ask Me To Dial A
Number For Which I Will Get A Phone Bill Totaling $2,374.76 With Calls
To Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, And Uzbekistan .

I No Longer Have Any Sneakers -- But That Will Change Once I Receive
My Free Replacement Pair From Nike.

I No Longer Buy Expensive Cookies From Neiman Marcus Since I Now Have
Their Recipe.

And Thanks To Your Great Advice, I Can't Ever Pick Up $5.00 Dropped In
The Parking Lot Because It Probably Was Placed There By A Sex Molester
Waiting Underneath My Car To Grab My Leg.
Oh, And Don't Forget This One Either! I Can No Longer Drive My Car
Because I Can't Buy Gas From Certain Gas Companies!

And Remember, If You Don't Send This E-mail To At Least 144,000 People
In The Next 7 Minutes, A Large Dove With Diarrhea Will Land On Your Head
At 5:00 PM This Afternoon And The Fleas From 12 Camels Will Infest Your
Back, Causing You To Grow A Hairy Hump.

I Know This Will Occur Because It Actually Happened To A Friend Of My
Next Door Neighbor's Ex-Mother-In-law's Second Husband's Cousin's

... Have A Wonderful Day....
One Last Bit Of Noteworthy News: A South American Scientist From
Argentina, After A Lengthy Study, Has Discovered That People With
Insufficient Brain And Sexual Activity Read Their E-mail With Their Hand On The

Don't Bother Taking It Off Now, It's Too Late

Title: As I Mature....
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 01, 2008, 07:10:28 PM
As I Mature...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care some people are just a$$holes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a releationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Title: NO EXCUSES!!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 01, 2008, 07:10:59 PM
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady here died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their service charges on her credit card, and
then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Title: Mental Health Hotline-THIS IS ON MY PHONE!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 01, 2008, 07:11:54 PM
Mental Health Hotline

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...
•   If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
•   If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
•   If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
•   If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
•   If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
•   If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
•   If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
•   If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
•   If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
•   If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, SS#, and your mother's maiden name.
•   If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
•   If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
•   If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•   If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 02, 2008, 02:17:13 PM
Hazardous Materials Information Sheet : MEN

Element: Men
Symbol: BS
Discoverer: Should be shot
Atomic Mass: 70 kg (without Ego), 1000 kg (Ego included)
Occurrences: Found just about anywhere women are.

Physical Properties:
•   Surface covered in hairy coat
•   Displays signs of spineless puppy dog when properly whipped by a experienced woman.
•   Hardens very easily, but softens at nothing.
•   Sweet only when necessary, otherwise generally very bitter.
•   Found in only one state : Horny
•   Yields to just about anything with open legs.

Chemical Properties:
•   Has a great affinity for bimbos and remote controls.
•   High Grade specimens spend great quantities of expensive substances.
•   Inability to think with more than one organ at a time.
•   Attracted to just about anything, but sticks to nothing.
•   Most powerful self-esteem reducing agent known to woman.

Common Uses:
•   Has not yet been discovered.
•   Some usefulness has been found when dealing with household appliances, but usefulness is extremely l            limited.
•   Occasionally useful in bedroom, but only when given explicit instructions.

•   Becomes extremely competitive when grouped with several other specimens.
•   Pure specimen becomes an *Ignore me, I am a weenie* when saturated with alcohol.

•   It is extremely difficult to keep one of these. A trained expert can resort to various tricks if necessary.
•   It is illegal to posses more than one, but why would anyone want even the one they have?

Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 02, 2008, 02:18:49 PM


Women: A Chemical Analysis

1.   Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2.   Boils at nothing, freezes without reason or warning.
3.   Melts if given special treatment.
4.   Bitter if incorrectly used.
5.   Found in various states - from virgin metal to common ore.
6.   Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

1.   Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2.   Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3.   May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4.   Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.

1.   Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2.   Can be great aid to relaxation.

1.   Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in a natural state.
2.   Turns green when placed next to a better specimen.

1.   Highly dangerous except when in experienced hands.
2.   Illegal to possess more than one.
3.   Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 02, 2008, 02:28:18 PM



Element        : Man
Symbol         : Ah (short for *Ignore me, I am a weenie*)
Quantitative   : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be
            as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer     : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had
            a craving for ribs)
Occurrence     : Found following duel element Wo, often in high
            concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :

a) Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced wth Logic and Common
   Sense,melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH.
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo.
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to
   extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of
   Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when
   subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties :

a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction
   is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely
   favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects
   which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will
   repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly
   those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage :

a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35
   for favorable reaction style.

Best Uses:

a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo.
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests :

a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast
   information on many wavelengths.

Caution :

a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to
   a particular Wo specimen.  Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.

Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 02, 2008, 02:29:24 PM
Post Donated by AVM



Element:     Women
Symbol:      Wo
Discoverer:  Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53.6Kg, but known to vary from 40-200Kg.
Occurrences: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1.           Surface usually covered in painted film.
2.           Boils at nothing; freezes without reason.
3.           Melts if given correct treatment.
4.           Bitter if incorrectly used.
5.           Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6.           Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

Chemical Properties:

1.           Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious
2.           Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3.           May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known
4.           Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by
             saturation in alcohol.
5.           Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:

1.           Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2.           Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3.           Very effective cleaning agent.


1.           Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural
2.           Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.


1.           Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2.           Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
             maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not
             come into direct contact with each other.

Title: Men - From a Man's Point of View
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 03, 2008, 01:12:29 AM
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. 
Calling AAA is not an option. I will  win.
Because I'm a man, when  the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the  engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with  all these computers and everything, I  wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy  communion.
_____________ __ _________________________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a  man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as  I do, so for you, this is no  problem.
Because I'm a  man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk  or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."  For all I know, these are the same thing. 
Because I'm a man, when  one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite  evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets  here and has to put it back  together.
Because  I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my  hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for  it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a  calculator..(applies to  engineers mainly).
Because  I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true  answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up  something else when you ask, so don't  ask.
Because I'm a man,  I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or  talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.  Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And  don't forget to pick up something for my mother,  too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're  crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous  afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name! and recommend it to  others.
Because I'm  a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing  five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or  without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine.   You look fine. Can we just go  now?
Because I'm a man,  and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the  housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.. like wandering around in  the garden with a beer wondering what to  do.
This has been a public service message  for women to help them better understand men.
Title: SUMSING TURBO 3000 CellPhone
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 03, 2008, 01:17:48 AM
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 03, 2008, 01:39:52 AM
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have any." Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.

"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas ." Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

"After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that." Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"When you win, nothing hurts." Joe Namath / Alabama

"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated." Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!" Bear Bryant / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." Wally Butts / Georgia

"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life." Paul Diet zel / LSU

"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class." Bear Bryant / Alabama

"No, but you can see it from here." Lou Holtz / Arkansas ...When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." Bear Bryant / Alabama

"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line." Matty Bell / SMU

"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor." Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember.. Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." Shug Jordan / Auburn

"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces." Darrell Royal / Texas

"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"They whipped us like a tied up goat." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good." Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is not a contact sport-it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game message to his team: "All those who need showers, take them." John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education." Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking." John McKay / USC

"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad." Darrell Royal / University of Texas

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football" John Heisman
Title: Check This Link-LOL
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 03, 2008, 06:26:58 PM
LOL...this was pretty good...left by psi* CF Blog:
Title: Printer Problems-Collection
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 03, 2008, 10:23:42 PM
Printer Problems??

(This is my personal favorite because my cat did this while I was printing my thesis….LOL)

6 Top Printer Jokes

You have just received your new printer and the box looks damaged with a nice expensive printer inside. All looks hopeless throw out the box it will likely not work.
What will my printer warranty cover? Your mouse pad!!!

When the office printer color started to look a little off the manager called the local repair shop. To the manager's surprise the clerk said that it would cost $50 but that he might try reading the manual and doing it himself. The manager replied in astonishment "does your boss know that you discourage business that way?"  "Yes", replied the clerk. It was his idea. We make more on repairs than cleanings if the owner tries to do it himself first.

A woman called tech support and said her computer couldn't find the printer. The tech asked "are you working under windows?" The woman replied "no I'm near the door but the guy in the next cubical is working under a window and his printer works fine."

The printer is comprised of three main parts; the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
When the printer still will not work after 20 tries; try sending the print job to all 100 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 03, 2008, 10:27:24 PM
OMG...I am just overjoyed...maybe SNOW DAY TOMORROW....HA HA...I can load up the HUNMOR SITE..WOO HOO...

6 inches of snow...blinded by the white...and still falling...
Title: I Like His Attitude-
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 03, 2008, 11:12:13 PM
I am extremely apolitical...but I really like this guy's attitude...I think it struck me because my sister missed 911 the take down of the World Trade Center by a 20 minutes-she made it out safely but so many did not...

I knew she was in there...she had a meeting with her company...she is an editor for Doublday...

I was teaching HS kids that day...and they were just so freaked out I was not I was showing NO EMOTION...about what happened in NY that know how kids are...I refused to address any of it in the callses...and they actually went to Principle and complained I was ignoring it....

Well, you know of course there was a meeting...and OMG he was just so embarassed...when he was informed of WHY I WAS BEING SO QUIET...that put an end to all that...

Later I got the call she was just fine...funny how certain images stir up old memories...


I don't know who put this together, but I sure would like to shake his hand, pat him on the back, and wish him, "Good Hunting!"

Dear Terrorists,
I am a Navy Aviator. I was born and raised in a small town in New England . I come from a family of five. I was raised in a middle class home and taught my values by my mother and father.

My dad worked a series of jobs in finance and my mom took care of us kids. We were not an overly religious family but attended church most Sundays. It was a nice small Episcopal Church.  I have a brother and sister and I am the youngest in my family.  I was the first in many generations to attend college.

I have flown Naval aircraft for 16 years.  For me the flying was never a lifelong  dream or a "calling," it just happened. I needed a job and I liked the challenge.  I continue to do it today because I feel it is important to give back to a nation which has given so much to me. I do it because, although I will never be rich, my family will be comfortable.

I do it because many of my friends have left for the airlines and someone has to do it. My government has spent millions to train me to fly these multi-million dollar aircraft. I make about 70,000 dollars a year and after 20 years will be offered a pension.

I like baseball but think the players make too much money. I am in awe of firemen and policemen and what they do each day for my community, and like teachers, they just don't get paid enough.

I respect my elders and always use sir or ma'am when addressing a stranger. I'm not sure about kids these days but I think that's normal for every generation.

I tell you all this because when I come for you, I want you to know me. I won't be hiding behind a woman or a child.  I won't be disguised or pretending to be something I am not.  I will be in a U.S. issue flight suit. I will be wearing standard US issue flight gear, and I will be flying a navy aircraft clearly marked as a US warplane.  I wish we could
meet up close in a small room where I could wrap my hands around your throat and slowly squeeze the life out of you, but unfortunately, you're hiding in a hole in the ground, so we will have to do this a different way.

I want you to know also that I am very good at what I do.  I can put a 2,000 lb. weapon through a window from 10,000 feet up.  I generally only fly at night, so you may want to start sleeping during the day. I am not eager to die for my country but I am willing to sacrifice my life to protect it from animals like you.

I will do everything in my power to ensure no civilians are hurt as I take aim at you. My countrymen are a forgiving bunch.  Many are already forgetting what you did on Sept 11th.  But I will not forget!!  I am coming.  I hope you know me a little bit better, see you soon...sleep tight.


A  U.S. Navy Pilot
Our Soldiers are one
of our greatest assets!
God Bless
Title: An Older Lady!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 04, 2008, 05:42:03 PM
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Old Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.

I just did!
Title: Two Women Talking in Heaven
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 04, 2008, 06:39:56 PM
Contributed by AVM:

Two Women Talking In Heaven

 1st Woman:  Hi! My name is Maggie.

 2nd Woman:  Hi! I'm Sylvia.  How'd you die?

 1st Woman:  I froze to death.

2nd Woman:  How horrible!

1st Woman:  It wasn't so bad.  After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

2nd Woman:  I died of a massive heart attack  I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st Woman:  So what happened?

2nd Woman:  I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.   I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the basement.  I went through each closet
and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
ith a heart attack and died.

1st Woman:  Too bad you didn't look in the freezer..
 We'd both still be alive.

Title: Calibration Curve Day - WOO HOO
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 04, 2008, 10:54:27 PM
HMMMM Comming Attractions to my blog:

Caller:  Hello...I am a Chemist with...and I need help with my calibration curve?

Tech:  OK...what s the problem

Caller:  I made my standards and my R^2 is only .92 when I do a linear fit...

Tech:  What is your range?

Caller:  Huh?

Tech:  The range of your standards...the lowest and the highest, what is it

Caller:  32 picomoles to 1200 picomoles....

linear function does not fit the data..ri

Caller:  And my signal is almost half what it was 2 years I need help with that too.. he joking...better the signal is less....he would be in the cubic range...

Tech:  What is the range of your samples?

Caller:  50 to 500

OK then why the hell are you going to 1200 picomoles....OMG this is unbelievable


Caller: name is....and I need help with my calibration curve...

HHHMMMM WTF we have an epidemic here....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  OK what seems to be the problem????

Caller:  Well I made all my standards...and I cannot find where my sample lies...

Tech:  How many points on the curve?

Caller:  157

ONL:Y 157....OMG  that is  not a curve...that is a pearl necklace....I mean...AAAAHHHHHHH   someone Please explain to me why this guy would do such a thing....


Caller:  Hi I am a chemist with....and I need help with my standard curve....

OK said std curve...may she knows something....let me not jump the gun here....

Tech:  Ma'am...what is wrng with the curve?

Caller:  I have to use a linear fit and I cannot make the line fit.

Tech:  Ma'am, what is the range on your standards?

Caller:  Well, OK....I go from 0 to 10,000 ppm..

OMG....WTF is she thinking..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  0 to 10,000 ppm and she is forcing the function...Wait I bet I got this one nailed...there is more...I know there is even more..!!!!!!

Tech:  Ma'am are you using offset?

Caller:  Yes....

Tech: How many injections per standard?

Caller:  1

OH HELP ME ...I am ging to e her for an hour....Who the hell I mean how the hell.....I mean OMG I cannot even think anymore...I cannot believe....GEEEEZZZZZEEEEEEE


Caller:  Hi...I am a Chemist with...and my calibration won't work

OH SURE IT WILL IF WE REPLACE THE INTERFACE.....nothing wrong with the is the connection between the chair and the panel....

Tech:  So what is the problem sir?

Caller:  My data will not work with a linear fit...but if I use the quartic looks just can you explain this...because I will have to justify it in my report....

OH well...good luck with that....that is just the end....THE QUARTIC FIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....he had to dig deep for that one...QUARTIC FIT...hmmmm the quantum effect of ions...this is just amazing stuff...In my whole life....I cannot even begin to understand what you have done....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry Later...BYE...I am out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am a Chemist...and I am going where all good Chemists go!!!!!!!!!!  As Far away from you as I can get!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title: Wine-Beer-Water-New Study!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 07, 2008, 08:35:37 AM
Contributed bt bwachtg...

To paraphrase Ben Franklin, "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in  water there is bacteria."
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end
of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of  Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go  through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.  Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh!t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Title: George-Funny!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 08, 2008, 07:30:10 PM
When George first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

George became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and
his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, George's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will George be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

Title: Call of the Week-Tech Support
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 08, 2008, 07:55:51 PM
Caller:  Hi…my name is and I am calling from….I am the …..CHEMIST…..

Tech:  How can I help you, ma’am?

Caller:  I called yesterday because I needed help with my column.  I am testing for anions and my retention times are quicker then they used to be.

ANALYZING SENTENCE…she is testing for anions…..has to be </= B.S.  RTs are “QUICKER THEN THEY USED TO BE.”  OK!!!!!!we have half a deck here!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech: Yes, Ma’am…..

Caller:   Anyway I did the 80% acetonitrile/20% water cleaning. We decided I should use that.

WE DECIDED????   UUUUMMMHMMMMM …non ionic and hydrophobic contamination??  Not likely...HOW THE HELL DID SHE FIGURE THAT OUT????  Answer-she did NOT…….

Tech;   OK, ma’am, then you indicated to the person you spoke with that the material you work with is hydrophobic? You eliminated the fact that your sample may contain anything ionic or hydrophilic?

Caller:  UM, yeah I guess so. Yes, we did not go down that path. There are no metals.  I analyze anions.

UH OH…I guess so?…..not PROACTIVE thinking…..An she is so proud she can say ANIONS….OK she is clueless….other guy got her off the phone…Well, now I will do it permanently!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LET ME LEAD YOUR DA RIGHT DOWN THAT PATH….

Caller: Well, I did the cleaning and the retention times are better but still not like they were.

BETTER but NOT BACK TO NORMAL…NOT FIXED YET…MY BAD....give it a few minutes....

Tech:  Ma’am how old is the column set?

Caller:  About 1 or 2 years old.

JFC…ABOUT 1-2 Years Old…..OK big difference there…365 days+ use difference….OMG…1 or 2 years.  Most  CHEMISTS keep a record of the dates columns are put into service…What am I saying……!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Ma’am, what is the matrix of your samples?

OMG-said MATRIX...she is thinking of the MOVIE...MY BAD!!!!! Fair is Fair...You confuse me ....I will make sure you never find your way put of the maze...HAHA

Caller:  What?  I don’t know what you mean.

OK first truth I have heard so far……………

Tech:  Where do your samples come from?

Caller:  From a jar.  I make them from a jar.

AAAHHHHH….now we are getting somewhere…DANGER… DANGER …WILL ROBINSON….DANGER!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am what is the origin of the samples?  Where do you samples come from?  Are they water samples, soil samples, etc???? 

Caller:  Well, I do them.  I make them.  I take them out of the bottle and mix them with water.

OK… OH I’V GOT THIS ONE NAILED…..she has alkali metals all over the column…….she has ionic and hydrophilic low valence contamination.  I will keep all that a secret from her…might just put that tiny brain into a coma…………

Tech:  Ma’am, so they are from a bottle?  Do they come from small amber colored bottles?

Caller: Yes.

Tech:  So are they _ _ _ _ _ _ standards?  Are you just running what are called standards?  Who makes what comes in the jar???

Caller: They are Sigma Aldrich.

AHHHH  YES…alkali metal salts…Aldrich….2 days she has called for 2 days…she cannot read the cleaning section…she has no idea what hydrophilic or hydrophobic means….and she does not have the fortitude to look that up…..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OMG how did

Tech: Ma’am, what is the matrix of the samples in the bottles…are they solids, liquids….?

OMG-said MATRIX...she is thinking of the MOVIE...MY BAD!!!!! Well, You know they say 3 is a charm...RIGHT!!!!!  And you thought learning Spanish or French as a second language would be tough...TRY THIS...WHAT LANGUAGE IS THIS?? Learning Russian would be easier than this..[/b] Chem I, Chem I...remember Chem I..

Caller:  They are solids.  I am testing for anions. there aren't any metals.

Tech:  Ma’am, I got that…can you read me the label on the bottle. I am trying to find out if you have possible metal contamination on the column….

LA LA LA ...Almost there...

Caller:  I do not have the bottle here by the phone. But there are no metals.  I am analyzing anions.

Tech:  Ma’am, can you tell me if you can remember any of the names on any those bottles?


Caller: Well, there is lithium sulfate and sodium nitrate…and potassium chloride.


Tech:  Ma’am those are alkali metal salts.  They are Group I metal salts…

DING DING.... DING DING...….!!!!!!!!    BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN HELLO….I am the blonde in this conversation…..

Caller: OH...I Guess - He He He YEAH   OH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG She had an EPIPHANY-OH RIGHT MY ASS….You all so better hope she has nothing to do with making anything anyone you know ingests…OH OH OH MY EARS….Oh and everyone just lovin this call…laughing...HOWLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Ma’am, those are alkali metal salts.  The cations are alkali metals; and, they are low valence and  hydrophilic.  Please do a cleaning for hydrophilic contamination of low valence.  Use 10x the eluent concentration to remove the alkali metals from the column. Then I want you to do a 1-3 M HCl cleaning (SAFETY VALVE FOR THE HIGH VALENCE SHE HAS NOT TOLD ME ABOUT……)…and NO I am NOT going there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now let me go KILL the dude who told her hydrophobic…and gave her the OPPORTUNITY TO CALL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CALL ME.....CALL ME NOT...CALL ME...CALL ME NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good thing they came up with that melt-in-your mouth migraine medication....Just one hitch...I AM AFRAID TO TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!  I  MIGHT NOT SURVIVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Siente El Boom
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 11, 2008, 03:55:56 AM
Favorit Jam of the Week:

I will be listening to this all week evrytime my phone rings...HA HA HA ther is always a way to remain SANE....
Title: How Did I Get Here?
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 12, 2008, 04:08:29 PM
A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,
'How did I get here?'
 Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'
 'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.
 'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.
 'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.
 'He sent them also,' the mother said.
 'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.
 'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.
 'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?
 No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here.'
Title: I Keep Repeating Myself-TECH SUPPORT CALL
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 13, 2008, 07:15:51 PM
WOO HOO Call of the what is the deal?  You call tech support to ask a question.  I give you the answer 5 times...and you still repeat the same question to me over and over and over again...

Caller:  Hi...I am calling to ask a question about the PP Strong Cation Exchange column.

OMG I know this guy...he is from L_U.  He is so stupid...that the service rep went and picked up his HPLC sytem and brought it back to _ _ _ _ _ _ .  I mean 32 calls a day and minimum of 8 e-mails/daily.

We had to log all his communications just to prove to his faculty advisor he was stalking Technical Support.  LOL he called 30/50/once 67 times.....hHe told his advisor he called Tech Support "every once in a while."

LOL yeah, like every 5 minutes...OH this guy is DUMB...OK REALLY DUMB...I mean asks for access to do auto cleaning of the flow cell...DING DING DING...if you did not purchase the software you cannot do it...OH but he still insisted on that...even though we kept telling him he had to do it manually.

OK this has got to be good...

Tech:  Sir, what is the question?

Caller:  I want to  know the pore size of the resin on the column.

Tech:  Sir, that column is non-porous.

Caller: Yes, I need the size.

Tech:  Sir, the column is non-porous.  The literature explains the size of the pellicular resin.  But the resin is non-porous.

Caller:  I am in the column manual and I cannot find the pore size.

LOL LOL LOL HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...and you never will..DA..

Tech:  Sir, can you go to

Caller:   Yes.

Tech:  If you type in PP strong cation exchange in the search will come to a number of hits.

Caller:  OK....I do not see anything...

IMAGINE THAT...which part of NON-POROUS...are you NOT getting.

Tech:  I am sending you the link.

Caller:  OK...I have it ...

Tech:  That is the data sheet for the PP Strong Cation Exchange Column.


Caller:  I need the pore size of the resin.


Tech:  Sir, read sentence 2 in paragraph 1.

Caller: says NON-POROUS....OH you taught me something....THANK YOU!!

Next time I say:  Sir, do you have a pen...Sir, write this down N....O.....N   P.....O....R....O.....U....S my whole life....well, sure I have ...EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title: Installing Husband 1.0-Technical Support
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 13, 2008, 10:01:57 PM
Installing a Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a  distinct slow down in overall system performance-- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "I Thought You Loved Me.exe" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 or Happy Hour 7.0.  Happy Hour 7.0 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).  Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 12:01:12 AM
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry .
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ..
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front
of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter
V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you
please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it.
Title: From D-1 Technical Support Center
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 12:04:43 AM
Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
Title: Various Computer Viruses
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 12:07:06 AM
The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, then leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around
300 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

Title: Tech Support Conversations
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 12:09:49 AM
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.


And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.


An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."

Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"


This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."


Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"


My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"


I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.


Tech Support: "All double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't Believe it was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]


Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my Spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"


I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting,I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

Title: Installing Wife 1.0-Technical Support
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 12:17:04 AM

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as *Ignore me, I am dishonest* Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please *delete me*

A Troubled User (KEEP READING)


Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Title: Computer Quotes
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 12:17:29 AM
"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... "
Dan Wineman

Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.
Seymour Cray (commenting on virtual memory).

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Jeremy S. Anderson

Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.

"Avoid the Gates of Hell. Use Linux."

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.

"Bill Gates says no matter how much more power we can supply, he'll develop some really exciting software that will bring the machine to its knees."
Intel VP David House, In _EE_Times_, 16 October 1989

Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
Andrew Tannenbaum

Hardware, n.:
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.

Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.

If NT is your answer, you don't understand the question

The software said it requires Windows 95 or better, so I installed Linux

To iterate is human; to recurse, is divine.

Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practice.
-- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual

C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void.

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history... with the possible exception of handguns and tequila."
Title: How To Clean Your Mouse-LOL
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 12:32:16 AM
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Title: Computer Women
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 12:51:23 AM
 .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!!

B... WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

C... EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

D... SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

E... INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!!

F... SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

G... MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

H... CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!

I... E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

J... VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

Title: Computer Error-This I use Tomorrow
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 12:54:42 AM
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ..

I D 1 0 T

Title: Valentine's Day Gift
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 12:38:38 PM
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:

This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love, Honey Bear

P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.
Title: Men-Women : Short Sweet
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 01:39:41 PM
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."


Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." she told him.

"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

Title: Her Diary-His Diary
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 01:40:27 PM

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing.". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.&n bsp; He seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later, he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


Iowa lost today, but at least I got laid.
Title: Scientists Test Beer For Female Hormones-
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 01:41:01 PM
Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.
Title: Test For MEN ONLY
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 14, 2008, 01:42:00 PM
This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However, women will also benefit by reviewing them, so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence
B. Idealism
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips)!
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5 You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.

What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "We have three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
Title: The Problem with E-mail
Post by: RadonX on February 14, 2008, 08:03:33 PM
Here you go darlin"  From the BIG EASY with LOVE!!!!-RADONX....SWEET

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
Title: Label Instructions-For the Hoplessly Stupid
Post by: RadonX on February 14, 2008, 08:46:29 PM
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Title: Kids on Thunder and Lightning
Post by: MRR on February 14, 2008, 11:23:18 PM
Thunder and Lightning

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Title: Kids Perspective of WATER
Post by: MRR on February 14, 2008, 11:29:24 PM

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

When asked for the formula of water...

Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.

Title: The Albert Einstein Experience
Post by: MXRIP on February 15, 2008, 12:13:57 AM
Albert Einstein had been working on his theory of relativity a lot and he was just about finished. He was almost ready to publish his work. However, he was under a lot of stress so he thought he would go on vacation to Mexico.

Albert had a glorious two-week vacation and was having the time of his life. On the last night he was staying there, he decided to take a walk along the beach and watch the sunset.
As he watched the sun go down, he thought of the light of the sun and then the speed of light. You see, he had been using the speed of light in a lot of his calculations but he didn't decided on what symbol to use for it. Greek had been so overused.

Just at that moment, Senior Wensez was also walking along the beach in the opposite direction. Albert caught him out of the corner of his eye and remarked suddenly, "Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is very fast?"

Senior Wensez paused for a moment and replied, "Si."
Title: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 15, 2008, 12:35:45 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

Title: Lab Sign
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 15, 2008, 12:43:57 AM
Seen on the door to a light-wave lab:

"Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."
Title: Two Cat's On A Roof
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 15, 2008, 12:45:35 AM
Q:  Two cats are on a roof. Which slides off first?
A:  The one with the smaller mew (Greek letter mu - μ).
Title: Archimedes' Principle
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 15, 2008, 12:47:47 AM

Students of physics are frequently told
Of experiments performed by great physicists of old
Like Boyles and Charles - but greatest of these
Was the Principle discovered by Archimedes.

The Sicilian King, Archimedes was told,
Ordered a crown from a large lump of gold,
And though the weight of the gold was completely correct,
The goldsmith's eye made the King suspect
That he'd made up the weight with some cheaper metal
And stolen some gold, that his debts he might settle.
His problem was then of outstanding immensity
As he had no idea, whatsoever, of density.

Climbing into a bath he received a surprise
When he noticed the water beginning to rise.
He suddenly snapped, and let out a scream,
As he realized, with joy, his long-wished-for dream.

He found the upthrust, produced on a body's base*,
To be equal in weight to the water displaced,
And soon volumes and weights would make it quite plain
What various metals the crown could contain,
And so he could easily show to his Royalty
The absolute proof of the goldsmith's disloyalty.

Leaping out of the bath at remarkable rate,
He made for the palace by doorway and gate
But the men in the street were completely confounded
To see a naked man shout "Eureka! I've found it!"

* Is this the only error? The upthrust is not on the base, but at the Centre of Pressure. 

Title: The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
Post by: RIPPIN on February 15, 2008, 01:20:12 AM
                   The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary

Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of

Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first
proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern
computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer
simulation have failed.  Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly
that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or
occasionally upon the month of his or her birth.  This apparent
astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of
astrology as the mother of all science.

Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made
experimentation fashionable.  Bacon was the first science popularizer to
make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even
outsold the fad diets of the period.

Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.

Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for
brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be
poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria.

Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling

CAI: Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction".  The modern system of
training professional scientists without ever exposing them to the
hazards and expense of laboratory work.  Graduates of CAI-based programs
are very good at simulated research.

Cavendish: A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce
remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads to major
scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a British research laboratory
where the tobacco is smoked in abundance.

Chemical: A substance that:
 1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor;
 2) an analytical chemist turns into a procedure;
 3) a physical chemist turns into a straight line;
 4) a biochemist turns into a helix;
 5) a chemical engineer turns into a profit.

Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic
chemist only does for fun.

Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The
practice of submitting manuscripts for publication with the original
figures drawn in non-reproducing blue ink.

Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs.  (See also

Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the mutual
adulteration of two or more elements.

Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the
acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the
purchase request is released.

Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.

En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists.  For
years, efforts were made to use ethylene-diamine for this purpose, but
chemists were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of
the octahedron diagram.  The timely invention of en in 1947
revolutionized the science.

Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students
can drink in a year's time.

Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants
methylate until they drop from exhaustion.

First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one
desired.  For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.

Flame Test: Trial by fire.

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have
been doing informally all along.

Grignard: A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams
and never in real life.

Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic,
analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic

Mercury: (From L.  Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element
No. 80, so named because of the speed of which one of its compounds
(calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through the human digestive tract.  The element
is perhaps misnamed, because the gods probably would not be pleased by
the physiological message so delivered.

Monomer: One mer.  (Compare POLYMER).

Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory
when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature
gets no credit for making it with great ease.

Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into

Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab
supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.

Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the
traditional academic grading system with a binary one that can be
handled by a large digital computer.

Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs.  (See also

Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in
the universe.

Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors before
they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility.

Polymer: Many mers.  (Compare MONOMERS).

Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory ritual
practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if
the gods are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).

Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and
oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty

Purple Passion: A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of
grape juice and lab alcohol.

Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which
decay frequently to the ground state.

Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula
based on its utility and applicability.  H=E, for example, applies to
everything everywhere, and therefore rates an A.  pV=nRT, on the other
hand, is good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+,
but this grade can be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial
coefficients are added.

Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity,
you do for the money, he does to hog all the glory.

Sagan: The international unit of humility.

Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be
proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are
therefore futile.

SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".

Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman

Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical
specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.

Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for
that purpose.  (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).

October 9
May 11
X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians,
caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged
periods.  The condition is readily cured by a greater reliance on blood
chemistries; the lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but
are easier to read.

Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village
of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and
film personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish).  Ytterbium is
used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used
mainly to play Jane Powell's father.
Title: The Chemist's Song
Post by: LSB on February 15, 2008, 01:49:35 AM

Sung to the tune of Monty Python's "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Okay."

        CHEMIST                            CHORUS

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I sleep al night and I work all day.     He sleeps all night and he works
                                                                 all day.
I clean my flasks, I read my JACS,       He cleans his flasks, he reads
                                                                 his JACS,
I do reactions well.                     He does reactions well.
Someday I'll be unlucky                  Some day we'll all be lucky
And blow my self to Hell.                And watch him blown to Hell.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I prowl the library all day.             He prowls the library all day.
The articles that I could use            The articles that he could use
Are gone when they're in need.           Are gone when they're in need.
If I were a bookbinder,                  If he were a bookbinder,
I'd have them all to read!               He'd have to learn to read.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I sleep all night and I sleep all day.   He sleeps all night and he
                                                            sleeps all day.
I like my work, I like my profs,         He hates his work, he hates his
I go to seminars.                        He sleeps through seminars.
When I do any research                   The Boss can take his research
I just wind up with tars.                And shove it up his arse.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I work all night and I work all day.     He works all night and he works
                                                                  all day.
I rotovap, distill it off,               He rotovaps, distills it off,
Do chromatography.                       Does chromatography.
I think that by tomorrow                 We think that by tomorrow
I'll have some THC.                      He'll have some LSD.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I work all night and I sleep all day.    He works all night and he
                                                           sleeps all day.
I do my work, I teach a class,           He does his work, he teaches class,
I earn another buck.                     He earns another buck.
There's one girl in my section           There's one girl in his section
I'd surely like to fail.                 He's never gonna fail.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.    He sleeps all night and he
                                                             works all day.
I used up all the ethanol,               He used up all the ethanol,
I don't know where it went.              He don't know where it went.
Now I can't work for six weeks,          Now he can't work for six weeks,
The stockroom's closed for Lent.         He's drying out in Trent.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I work all night and I sleep all day.    He works all night and he
                                                            sleeps all day.
I make bad smells, I produce tar,        He makes bad smells, produces tar,
I spend the bosses grant.                And spends the boss's grant.
I tell him I'll make progress            He tells him he'll make progress
And work so hard I'll pant.              Although he really can't.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I sleep all night and I sleep all day.   He sleeps all night and he
                                                             sleeps al day.
I work with nasty chemicals,             He works with nasty  chemicals
They really make a stink.                That really make a stink.
I use the waste containers               To clear a room is easy,
And never use the sink.                  He pours them down a sink.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I phone all night and I phone all day.   He phones all night and he
                                                           phones all day.
I buy up stocks, invest in bonds,        He buys up stocks, invests in
And sell commodities.                    And sells commodities.
And when the Market's slumping,          And when the Market's slumping,
I live in poverty!                       He does his chemistry!
Title: Tabloidium
Post by: ERHONE on February 15, 2008, 02:00:28 AM
Tabloidium Recent research into certain improbable, not to say implausible
events has forced the development of an explanation involving the existence
of a previously unknown element.

Research into the properties of the minerals maxwellite and murdochite has
led to the conclusion that these can only be explained by the existence of
a previously unknown element with some very curious qualities:

* This hypothetical substance appears to dramatically increase the
  intensity of any reaction it comes into contact with, sometimes to the
  extent of causing unpredictable explosions.
* If stimulated by a changing environment it fluoresces "negative
  light" spreading darkness all around itself.
* All mathematics concerning this substance involve the lowest common
  denominator to an unfeasible degree.

* The substance may be narcotic as exposed humans tend to adopt behaviours
  that are either actually or apparently (There is often confusion as to
  which.) socially unacceptable.

This element has been tentatively christened "Tabloidium" and efforts
are proceeding to fit it into the established periodic table without, at
present any great success. One group of the research team feels that
Tabloidium may be akin to the rare earth’s but with a common
touch. However, a larger group suggests the creation of an entirely new
group of elements, the "Ignoble gases" probably for want of a better

Sources of Tabloidium

It is becoming apparent that Tabloidium is not actually scarce and it is
remarkable that something so common could remain unnoticed for so long. It
has been suggested that the elements almost complete lack of substance
enabled it to escape the notice of those capable of rational thought until
growing ubiquity thrust it upon the attention of the scientific community.

The first major deposit to exploit the world (Another curious reversal.)
was a large, near spherical lode of maxwellite believed to originate
somewhere in central Europe. This remained the main source of Tabloidium in
Britain until mismanagement led to a near melt-down. Disaster was only
prevented by copious aqueous flooding leaving the deposit drowned to this
day and the consequences of these regrettable events are still felt by
those unfortunate enough to have been involved.

Tabloidium is now chiefly sourced from a deposit of murdochite of
antipodean origin. This source has the advantage that its refractory nature
makes total melt-down unlikely. The disadvantage is that the integrity of
the material (In the physical rather than the moral sense) makes it
extremely difficult to separate out the toxic by-products present with
tragic results in a number of cases.

Title: Too Smart for 1st Grade
Post by: MRR on February 15, 2008, 02:52:52 PM
Too Smart for 1st Grade

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Little Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Little Johnny: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Little Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Little Johnny: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Little Johnny: "Yup"

Teacher: you blow me, you feel good"

Little Johnny: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"

Little Johnny: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Little Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself
Title: Techcnical Support-God and Adam…
Post by: MRR on February 15, 2008, 02:53:37 PM
Techcnical Support-God and Adam…

A God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "G ladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley." 

Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geeezzzzeee.."  LOL I say that a lot too…..
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

"What's a headache?
Title: Looking Forward To The Weekend Sorm-Chicago
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 15, 2008, 04:19:08 PM
How To Not Pull Your car Out of The Snow

Lovely Weekend It Will Be in Chicago

Title: Blonde Medical Terminology
Post by: RadonX on February 15, 2008, 07:45:00 PM
Blonde Medical Terminology

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited
Title: Ken's Letter To Santa
Post by: CobaltLS on February 15, 2008, 11:36:09 PM
Ken's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and
career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs
and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues, feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment -the b$*%( has everything. along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream
house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I
am forced to mix and match at great length.
My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"?

In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit
Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away,

I need bendable knees so I can kick the b$*%( to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by
myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Title: Top 10 Ways To Get Kicked Out of A Chemistry Lab
Post by: CobaltLS on February 15, 2008, 11:37:20 PM
Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

1) Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

2)Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"

3)Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."

4)Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."

5)When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

6)Deny the existence of chemicals.

7)Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

8)Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

9)Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid

10)Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

Title: Stupid Test Answers
Post by: DEACH on February 16, 2008, 12:16:10 AM
1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.

5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.

7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.

15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.

Title: Life Before the Computer
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 16, 2008, 09:40:32 PM
Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut you did with a pocket knife.  Paste you did with glue.  A web was a spider's home.  A virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head.   I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash; but, when it happens they wish they were dead!

Title: Funny Kid Stories
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 16, 2008, 09:51:34 PM
A mother took her 3-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you..."


A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

9-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Joey said, "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge, and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"


A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
Title: ANNUAL Employee Review
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 16, 2008, 09:55:53 PM
John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.

Signed ...

A memo was soon sent following the letter:


That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.

Title: Local Law-NM
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 16, 2008, 09:59:26 PM

In the New Mexico Legislature's 1995 session, Sen. Duncan Scott, a Republican from Albuquerque, proposed an amendment to a psychologist regulatory bill offered by another senator. The Scott amendment would have dramatically changed the face of New Mexico's legal system: The amendment said: "When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies during a defendant's competency hearing, the psychologist or psychiatrist shall wear a cone-shaped hat that is not less than two feet tall. The surface of the hat shall be imprinted with stars and lightning bolts.

"Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required to don a white beard that is not less than 18 inches in length, and shall punctuate crucial elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a wand. Whenever a psychologist or psychiatrist provides expert testimony regarding a defendant's competency, the bailiff shall contemporaneously dim the courtroom lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gong."

The bill, with the wizard amendment, passed the Senate by voice vote and cleared the House 46-14.
Unfortunately, Gov. Gary Johnson vetoed the legislation.
Title: Stupid Local Laws
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 16, 2008, 10:00:42 PM
Stupid Local Laws

In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."

In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.

In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Chico, California, the city council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).

In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel...however up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

The state of Washington has passed a law stating it is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.

To keep any of the incarcerated beast from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville, NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.

If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.

Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.

Don't bother the butterflies in Pacific Grove, CA unless you have an extra $500 for the offense.

The same is true for bullfrogs and cottontails in Hayden, AZ. Disturbing them in the city limits is against the law.

Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger.

Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!

In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.

What happens to doughnut holes? Well, they won't be found in Lehigh NE. Selling doughnut holes in this city is verboten.

And if any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forewarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!

It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.

In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.

In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!

In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years ago, the Farmer's Anti-Automobile society set up some "rules of the road." In effect, they said:
a. "Automobiles traveling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear."
b. "If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery."
c. "In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes."

Utah: It is against the law to fish from horseback.

In Bexley, Ohio, the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses is prohibited.

Indiana: Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a $25 dollar fine and the trial costs.

No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.

California: In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance, forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.

In Harthahorne Oklahoma, City Ordinance states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.

In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.

In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.

In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club" An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."

In Grand Haven, Michigan, no person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.

In Russell, Kansas, it is against the law to have a musical car horn.

A Glendale, California, ordinance permits horror films to be shown only on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays.

Cicero, Illinois, prohibits humming on public streets on Sundays.

Hunting with a rifle is permitted in Norfolk County, Virginia - provided that the hunter is fifteen feet off the ground.

You may water your lawn on Staten Island, New York, provided that you hold the hose in your hand while doing so; but to lay a hose on the lawn or to use a sprinkler for watering your lawn is unlawful.

Clinton County, Ohio, calls for a fine for anyone caught leaning against a public building.

Loins may not be taken to the theater in Maryland.

Abilene, Texas, makes it illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

In TX: It is illegal to walk around with a concealed ice cream cone.

In Carmel, CA, it is illegal to eat ice cream while standing on the sidewalk.

In Prunedale, CA, it is illegal to have two indoor bathtubs in your house.

Title: Heavenly Inventions-COMPARED
Post by: RIPPIN on February 16, 2008, 11:41:05 PM
Arthur Davidson of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corp, dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, an angel tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world.

As a reward you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Arthur to the throne room and introduces him to God...

Arthur asks God, "Hey aren't you the inventor of the woman??" God says, "Yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front protrusion....

2. It chatters at high speeds....

3 The rear end wobbles too much, and..

4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm..." replies God. "Hold on." God goes to his celestial supercomputer, types in a few lines and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur. "But according to my computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."
Title: Learning From Each Other
Post by: DEACH on February 17, 2008, 05:35:08 AM
Learning Each Other

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, But we don't know anything about each other.

He said, That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, That was incredible!

He said, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?

No. she said, I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.
Title: Kid With A Fake ID-Hilarious
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 17, 2008, 05:12:15 PM
Title: Sexual Harassment and You
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 17, 2008, 05:19:06 PM
Title: THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 18, 2008, 02:49:36 AM
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:  

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... Have a great day and remember...

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: The Flight To Tampa
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 18, 2008, 02:54:48 AM
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our  final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear  his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got  planned while we're in Tampa ?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel,    take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge *(#$ out for dinner.... I 'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately  begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this  new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He'sgotta land the plane and take a s#*$ first....
Title: Men Are Like...
Post by: CobaltLS on February 19, 2008, 03:30:26 AM
Men are like a deck of cards....

You need a heart to love them
A Diamond to marry them
A Club to beat them
And a spade to bury the bastards

Title: Viagra
Post by: CobaltLS on February 19, 2008, 03:31:48 AM
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

Title: Back Seat
Post by: CobaltLS on February 19, 2008, 03:35:19 AM
A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''
The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''

Title: Girls Night Out
Post by: CobaltLS on February 19, 2008, 03:37:51 AM
Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Title: Rich Hooker
Post by: LSB on February 19, 2008, 03:49:15 AM
One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

She said "200 dollars"

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving head jobs."

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

"1000 dollars'

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if I had a Vagina."

Title: Bad Nuns
Post by: LSB on February 19, 2008, 03:51:19 AM
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

Title: Hey Someone out There Teach These People Electrochemical Detection!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 19, 2008, 11:32:17 PM
I had 20 calls today from people who do ECD on IC and NOT ONE OF THEM GETS IT.....Oh there so has to be balance in this universe...telling me "Nothing Comes Off the Column"....IS NOT PROACTIVE...

When I ask did you check your flow-rate...."HUH??  What do you mean?"..IS A BAD ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Do Not Tell Me "nothing comes off the column"..If You Have Flow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When you tell me you more than double the eluent concentration "BECAUSE IT MAKES THE PEAKS COM OFF FASTER"  NOT A GOOD WAY TO EXPRESS YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....So what.... you are calling me to tell me you are a damn idiot and then you are going to prove it to me in 10 sentences ..or less....I GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG !!!  You have convinced me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I ask what your background is... responding with "+1 and -1" MEANS NOTHING TO ME....and OMG...when I ask for a "number in not whip the first thing out of your A@#...and tell me 80 nC....with a 5 mM KOH concentration...BECAUSE YOU MADE IT UP...OR YOU ARE A NUT.....20 nC = 18 mM KOH....GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This just really eally really really sucks.....I MEAN GGGGEEEEZZZZZEEEEE...and DO NOT SIGN YOUR RESPONSES PhD....QUIT IT...QUIT IT NOW...JUST DO ME A FAVOR and Keep that a secret OK....I do NOT WANT TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And do not tell me you use HPLC water in an IC system....because it is NOT ASSAYED FOR MINERAL is only assayed for things that absob in the UV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am smart and you are not...and you will remind me of that very minute of the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OK THANKS..

I am going on vacation....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 20, 2008, 07:23:21 PM

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?    116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?      Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut?     Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?     November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?     Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?     Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?     Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?     Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?      New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?     Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?
Me, too.

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel inadequate too.

Title: Dead Boss
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 21, 2008, 10:06:32 PM
Dead Boss
A guy phones up his boss' house, but gets the boss' wife instead. He asks to speak to her husband.

"I'm afraid he died earlier today," she says.

The next day, the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you," the wife replies, "he died yesterday."

The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time, the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I've already told you twice that he died. Why do you keep calling?"

"Because," he replies, laughing, "I just love hearing it!"
Title: Great Letter From Management
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 21, 2008, 10:07:11 PM
Great Email from Management
TO: All Employees
RE: Swearing at work

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Title: Rearrange The Letters!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 21, 2008, 10:08:14 PM
Rearrange The Letters
When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:


When you rearrange the letters:
Title: Fatal Attraction
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 21, 2008, 10:08:49 PM
Fatal Attraction

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she?s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don?t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You?re next.
Title: The Dummy Guide To Man's Vocabulary
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 22, 2008, 01:05:06 AM
Haven’t I seen you before?” = “Nice ass.”

“I’m a Romantic.” = “I’m poor.”

“I need you.” = “My hand is tired.”

“I am different from all the other guys.” = “I am not circumcised.”
“I want a commitment.” = “I’m sick of masturbation.”

“You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.” = “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

“I really want to get to know you better.” = “So I can tell my friends about it.”

“It’s just orange juice, try it.” = “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”

“She’s kinda cute.” = “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”

“I don’t know if I like her.” = “She won’t sleep with me.”

“I miss you so much.” = “I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.”

“Was it good for you?” = “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

“How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?” = “Is my penis really that small?”

“I had a wonderful time last night.” = “Who the hell are you?”

“I’ll give you a call.” = “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot.” = “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

“I think we should just be friends.” = “You’re ugly.”

I’ve learned a lot from you.” = “Next !!!”

“I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?” = “I forgot to turn on my answering machine.”

“Do you love me?” = “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

“Do you ‘really’ love me?” = “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

“How much do you love me?” = “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”

“I have something to tell you.” = “Get tested.”

Title: Dearest, I Know We Have Broken It Off, But It Is Not The Same Without You!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 22, 2008, 01:08:43 AM
Dear Jenny,

I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: “There’s no one like you, Jenny.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Zouk and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent idoing ballet can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. *(#$ like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Jenny? I doubt it. And I’d never really thought of that before.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little. Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Jenny, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Mary, that single mom we met at the Grand Hyatt lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we’re banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Jenny ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy.”

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Angelina’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Jenny, she really is. So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Angelina’s really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It’s true, Jenny. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the f&#^$*@ remote is.



Title: Psycho Pick-Up Lines
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 22, 2008, 01:34:03 AM
PSYCHO PICK-UP LINES-For....Well You Know Who You Are....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* "Wanna swap meds?"

* "Can I buy you a spatula?"

* "Bet you're wondering why I have no nostrils?"

* "Your crawlspace or mine?"

* "You look like the kind of person who appreciates catheters."

* "May I lick your forehead?"

* "Do you always wear your shoes over your socks? "

* "Smeep. Smeep. Smeep."

* "What's your favorite flavor of wood?"

* "You've stolen my heart, but thats okay because I have three more back home in the freezer!"

Title: 50th Anniversary-Congratulations!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 22, 2008, 07:39:46 PM
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage
seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to
treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to
Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all
The husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for
your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go and get her."

Title: Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At Wal-Mart
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 22, 2008, 08:49:20 PM
Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At Wal-Mart

1.  Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they don't realize it.
2.  Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout the day.
3.  Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the
4.  Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5.  Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
and turn the volumes to "10."
6.  Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7.  Put M&M's on layaway.
8.  Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9.  Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10.  When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't
you people just leave me alone?"
11.  Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.
12.  Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13.  Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14.  While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk
if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15.  Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the
16.  Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission
17.  Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18.  In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with
various funnels.
19.  Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say
things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20.  When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the
fetal position and scream, "No, no!  It's those voices again!"
21.  If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that
you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in
22.  Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of
toilet paper in here!"

Title: Final Exam Fun
Post by: RIPPIN on February 22, 2008, 09:00:44 PM
Final Exam Fun!
1.Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.
Wake up, say "Oh geez, better get cracking!" and do some gibberish work.
Turn it in a few minutes early.

2.Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got secret

3.If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.

4.Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5.Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your
answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure
you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a joke the
instructor and the class are!

6.Bring cheerleaders.

7.Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say
to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every
lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you?
Where's the regular guy?"

8.Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at maximum level.

9.On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10.Bring pets.

11.Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breath a sigh relief.
Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave to country"
and run off.

12.Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers in very
small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas!"
If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam Say you lost the first
one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13.Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14.Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head,
and nothing else.

15.Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be
vulgar as possible.

16.Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one
up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17.Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame
it on the person nearest to you.

18.As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19.Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping
your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them
stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20.Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another
seat, continue with the exam.

21.Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out
start commenting on how easy it was.
22.Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. I it is
a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BAB etc..).
23.Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.

24.Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently,
scream out "f&#$ this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25.Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor
that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour
to go drink).

26.Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during
the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27.Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above
my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28.Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29.Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on
a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera!" until
they drag you away.

30.Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right
to take the exam.

31.Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "You
don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days Of Our Lives is on!!!"
32.Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33.From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave
one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34.Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35.If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36.Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37.Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through exam.
Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38.Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious!) like
history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing,
you're getting kicked out too! Staple them to the exam, with the comment,
"Please use the attached notes for references as you see appropriate.

39.When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40.After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41.One word: Wrestlemania.

42.Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like the do
before concerts start.

43.Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44.Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45.Sit around until the exam invigilator tells you to stop writing. Keep
writing as every exam is collected and wait till they're all in a big
pile. Then walk up and say you've finished. (Assuming you've missed all
your classes too) you can then say "Do you know who I am?"
very loudly if hassled about handing in the exam late. The instructor
will say no, and you can shove the exam randomly anywhere in the pile. 
Post by: LSB on February 22, 2008, 10:04:31 PM

10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Title: Top 10 Things to do at the Mall
Post by: MDMTX on February 22, 2008, 10:12:59 PM
Top 10 Things to do at the Mall

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
Title: Renting An Adult Movie
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 22, 2008, 10:21:06 PM
Renting An Adult Movie

A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”
Title: Psychological Christmas Songs
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 22, 2008, 10:32:27 PM
Psychological Christmas Songs HA HA HA HA -LMAO LOL LOL

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY: We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC: Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA: Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY: Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire. PASSIVE

AGGRESSIVE: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
Title: The Rules Of The Relationship
Post by: CobaltLS on February 22, 2008, 10:38:54 PM
The Rules Of The Relationship

For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect
in every relationship.

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which
was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.

7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing
the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be
angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants
him to be calm, angry or upset.

13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

14. The female always gets the last word!

(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are
null and void under the PMS Exception Law

Title: Blonde Education Department
Post by: DEACH on February 22, 2008, 10:43:13 PM
Blonde Education Department

The blondes at the university led by Suzy , were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbo's. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So Suzy pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.

Suzy and the blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbo's -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department designed by Suzy which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."

Title: Shopping For A Man
Post by: CobaltLS on February 22, 2008, 11:45:08 PM
Shopping For A Man

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
Title: Men And Women
Post by: CobaltLS on February 22, 2008, 11:47:40 PM
Men And Women

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

* To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

* Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

* Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

* A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

* There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Post by: RIPPIN on February 23, 2008, 12:17:01 AM

How To Sing the Blues

1. Most Blues begin “woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in right away:
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pounds.

4. The Blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out. 
5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Other acceptable Blues transportation modes include Greyhound buses and southbound trains. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.

6. Adults sing the Blues. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. In the Blues, "adulthood" means old enough to get the electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis.

7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression. The best places to have the Blues are still Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg when your broken-down pickup truck rolled over on it is.

9. The following colors do not belong in the Blues: violet, beige, mauve (unless you’re truly desperate for a rhyme).

9. You can’t have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is just plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places to have the Blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places to have the Blues: ashrams, gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons, golf courses, Tiffany's, and Ivy League institutions.

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man—and it’s an old black suit.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Answer “Yes” if:
a. your first name is a southern state—like Georgia
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can’t be satisfied.
e. you're older than dirt
Answer “No” if:
a. you once were blind but now can see.
b. you’re deaf
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a trust fund or an IRA.
e. you have all your teeth
f. you were once blind but now can see

13. Blues is not about color, it's about bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues; Gary Coleman could. Ugly old white people got a leg up on the blues. Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand will never sing the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy water, beer, black coffee. Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks, kosher wine, sparkling water, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast. Although Rubber Biscuits and the Wish Sandwich are famous blues snacks, better stick to common blues grub like Greasy Bar-b-que, Fatback and beans, and Government cheeze. Blues food is never: Club sandwich, Sushi, or Crème brule.

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So is substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.

16. Excellent names for female Blues singers: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, or Fat River Dumpling. Excellent names for male Blues singers: Willie, Joe, Little Willie, Lightning, or Big Willie. Singers with names like Muffy, Sierra, Auburn, Alexis, Gwenyth, Sequoiz, Brittany or Rainbow are not permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17. The Build Your Own Blues Singer Name Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic)
b. First name (from above lists) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of a U. S. president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Okay, maybe not "Kiwi"…)

18. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
You'd best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun.
Maybe your big ass woman just done sit on it. I don't care

19. Hey there, you can READ! This too be a big ol' problem. Most folks singin' the
Blues ain't never had much a chance for education. In the Blues… the three R's stand
for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab.

20. It gots to be dark to sing the blues, preferably after midnight. Singin' da blues at noon is forbidden.

21. If none of the above works, try one last, pathetic stab at authenticity: name your guitar. Remember, Lucille is taken.

22. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning"
Post by: REDTX on February 23, 2008, 12:36:11 AM
Had to add this to your Archives...LOL...FROM TEXAS WITH LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Real Country Music Song Titles:
All I Want From You (Is Away)
All My Exes Live In Texas
All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down
Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?
Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus?
Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord?
At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears
Bubba Shot The Jukebox
Bubba's Inconvenience Store
Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against the Grain
Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love)
Cow Cow Strut
Did I Shave my Legs for This?

Do You Love As Good As You Look?
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You.
Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load!
Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' on Yo-mind
Don't Give Me A Plastic Saddle 'Cuz I Want To Feel That Leather When I Ride
Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
Don't Squeeze My Sharmon.
Don't Strike A Match (To The Book Of Love)
Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
Get Off the Table, Mabel (The Two Dollars is for the Beer)
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
Git Up Off'n the Floor Hannah (a Bitter New Year's Eve)
Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart.
Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
Heaven's Just A Sin Away.
Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind.
Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
Her Only Bad Habit Is Me
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)
High Cost of Low Living
Hold On To Your Men..’Cause She's Single Again
How Can A Whiskey That's 6 Years Old Whup A Man That's 33?
How Can I Get Over You if You Won't Get Out from Under Me?
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral.
I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
I Can't Pass the Bar, and There's One on my Way Home
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life.
I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes 'Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus Sittin' on the Dashboard of my Car
I Don't Do Floors
I Don't Know What Came Over Me (When I Came All Over You)
I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It.
I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade
I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger
I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2.
I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You.
I Got the Hungries for Your Love, and I'm Waitin In Your Welfare Line
I Got Through Everything But The Door
I Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming
I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine.
I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You.
I Like Bananas Because They Have No Bones
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain't Used Up
I Meant Every Word That He Said.
I Only Miss You On The Days That End In " Y "
I Sat Down On A Beartrap (Just This Morning)
I Sent Her Artifical Flowers For Her Artificial Love
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
I Wanna Whip Your Cow.
I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart
I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me
I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me
I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me
I Wish I Were A Lesbian
I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)
I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town.
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
I Would Kiss You Through the Screendoor but It'd Strain Our Love
I Wouldn't Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win.
I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy.
I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing
I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You
If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me, Her Memory Will.
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You.
If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It.
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I Had a Nose Full of Nickels, I'd Sneeze Them All Atchoo!
If I Had It To Do All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You
If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?
If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me
If I'd Killed You When I Wanted To, I'd be Out of Jail By Now
If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low.
If My Nose Was Running Money, Honey, I'd Blow It Al On You
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
If She Hadn't Been So Good Lookin' I Might Have Seen the Train
If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love.
If the Devil Danced in Empty Pockets, He'd Have a Ball in Mine
If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long.
If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
If Today Was A Fish, I'd Throw It Back In
If Whiskey Were A Woman, I'd Be Married For Sure.
If You Can't Be Good, Be Bad With Me
If You Can't Be Good, Son, Be Good At It
If You Can't Bite, Don't Growl.
If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There).
If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?
If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Don't Leave Me, I'll Find Someone Who Will
If You Ever Get the Feelin' I Don't Love You, Feel Again.
If You Got the Money, Honey, I Got the Time
If You Leave Me I'm Gone
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
If You Really Loved Me, You'd Leave
If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put it Next to My Ex-Wife's Heart
If You Want Your Freedom PDQ, Divorce Me COD
If You’re Gonna Do Him Wrong Again, You Might As Well Do Him Wrong Again With Me!
If You're Gonna Do Me Wrong, Do It Right
I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him.
I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
I'll Tennessee You In My Dreams
I'm Drinkin Christmas Dinner (All Alone This Year)
I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue.
I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home.
I'm Gonna Put a Bar in the Back of my Car and Drive Myself to Drink
I'm Havin' Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon.
I'm Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail
I'm In Love With A Capital U
I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life.
I'm Just an Old Chunk of Coal (But I'm Gonna be a Diamond Someday)
I'm Not Married But The Wife Is.
I'm Quittin' Wild Turkey Cold Turkey
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here.
I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised.
I'm Under The Table Over You
Is It Cold in Here, or Is it Just You?
It Ain't Easy Being Easy
It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad.
It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me.
It Only Takes One Bar (To Make A Prison)
It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long.
It Took a Helluva Man to Take my Anne, but it Sure Didn't Take Him Long
It's Not the High Cost of Living, It's the Cost of Living High
I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart.
I've Been Roped And Throwed By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
I've Got $5 And It's Saturday Night
I've Got a Cowboy In The Saddle, and Another One's Holding My Horse
I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat!
I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time.
I've Got Tears In My Eyes From Lying On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You.
I've Got the Cob, If You've Got the Corn
I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
I've Heard that Tear Stained Monologue You Do There by the Door Before You Go
Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated Quick Dissolving Fast Acting Pleasant Tasting Green and Purple Pills
Jesus Loves Me But He Can't Stand You
Jim, I Wore A Tie Today
Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl,
Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
Last Night I Went to Bed with a "10" and Woke this Morning with a "2"
Lay Something On My Bed Besides A Blanket
Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me.
Legendary Chicken Fairy
Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
Make Me Late For Work Today.
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose.
Meet Me In the Gravel Pit, Honey, Cuz I'm a Little Boulder There
Mommy, Can I Still Call Him Daddy?
My Every Day Silver Is Plastic.
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus.
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
My Lips Want to Stay (But My Heart Wants to Go)
My Phone Ain't Been Ringing, so I Guess it Wasn't You
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
Nashville Rash
Ned Nostril (and his South Seas Paradise, Put Your Blues on Ice, Cheap at Twice the Price Band, Icky Icky Ucky Ucky)
No Way, Conway (I Ain't Gonna Twitty Tonight)
Occasional Wife
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
Oh, Lord! It's Hard To Be Humble When You're Perfect In Every Way.
Our Love is Illegal, Cause Our Names Ain't the Same
Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed.
Overlonely and Underkissed
Pardon Me, I've Been Pardoned
Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill.
Phantom Of The Opry
Pick Me Up On Your Way Down
Pick Me Up Or Let Me Down
Please Bypass This Heart.
Poultry Promenade
Queen Of My Double-Wide Trailer
Red Necks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer
Redneck Martians Stole My Baby
Refried Dreams
Run for the Roundhouse Nellie (He Can't Corner You There)
Saddle Up the Stove Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight
She Broke My Heart, I Broke Her Jaw
She Can Put Her Shoes Under My Bed Anytime
She Feels Like A New Man Tonight.
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft.
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
She Looks Good Through the Bottom of My Shot Glass
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night It Was Honor and Offer
She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy
She Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas
She's Actin' Single.. I'm Drinkin' Doubles
She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty.
She's Got the Rhythm (And I Got the Blues)
She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without.
Slap 'Er Down Again Paw
Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love.
Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You.
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone.
Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You
The Alcohall of Fame
The Bridge Washed Out and I Can't Swim and My Baby's On the Other Side
The Last Word In Lonesome Is "Me".
The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me)
The Old Home Fill 'er Up and Keep On Truckin' Cafe"
The Pint Of No Return.
There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit Of The Looms to Hold All My Lovin' For You
There Ain't No Waste In My Baby's Love Canal.
There's A Tear In My Beer
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out.
This Good Girl's Gonna Go Bad
This White Circle on My Finger Means We're Through
Tight Fittin' Jeans
Timber... I'm Fallin In Love
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands.
Trainwreck Of Emotion
Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart.
Waitin' In Your Welfare Line
Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In
Warm Beer and Cold Kisses
Warm Beer Cold Women
We Used To Kiss On The Lips, But It's All Over Now
Welcome to Dumpsville, Population Me
What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made A Loser Out Of Me).
When the Lightning Struck the Coon Creek Party Line
When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town).
When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
When You Wrapped My Lunch in a Road Map, I Knew You Meant Good-Bye
Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?
Who's Gonna Mow Your Grass?
Who's Gonna Take The Garbage Out When I'm Dead And Gone?
Who's Makin' Time with the Time Keeper's Daughter, when the Time Keeper's Keepin' Time?
Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw
Why Have You Left the One You Left Me For?
Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?
Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
Yard Sale
You Ain't Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin'
You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog ('s Leavins')
You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man
You Can Lock Me Up in Jail & Throw Away the Key, But You Can't Keep My Face from Breaking Out
You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play.
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too.
You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd.
You Changed Your Name From Brown to Jones, and Mine From Brown to Blue
You Done Stomped On my Heart (and You Mashed That Sucker Flat)
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You Goodbye
You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me.
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
You'd think my Bed was a Bus Stop, the Way You Come and Go
Your Negligee Has Turned To Flannel Nightgowns
Your Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life.
You're A Cross I Can't Bear.
You're a Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch
You're Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation
You're Out Of Step (With The Beat Of My Heart)
You're Ruining My Bad Reputation.
You're The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can't Bite You Off
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
You're The Ring Around My Bathtub, You're The Hangnail Of My Life
You've Already Put Big Old Tears In My Eyes, Must You Throw Dirt In My Face?
You've Got Sawdust On The Floor Of Your Heart

Title: Things That Never Happen in Star Trek
Post by: DEACH on February 23, 2008, 12:41:30 AM
OK, it took me a while to dig this one out of those dusty files...For Your Forum Archives From Chicago With LOVE!!!!!

Things That Never Happen in Star Trek

1) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.
2) The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists who are all perfectly all right.
3) The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4) The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
5) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6) An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7) A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8) A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
9) The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
10) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11) The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12) The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify with candy.
14) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in no way connected with the 20th century.
15) Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
17) The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18) The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day
19) An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20) A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21) Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22) Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23) Picard walks up to a replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24) Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
25) Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
26) Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
27) When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
28) Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
29) Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
30) Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
31) Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
32) The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
33) Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
34) Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35) Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand-up comedy routine.
36) Data falls in love with the replicator.
37) Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. [or even: Kirk (or Riker) meets an attractive woman and does not fall in love. -psl]
38) The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
40) Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
41) Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
42) Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
43) Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
44) Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics
45) Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
46) The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow. 
Title: Ways To Annoy People At The Movies
Post by: MXRIP on February 23, 2008, 01:13:19 AM
Ways To Annoy People At The Movies....FOR YOUR ARCHIVES

Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"

Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.

Clap when the good guy gets killed.

During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"

Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"

Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.

Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.

Yell out what is going to happen.

Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.

Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is.

Dress for every movie as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.
Wear 3d glasses. Complain loudly how bad the effect are.

Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.

Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.

Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming.

Every time a character's name is mentioned do the Richmeister. (for a guy named Nick say, the Nickmeister, the Nickenator, Nickarino...)

Bring a beach ball. Toss it around.

Try to start a wave.

Become a bookie. Take bets on who will die first.

Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window.

Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!"

Sing with the theme music.

Bring and use your own air freshener.

At the ticket booth, request tickets for really old movies, "I'll have two tickets for the Goonies."

Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off.

Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.

Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.

Bring a book and a bright light. Start reading the book with the light on. When someone asks you to turn out the light, yell, "Shh, I'm trying to read!"

Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie.

Bring a Nintendo laser gun. Shoot at the screen.

Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late.

When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, "Ahhh, whiplash!"

Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.

Ask the person at the ticket window, "Do you work here?"

Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie.

Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen.

Get up frequently and leave the room while singing "Let's all go to the Lobby to get ourselves a treat"

Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head.

Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats.

Get 3 people together and act like you are Crow, Tom Servo, and Joel from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Before the movie starts, stand up, and imitate the Truth commercial saying, "The makers of this film couldn't find any way to make their characters rebellious, rockin`, or cool so instead, they'll just smoke."

When someone walks by you in the aisle scream, "Ahhhhhh! Bad Touch!"

Play musical chairs, getting up frequently and moving right next to someone sitting by themself.

Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle.

During a love scene, stand up and run to the screen shouting "Hooters!"

Before the movie begins, tape fart cusions to various chairs in the theater room.

Bring a portable air popper, pop your own popcorn.

Bring a watergun and shoot it at anyone who begins talking.

Tie a cardboard box around your waist and walk up and down the aisles shouting "Get your popcorn, peanuts!"

Cough really loudly right at the most important part of the movie, so nobody can here it, like when the killer’s name is going to be said.

Bring a flashlight and shine it on the walls or ceiling, in advance draw an outline o#*@!uy screwing a chick (or perhaps another guy), then cut out the outline and put it in front of the flashlight, so the image can be seen on the wall or ceiling.

Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.

Smuggle in cans of roaches, locusts, ants, and other bugs that can annoy and reproduce quickly. You may even bring in some rats. Then sit in the very back, open the jars, and toss the bugs out on the ground. Since the floor is more slanted in the back the bugs will spread throughout the theater faster. Be sure to be the first one to raise and scream "There’s a #*@!roach crawling up my leg!" Then run out into the lobby and start yelling "there’s #*@!roaches in here!" Or "This theater is contaminated!" The theater will have to close down and fumigate the
showroom(s), and after this little "accident" no one will want to go back to the theater anyway!

Bring a pager or cellphone and set them off every 5 minutes, you can also set off a watch alarm if you have a loud one.

Say "Shhhhh" every 5 minutes.

Pass by a room that’s showing a movie you’ve already seen, put your head into the room, and scream the ending.
Title: Funny NewsPaper Headlines
Post by: MRR on February 23, 2008, 01:17:19 AM
Adding to the Archives..From Texas...SWEET!!!!

Funny Newspaper Headlines

>From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled 'For The Sick,' is for monetary donations only."

>From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case."

>From The Times:
A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: 'This sort of thing is all too common these days.'

>From The Gloucester Citizen:
A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled 'Hear Me Moan' the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, 'He got what he deserved.'

>From The Barnsley Chronicle:
Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his fingertips from the back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul Finch, returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the garden, had visiting Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed out of the rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet high and Mr Melchett had been unable to get his leg over.

>From The Scottish Big Issue:
In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a 'My Name is Henry' convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. 'It was a lie', explained Mr Pap, 'I'm a Henry and always will be,' whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane.

>From The Daily Telegraph:
In a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": "[T]he money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

>From The Derby Abbey Community News:
We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective in the police force.' This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the police farce.

>From The Guardian:
After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to 'Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards.' The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name.

>From The Manchester Evening News:
Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket.

Title: A Little Old Lady and the Bet
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 23, 2008, 01:28:19 AM

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure," says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.

"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!"

Title: Office Slang
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 23, 2008, 01:46:51 AM
New Office Slang

404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”

Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.”

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.   

Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”

Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market”

Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn, I just blew my buffer!” (Synonym: “Head Crash”)

Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. “After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.”

Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?” Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. “I paid three grand for that Mac and now it’s nothing but chip jewelry.”

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.”

Cobweb - A WWW site that never changes.

Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!”

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING..
Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Dorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.”

Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.

Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in “1993 was Barney the dinosaur’s Elvis year”

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in “we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was”

Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?”

Going Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages

GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land - The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.”

High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

It’s a Feature - From the old adage, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people’s computer keyboards.

Link Rot - The process by which web page’s links become obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change or die.

Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also “carbon community” “facetime” “F2F” “RL”

Mouse Potato - The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot - To quit unexpectedly. “My cellular phone just perot’ed.”

Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.”

Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what’s going on.

Ribs ‘N’ Dick - A budget with no fat as in “we’ve got ribs ‘n’ dick and we’re supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades”

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. “God, today was a total salmon day!”

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also “Hollywired”

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. “Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage”

Square-Headed Spouse - Computer

Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. “Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?”

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.

Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this is Dale,”

Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks.

World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.

Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

Yuppie Food Coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.
Title: Murphy's Laws of Work
Post by: DEACH on February 23, 2008, 01:49:02 AM
Murphy's Laws of Work

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the pants.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the
one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it.

9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
boss asks for a ride home from the office.

10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
would be so many.

11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing.

16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the

17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible
for everything that goes wrong

18. Until the next person quits or is fired.

19. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
always enough time to do it over.

20. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
(For instance, The Murphy Centre for Codification of Human and
Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T...).

21. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

22. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your

23. People are always available for work in the past tense.

24. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

25. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.

26. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

27. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

28. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

29. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

30. The longer the title, the less important the job.

31. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman

32. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist
to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

33. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

34. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

35. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

36. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last
10% takes the other 90% of the time.

37. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work

38. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say
you've done and what you're going to do.

39. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of
the month than you did before.

40. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

41. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.

42. Following the rules will not get the job done.

43. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

44. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in a hard days work.

Murphy's Law of Copiers:
The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

Becker's Law:
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.

Belle's Constant:
The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.

Benchley's Law:
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

Brooks's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Cannon's Comment:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Coolidge's Immutable Observation:
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.

Committee Rules:
1. Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2. Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3. Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4. When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5. Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.

Conway's Law #1
If you assign N persons to write a compiler you'll get a N-1 pass compiler.

Conway's Law #2
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. -> This person must be fired.

Cook's Law:
Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.

Cropp's Law:
The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.

Kelly's Law:
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.

Nick the Greek's Law:
All things considered, life is 9-to-5 against.

Professional's Law:
Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you're not.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour:
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Heller's observation :
I love work. I can sit and watch it done for hours.

Clyde's Law :
If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

Crane's Rule :
There are three ways to get something done:
do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Weiler's Law :
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Moer's Truism :
The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sledge dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.
Title: Rules of Grammer
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 23, 2008, 01:56:24 AM
Rules of Grammer

Don't use no double negatives

Don't never use no triple negatives.

No sentence fragments
Corollary: Complete sentences: important.

Stamp out and eliminate redundancy.

Avoid cliches like the plague.

All generalizations are bad.
Corollary: All statements must be specific.

Never listen to advice.

Take care that your verb and subject is in agreement.

A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.

Down with categorical imperatives.

Avoid those run-on sentences that just go on, and on, and on, they never stop,
they just keep rambling, and you really wish the person would just shut up, but
no, they just keep going, they're worse than the Energizer Bunny, they babble
incessantly, and these sentences, they just never stop, they go on forever...if
you get my drift...

Never contradict yourself always.

You should never use the second person.

When dangling, watch your participles.

Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at only one
point and were discovered by Euclid, who lived in the sixth century, which was
an era dominated by the Goths, who lived in what we now know as Poland...

As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations."

Excessive use of exclamation points can be disastrous!!!!!

Remember to end each sentence with a period

Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.

Don't use question marks inappropriately?

Don't be terse.

Don't obfuscate your theses with extraneous verbiage.

Never use that totally cool, radically groovy out-of-date slang.

Avoid tumbling off the cliff of triteness into the black abyss of overused

Keep your ear to the grindstone, your nose to the ground, take the bull by
the horns of a dilemma, and stop mixing your metaphors.

Avoid those abysmally horrible, outrageously repellent exaggerations.

Avoid any awful anachronistic aggravating antediluvian alliterations.

Title: Re: Things That Never Happen in Star Trek
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 23, 2008, 11:36:39 PM
This is a quote from AT&T Technical Support:

“The router assigns the IP addresses…but there is only 1 IP address…only 1 connection point (the router-wireless router) and the various computers share that connection using the network.  They only see the point of the router.  The connection is a DSL dynamic connection.  AT&T (SBC) provides the system with an IP address each time the service is connected.  Each time the network is connected the IP may be different.  But if anyone looks at your IP address they will only see the connection point of the router.  Regardless of how many computers are using your wireless network, they will all be seen as having the same IP address.”

Check this with 1-877-722-3755

Have A Wonderful Day!!!!!

Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 24, 2008, 03:30:32 AM

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

Lifts tall buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the track
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God
Title: The Laws of Cartoon Physics
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 24, 2008, 03:56:51 AM
The Laws of Cartoon Physics

I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle
of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid
matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot,
cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that
only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their
forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this
sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a
perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is
the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions
and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that
they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a
cookie-cutout perfect hole. The threat of skunks or
matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is
greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever
knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to
attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to
capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock
to propel them directly away from the earth's surface.
A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will
induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a
chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The
feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a
speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially
when in flight.

VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from
the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously.
This effect is common as well among bodies that are
spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" character has
the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds
and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to
resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation,
but, at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance
on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable
to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter
is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow
into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art,
not of science.

VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the
traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They
can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated,
spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed.
After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
elongate, snap back, or solidify.

IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
applies to the physical world at large. For that reason,
we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner
Title: What Professors/Teachers Mean
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 24, 2008, 03:58:57 AM
What Professors/Teachers Mean

This needs some minor revision. = I never actually got around to reading this.

My office hours are by appointment only = I like to get out of here early.

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. = I'll be fudging your grades.

This won't be on the test. = Nap time!

Bring the text to class. = I don't have a clue how to lecture - we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.

I'm not fully up to speed on that. = I've got my head up my ass.

I don't have the latest department guidelines... = I've got my head up my ass.

Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed... = I've got my head up his/her ass.

Talk to the department secretary. = Piss off.

Talk to me in my office after class. = Get out of my face.

The tests will all be multiple-choice. = I take questions directly from the study guide, and have grad students do all my grading.

Don't come in late during my lecture. = I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

Save your questions until the end. = See above.

The final will be comprehensive. = I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations. = This course is outside my specialty - I'll just bluff it and let you teach.

There are two TAs available to help you. = I can't be bothered.

This year, I'll be scaling the grades. = I just passed tenure review.

Let's break up into quiet discussion groups. = I have a hangover.

Let's have class outdoors today! = I had beans for lunch.

You won't be able to sell the text back to the bookstore. = My contract wasn't picked up.

Please note the last day to withdraw. = The midterm's gonna suck.

The answer to #4 is "b", and just skip #17. = I only got around to making up the test last night.

The second list is optional reading. = I have a rich fantasy life.

I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet= The *Ignore me, I am a weenie* department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.

Well, it was on the syllabus. = I'll hold you responsible for this, even though I forgot about it myself.

We'll just skip the term paper this semester. = There wasn't enough money in the budget for a TA.

Bring a #2 pencil to the exam. = See above.

Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade. = I'm so boring, no one would show up otherwise..

Read chapters 5 through 10. = I'm not coming in at all next week.

We'll have to cover this chapter quickly. = I screwed up on the lecture schedule.

Let's go over the exam. = Half of you failed.

It was in the textbook. = I pulled it out of my ass.

Extra credit is available. = I need some scut-work done.

I'm postponing today's exam. = There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.

Don't write on the question sheet. = I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester

Title: Subliminal Message
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 24, 2008, 04:06:29 AM
Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.


Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.


Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 24, 2008, 04:10:46 AM

Here is a list of the ways professors grade their final exams:

All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

All students get the same grade they got last year.

What is a grade?

Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Grades are variable.

If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Random number generator determines grade.

Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Title: Legendary Undergraduate Application
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 24, 2008, 04:11:52 AM
Legendary Undergraduate Application

This is said to be an actual essay written by a college applicant,
now attending NYU.



I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs
for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco,
a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army
ants.I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject
of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension
bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last
summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles.

Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in
one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I
do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I
have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving championships in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and
I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.
Title: I Love E-Mails Like This
Post by: Alpha-Omega on February 24, 2008, 04:51:45 AM
OK so Friday our entire network was down GLOBALLY (NO PHONES NO E-MAIL-NADA-nothing in or out from anywhere)....So LOL why was this e-mil sent.....I have highlighed the most ILLOGICAL SECTIONS...Please note this was sent periodically....3 TIMES....they wated to make sure of what exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHH it is not just the people who call!!!!!!!!! They are in the IT Dpartment too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :o HE HE HE HE...they were.... OH NEVER MIND!!!!!!!!! ;D

We apologize for the continued inconvenience but want to provide periodic updates. The Internet is still down for XXXXXX SV locations, this includes access to the Internet, the ability to send email to outside sources (including XXXXXX email addresses for European and Asian offices), and the ability to receive email from outside sources (vendors and customers). The effect of this unfortunately also causes problems for our XXXXXX remote offices to also include Internet, voice, and network access to common XXXXXXresources. We do not have an ETA from AT&T, however we are working closely with the AT&T technicians while they continue to troubleshoot this issue. We appreciate your patience and will keep you informed.

Kind regards,

Manager, Information Systems

AND...we were supposed to know this beacuse.....What?  There is a sectret carrier pigeon system i nthe network?  They sure have managed to kweep that on the down low!!!!!!!!!!!!Someting we are missing here!!!!!!!!!!!!HA HA HA HA HA...ROTFLMFAO
Title: Nuns Grading Papers
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 09, 2008, 03:20:58 PM
Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!
















































Title: Work-Virus WARNING!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 09, 2008, 03:29:58 PM
You have been warned!!
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes: Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 09, 2008, 03:56:30 PM

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you
would  be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."
Title: Smart Ass Answers
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 09, 2008, 05:08:54 PM
Smart Ass Answers


SMART ASS ANSWER -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"  The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


SMART ASS ANSWER -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked.. "Yes or no,"she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended  her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006-A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"  A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, what denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.  He never heard the shot....

Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 09, 2008, 05:52:18 PM

 A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the  weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after  her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and  the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs  himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs.  as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a k nock at the door
and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same  routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs  himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20  lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good  in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing  there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'
Title: One Doctor's philosophy
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 10, 2008, 04:00:12 PM
Love this Doctor!!!   

Q:   I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . . . Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q:  Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A:   You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of deliveri ng vegetables to your system. Need grain?  Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q:  Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A:   No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.  Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q:   How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A:  Well, if you have a body and you have fat   your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:   What are some of the advantagesof participating in a regular exercise program?

A:  Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is:   No Pain...Good!

Q:   Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A:  YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . .   Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?! 

Q:   Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A:  Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q:   Is chocolate bad for me?

A:  Are you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?

A:   If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

AND . . . . .

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutrit ional st udies.

1. The Japanese eat ve ry little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Title: Are you Crazy? SCT (Standardized Crazy Test)
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 12, 2008, 11:04:26 PM
Are you Crazy? SCT (Standardized Crazy Test)

1. If two people come up to you and ask you for the time, you:

A. Eat them
B. Eat their dog
C. Give them the time
D. Invoke Satan to eat them
E. Repetitively scream Gaelic curses

If you chose A, B, D or E you are Crazy!
If d. The prince of darkness is inside you.
If c. then you most likely own a watch.

2. Upon being asked are you crazy you respond:

A. No, I am not crazy
B. Yes, yes I am crazy
C. Roll your eyes and make a sound of emphatic disgust
D. What is Crazy? Craziness is defined as deviation from normality, an aberration so therefore crazy could be having a successful career where your *Ignore me, I am a weenie* boss isn't up your ass all damn day to come home to a f&#^$*@ family that will not mock and scorn at your solemnity and appreciate you as a person. Or a computer that will not break down every five minutes or a car or a McDonald's employee that will get the damn order correct. That is crazy! Is that crazy? Then you tear your hair on head out by the root and seek to destroy the world, as we know it.
E. By continuing to knit sweaters for your pet cockroach

If you answered B. then you are crazy

3. If your cat begins to speak to you in tongues, you:

A. Run for your life.
B. Bash it over the head with the largest object in the immediate vicinity.
C. Give it catnip and a little toy.
D. Respond with various demonic speech of your own and continue about your business.
E. Take it to your friendly local veterinarian.

Whether you chose A, B, C, D or e does not matter. If your cat is talking to you at all you're definitely Crazy!

4. In your baggage, airport security will most likely find:

A. A body
B. Half a body with teeth marks unassailably galvanizingly similar to your own
C. Flaming skulls clog dancing
D. A goose
E. Half a goose with some of your teeth still attached to it. See answer b.

Only test at home kids.

This test was fabricated by a monkey with an inconveniently oversized brain.
It must not be taken seriously. Even though if you are reading this you probably are somewhat clinically psychotic and you best get cat nip for your cat or it may not talk to you anymore. Satan compels you.

P.S. Don't smoke crack...with a spoon

5. Konishika ash a nono la faka la ba ma nashetala ka?

A. What?
B. Yes I would like some cookies.
C. Shut up!
D. Nami fee I go KO no by la sha Rae DA
E. Yo mamma

If this test is still making any sense you are Crazy!

6. What would you like for a snack?

A. Chicken butt
B. Irish feet
C. Hot smoking coals
D. Long stretchy pieces of sun burned skin and mountain dew
E. Angel's wings

If you chose skin and mountain dew you are Crazy! Mountain dew? Eeooow yuck.

7. If you had one wish you would wish for:

A. Mountain dew
B. A truck of bird poo
C. Poo on you
D. Slimy squid tentacles wrapped in a thick gooey layer of mucus.
E. Service from verizon wireless

Eeeeeeoooow yuck verizon wireless.

8. If you could go to any "when" you would go:

A. To the future
B. To the past
C. When verizon wireless collapses
D. When verizon wireless collapses onto mountain dew
E. A few minutes ago when I was not reading this.

If you chose "E" you are quite smart. If "D" then you are brilliant. If "C" then you must be hoping mountain dew collapses onto verizon wireless, I understand. Any other answer is unacceptable! UNACCEPTABLE!!

You should stop reading this now. I will keep writing but it would be to your best interest for you to stop. Immediately. Before any more detrimental blows are dealt to your brain.

Decided to stay, you are crazy!

9. Do you have any bad habits, do you...

A. Bite your nails
B. Bite your feet
C. Bite other peoples' feet
D. Fortuitously invoke Satan to join you in delightful feet biting excavations.
E. Smoke crack with a spoon

There is a simple and easy solution to end all these officious pesky annoying little things that you do. You just stop doing them (put the Twinkie down get the feet out of the mouth) get up and go to the couch for some TV and junk food, you lazy bastard.

Or if you are too lazy even to not do something (you lazy bastard) then there is another alternative for lazy bastards just like you.

You have what is generally known as L.A.B.S. syndrome (lazy ass bastard syndrome) found through years of observation and experimentation. By "generally known", I mean known to me, and by "concocted through experiment and observation", I mean just now made in my head.

You could....

A. Stop doing them
B. Keep doing them so much that you stop
C. Put a small firearm to the side of your head and....
D. Get a donkey a saddle and ride around in circles for thirty minutes.
E. Repeat step d. when necessary as many times as necessary.

Time to add up your score.

10. How many times where you confused?

A. Never
B. Once
D. What?
E. Where are my cookies?

Do you still like Verizon wireless?

What about mountain dew? Crazy lazy bastard!

Add the times you got angry to the amps of volume of your stereo and the brightness of your television divide by the color of your skin and do a little dance.

You have been officially admitted to the board of the crazies.

You may keep dancing if you like.


A small robot has been designed for you and should fit snuggly inside the left side of your brain. Another should be collecting all the spoons from your house and replacing them with mind control cookies. Or just normal cookies.

Enjoy the cookies. He..He..He...!!!
Title: LMAO-A Job With A Behavioral Attributes Requirement
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 13, 2008, 11:41:08 PM
I so love these jobs sent bt Alabama Power....I troubleshoot their systems often....Scroll down and I swear this is the ONLY COMPANY with a BEHAVIORAL ATTRIBUTES REQUIREMENT....LOL

APC0308035 -- Environmental Affairs Specialist/Chemist-- Quality Control Dept (Calera, Alabama- just south of Birmingham)
Company: Alabama Power Company

Environmental Affairs Specialist/Chemist -- Quality Control Dept.
Location: Calera, Alabama (just south of Birmingham)


This positions provides the opportunity to perform quality control functions associated with the various laboratory programs.  This includes sample receipt, tracking, validation, and reporting; sample kit preparation; monitoring of applicable regulations governing laboratory analysis; and laboratory procedure auditing.



Education Requirements:

Bachelors or Masters of Science in Chemistry, Environmental Science or Laboratory Technology is required or must obtain by May 2008. Course of study ACS approved.


Experience Requirements:

1 year of analytical laboratory experience preferred but open to considering a new graduate (May 2008); some quality control experience, especially in the environmental field is preferred


Knowledge, Skills & Abilities:

Knowledge of water chemistry

Knowledge of quality control techniques

Excellent communications skills, both written and oral

Good computer skills with ability to use Microsoft Access and Excel

Knowledge of State, Local, and Federal Environmental Laws governing drinking water, wastewater, and hazardous waste monitoring.


Behavioral Attributes:

Southern Style Behaviors (unquestionable trust, total committment, superior performance) including excellent customer relations


Alabama Power, a subsidiary of Southern Company, is an electric energy provider recognized for its quality, reliability, competitive prices and economic-development efforts.

Title: General Ways to Annoy People-ONLY FOR EXPERTS!!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 14, 2008, 11:42:12 PM
General Ways to Annoy People

Accuse people of "glue sniffing addictions" in public.
Add blank entries to a list, to make it look like it's longer.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles.
Announce when you're going to the bathroom.
Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!".
Any time a member of the opposite sex tries to talk to you, hold your hand up to prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you."
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. Then eat raw potatoes.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
As people talk, smell their shoulders.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
Ask people what gender they are.
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!"
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you."
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."
Be "in conference" all the time.
Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"
Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways.
Bring 15 things into the dressing room.
Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is "Just better quality"
Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
Buy it, wear it, return it.
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Call every girl you know "dude".
Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonalds.
Call everyone a communist.
Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
Call other people "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as "Coach."
Call someone and ask for someone that you know is not there then hang up. Call again about a half hour latter and ask for the same person then hang up again. Wait another half hour and call again and ask for that person again and then hang up again and wait a hour and call the same number and say that you are the person that you have been calling for and ask if you had any messages.
Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."
Call your neighbors collect.
Change Channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Chew on pens/pncils that you've borrowed.
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Claim you are fluent in over 6 million forms of communication - constantly, every time any language is mentioned, even if the comment is not directed to you
Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.
Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.
Close your eyes and start snoring whenever anyone tries to talk to you.
Consistently refer to everyone as 'mortal.'
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.
Continually try to get all of the people who write you letters to put cellophane tape over their stamps so that you can wipe off the postmark and reuse them.
Continue to ask someone, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.
Continuously mumble during a conversation.
Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough air in there?"
Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa.
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Develop strategies for cutting into the front of lines.
Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Don't clean the dryer lint screen.
Don't leave a message at the beep, just hangup.
Don't rewind videocassettes before bringing them back.
Don't stand during hymns and anthems.
dont use any punctuation
Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.
Draw mustaches on posters.
Dress like a "High-class rich person" and wash windows at random street corners.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Drive half a block.
Drum on every available surface.
Drum your fingers during other people's presentations.
Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet.
Eat produce at the market; don't buy it.
E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren't actually there.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
Every time you see a particular coworker, shout, "So we meet again!" and laugh evilly.
Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.
Face the back when standing in an elevator.
Fart in cramped places.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".
Finish other people's crossword puzzles
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Flirt with a friend's spouse, lick your lips slowly, wink, etc.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel.
Force everyone to remove their shoes when they enter your office "to prevent contamination."
Forget the pooper scooper.
“Forget” the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Frantically change the date on people's computers back 50 years, and claim that you are trying to save humanity from the "Year 2000 Bug."
Get to know a friends bookie and place bets for them. Insist on keeping half of any money they win.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
Give little kids clothes for their birthdays
Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.
Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"
Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in buying shoes and leave.
Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper.
Go up the down escalator.
Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.
Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town.
Hang around national monuments all day, trying to get in other people's vacation photos. Afterwards, give them your address and ask them to send you a print when they get them developed.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
Hold the elevator until you have finished your conversation.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
In an office, lock all the doors behind you.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
Insist on buying airplane tickets for friends to "save them money." Make sure the plane departs at 5AM and the tickets are non-refundable. Point out that you didn't really save them any money.
Insist on giving weather forecasts in public. Claim to be AMS certified.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.
Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.
Insist that your e-mail address be
Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads.
Leave pages in the copier.
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April.
Leave the toilet seat up
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Leave your Metallica CD in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Leave your pantyhose hanging in the shower.
Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the parking lot.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Let doors slam behind you -- in other people's faces.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Lie to your therapist.
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!"
Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Make scary faces at babies.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." (Hmmm, I guess our President has already co-opted this idea!)
Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.
Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else's)
Mow your lawn with scissors.
Name your dog "Dog."
Never break eye contact.
Never make eye contact.
Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.
On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.
On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.
On buses, attempt to convince the driver to take a really cool short-cut you know. Barter and haggle for your fare.
On the public bus, keep asking the driver nervously, "are we there yet?"
only type in lowercase.
Open umbrellas in crowded hallways.
Order a pizza and ask them if they can "please put the crust on top this time" in an exasperated voice.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Outloud say "What?" and then answer "Never mind. It's gone now."
Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Pay tolls with $100 bills
Pee in the swimming pool.
Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.
Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one you want.
Place your shoes on the table.
Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!
Plead with the person next to you for the window seat on the plane, and then get up fifteen or twenty times during the course of the flight complaining that you should have taken two spoonsful of "The Pink Stuff".
Poke anyone near you and say, "stop violating my personal space."
Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are "just reorganizing things."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Practice the art of limp handshakes
Press the "power" button on on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely, claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment.
Pretend you are invisible.
Pretend you have gone completely deaf.
Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.
Pretend you're listening.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of FBI copyright warnings.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Put everyone on speakerphone.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
Race the old woman for the last bus seat.
Rain on someone's parade.
Read over other people's shoulders on the bus.
Rearrange the keys on associates' keyboards to spell unflattering things about their mothers.
Recite every song from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy.
Recite Shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet.
Recite the first 100 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.
Remove single socks from laundry machines at public laundromats. Replace them bright red scarves which are especially prone to bleeding.
Repeat everything someone says as a question.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Ride a unicycle to work.
Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic; then cut in.
Run around holding your elbows and asking people to please take the straightjacket off you.
Run through the halls of your office building or school with your arms outstretched, making airplane noises. Periodically crash into pedestrians and lose a wing. Spiral to a crash and repeat.
Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.
Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural."
See if you can be the first one off the plane, even if you are sitting by the window.
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your agency's programs. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Send emails to listserv when nobody else can
Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like "If you don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly" and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle.
Serve corn on the cob to people with dentures.
Serve TV dinners, wine coolers, and Twinkies on Thanksgiving.
Set alarms for random times.
Shake with your left hand.
Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Sing along at the opera.
Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team.
Slap people and tell them to stop grabbing your ass.
Smell smoke often and announce it.
Snap your gum.
Sniffle incessantly.
Speak in a strong Welsh accent.
Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your "free" refills.
Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2.
Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor's lawn.
Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while you're at it, leave the cap off.
Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
Start to build a Star Destroyer. Build a mock-up out of popsicle sticks.
Step on the back of the shoe of the person in front of you.
Step on the heels of the person in front of you, and ask them to watch where they're going.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Surprise old friend's by visiting them at 3AM "to discuss old times".
Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's.
Tailgate the elderly.
Take more than 10 items to the express checkout lane
Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's house.
Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.
Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly.
Tape a blank piece of typing paper to your dorm or office door and leave it up for ages; when someone finally writes on it, yell at them and tell them to please not deface your property.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.
Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin.
Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus.
Tell people that they're "putting on weight nicely."
Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweatpants.
Tell people they have bad breath.
Tell small children that they don't look very promising.
Tell teenagers how things were in your day.
Tell the ending of movies
Throw an Oh Henry in a public pool.
Throw newspapers back at paperboys.
Throw stones at people walking past your house.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Touch strangers.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.
Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band.
Use the last square of toilet paper and do not change the roll.
Vacuum your lawn. (Or preferably somebody else's)
Wait until you get to work to shave.
Walk around at the casino, looking at people's hands and giving them advice loudly. "Wow, that's a GOOD one!" or "Get rid of the nine; you've got a pair of kings!"
Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.
Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"
Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.
Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant.
Walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you, move in front of them when the try.
Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
Wear a lot\of cologne.
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Wear alarming combinations of pink and green and comment about everybody else's fashion sense.
Wear large hats during the movies.
Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.
Wear odd shoes.
Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.
Wear your pants backwards.
When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining.
When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card. (This works best if there's a line.)
When at dinner at a fancy restaurant, keep blowing out the candle in the middle of the table, and blame it on your date.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
When giving directions, leave out a turn or two.
When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.
When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."
When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off.
When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.
When it says, "Reserved Parking", this means you.
When people ask you to do things, mutter under your breath, "This won't be neccessary where you are going."
When riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, “Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?”
When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."
When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.
When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.
When walking, talk to yourself constantly.
When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!".
Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."
Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke.
Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.
Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?"
Whenever someone lights a cigarette, tackle the person and yell "Stop, drop, and roll!"
While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.
While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" for no apparent reason.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive and put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
While walking make car noises loudly (Such as changing gears).
Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Title: Annoying Things To Say To Other People-For Satan's Crafty Little Minions ONLY!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 14, 2008, 11:50:32 PM
Annoying Things To Say To Other People

Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!
I work for the IRS.
Have you ever tried cat meat?
I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.
I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!
The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!
I puked on the last person who flew next to me.
My butt reeeally itches!
Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!
My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.
The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.
Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?
Wanna see my tonsils? I keep them in a jar.
I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?
The doctors say that my eighth personality is the least dangerous.
Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!
Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!
Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not!
This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.
Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!
If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up.
Wanna buy a gerbil?
Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right behind the Savior David!
Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off.
Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the border!
I've just been treated for tapeworms.
Don Knotts is my favorite actor!
I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.
The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago.
Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?
I collect aluminum foil.
Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!
I work in a landfill.
I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience.
I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!
I work on a Japanese whaling ship.
We're planning on leaving our bodies and meeting with the mother ship next Tuesday -- wanna come?

Title: Methods of Mathematical Proof
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 15, 2008, 11:06:07 PM
Methods of Mathematical Proof

Proof by obviousness
"The proof is so clear that it need not be mentioned."

Proof by general agreement
"All in favor?..."

Proof by imagination
"Well, we'll pretend it's true..."

Proof by convenience
"It would be very nice if it were true, so..."

Proof by necessity
"It had better be true, or the entire structure of mathematics would crumble to the ground."

Proof by plausibility
"It sounds good, so it must be true."

Proof by intimidation
"Don't be stupid; of course it's true."

Proof by lack of sufficient time
"Because of the time constraint, I'll leave the proof to you."

Proof by postponement
"The proof for this is long and arduous, so it is given in the appendix."

Proof by accident
"Hey, what have we here?!"

Proof by insignificance
"Who really cares, anyway?"

Proof by profanity
**** **** **** **** QEf***ingD

Proof by definition
"We define it to be true."

Proof by tautology
'It's true because it's true."

Proof by plagiarism
"As we see on page 289..."

Proof by lost reference
"I know I saw it somewhere..."

Proof by calculus
"This proof requires calculus, so we'll skip it."

Proof by terror
When intimidation fails ...

Proof by lack of interest
"Does anyone really want to see this?"

Proof by illegibility
(scribble, scribble) QED

Proof by logic
"If it is on the problem sheet, then it must be true!"

Proof by majority rule
Only to be used if general agreement is impossible.

Proof by clever variable choice
"Let A be the number such that this proof works..."

Proof by tessellation
"This proof is the same as the last."

Proof by divine word
"And the Lord said, 'Let it be true,' and it was true."

Proof by stubbornness
"I don't care what you say-it is true!"

Proof by simplification
"This proof reduces to the statement 1 + 1 = 2."

Proof by hasty generalization
"Well, it works for 17, so it works for all reals."

Proof by deception
"Now everyone turn their backs..."

Proof by supplication
"Oh please, let it be true."

Proof by poor analogy
"Well, it's just like..."

Proof by avoidance
Limit of proof by postponement as it approaches infinity.

Proof by design
If it's not true in today's math, invent a new system in which it is.

Proof by authority
"Well, Don Knuth says it's true, so it must be!"

Proof by intuition
"I just have this gut feeling..."
Title: Various Defintions of PhD
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 15, 2008, 11:07:41 PM
PhD MEans...
* Patiently hoping for a Degree
* Piled higher and Deeper
(after BS = Bullsh..., MS = More of the Same...)
* Professorship? hah! Dream on!
* Please hire. Desperate.
* Physiologically Deficient
* Pour him (or her) a Drink
* Philosophically Disturbed
* Probably headed for Divorce
* Pathetically hopeless Dweeb
* Probably heavily in Debt
* Parents have Doubts
* Professors had Doubts
* Pheromone Deprived
* Probably hard to Describe
* Patiently headed Downhill...
* Permanent head Damage
* Pulsating heaving Disaster?
* Pretty homely Dork
* Potential heavy Drinker
* Professional hamburger Dispenser... "Would you like fries with that?"
* Post hole Digger
* Professional hair Dresser
* Piano hauling Done
* Pizza hut Driver
* Pretty heavily Depressed
* Prozac handouts Desired
* Pretty heavy Diploma
* Phinally Done !!
Title: Physics Product Warnings
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 15, 2008, 11:11:31 PM
Physics Product Warning s

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force
Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the
Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million
Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged
Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for
the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is
and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its
Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including
Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any
Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of
the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May
Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No
Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will
Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a
"Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power
Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999%
Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is TenDimensional. However, the Consumer Is
Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to
Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into
Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is
Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only
in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons,
etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect
as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the
Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This
Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should
Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That
Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
Title: LOL LOL-The Solution-I Have Done This!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 15, 2008, 11:15:03 PM

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid "A". They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends.

They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.

Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.

The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved. At the final, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy."

The next problem was worth 95 Points. It asked: "Which tire?"

Title: TEXAS
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 15, 2008, 11:27:23 PM
This is from all my best friends in Texas....They have a different slant on things...LOL


* You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

* You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

* You can make instant sun tea.

* You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

* The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly...

* You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

* You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

* You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

* Hot water now comes out of both taps.

* It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

* You actually burn your hand opening the car door...

* You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

* No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning...

* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.


* The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

* The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

* Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.


* The cows are giving evaporated milk.

* The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

* A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."


* A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, we got 'bout two and a half inches of that." 
Title: The Banana Test
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 16, 2008, 10:57:45 AM
The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall Palm tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. 

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana of the tree.

Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year
Title: A Woman's Mind!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 16, 2008, 04:37:12 PM
A Woman's Mind

Transparent, structured & easy-to-understand explanation of how the female mind works!
Title: Blonde Deodorant-LMAO!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 16, 2008, 04:39:40 PM
Blonde Deodorant

A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, “One moment please, I will get the chemist.”

The chemist looks at the blonde and says, “Can I help you miss?”

“I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please,” says the blonde.

“I'm sorry,” says the chemist, “we don't have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?”

“Yes!” said the blonde, “I'll go home and get it.”

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the her, “This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant.”

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”

Title: Einsteinium-with Class and Stylin'
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 16, 2008, 07:11:35 PM
Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.

"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?''

So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer

"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"
Title: Follow My Directions
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 16, 2008, 07:13:25 PM
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Title: Computers: Male or Female?
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 16, 2008, 07:20:28 PM
Reasons to Believe Computers are Male

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

A better model is right around the corner.

They look attractive -- until you take them home.

Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

Reasons to Believe Computers are Female

No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory.

The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.

The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know what is wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Title: Types of Students-So Which Type are YOU!!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 18, 2008, 06:30:01 PM
The Over Achiever - We all know this one.

The Comedian - One of these in every class; some good, some bad. If you're lucky, you'll get the good kind. If you have no such good fortune, you'll get a guy who badly copies Letterman one-liners and of course, asks terrible jokes of his 'own', ala: "Ever notice how Greenland is icy and Iceland is green?" Terrible, terrible, terrible.

The Girl With the Weird Name - Ya know this one.. first day of class, professor is calling roll.. he says "Z-.." and looks up with a puzzled expression, and some girl red in the face says, "Zaprena", or something to that effect.

The Gothic - Wears a black trenchcoat, has black hair, paints his fingernails black. You'd think he wants to be black, but really he just wants to be dead!

The Quiet Girl - Never talks, probably masquerades as a superhero on weekends.

The Guy on the Cell Phone - Self Explanatory, frequents all walks of life.

The Challenger - Challenges every point made in class. Just like the doomed space shuttle, when something goes wrong, he blows up.

The Feminazi - Hates men, Advocate for female equality.

The Born Again and Again and Again Christian - Can be male or female. Stands outside right before every class passing out fliers for his or her religious student center. Makes stance on Abortion, the Vatican, and the rival denomination known. The fliers make good paper airplanes, but that just doesn't seem to impress chicks at the college level.

The Really Nice Guy/Girl - Patient, tolerant, open, sympathetic and friendly, this guy/girl seems to have the saintly qualities of Mother Teresa. Available to talk at any time, about anything, they are incapable of anger or frustration, to the point that their warmth and patience seem over-done. At times they can seem to be "too perfect", but you can't help admire the effort they make for others.

The Environmental Protestor - Global warming, saving whales, caging animals, keeping the world "green", globalisation. An environmental fanatic, this vegan has been to every protest held within the last ten years. Their stationery is covered with the classic "Meat is MURDER", "No More Nukes", "Greenpeace" and "Free Mother Earth" stickers. They converse mainly with like-minded types, and mostly about "the rape of the planet". More than likely, this individual will own and use a motor vehicle and shop at multinationally owned stores, and will preach their green gospel to anyone who'll give them the time of day.

The Under Achiever - Gotta love this one. Just sits in the very VERY back of the class and appears to be zoned out the whole time.

The Apathetic Upperclassmen - Usually come in pairs, two seniors or juniors who just want to pass with a D and proceed to cut up for a large amount of the class.

The Horny Boyfriend/Girlfriend Pair - These two sit together, usually with the guy right behind the girl, and the guy proceeds to poke and tickle the girl during the whole class.

The Intruder - The guy that sits next to the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Pair and attempts to get in on the action. This guy's usually a loser.

The Zealot - This guy has an intellectual orgasm everytime he catches the professor in a slight mistake. Takes the class way too seriously; as if he'll get crucified if he doesn't get an A. Thinks he's a Chemical Engineer in 4300 Calculus when he's probably a Communication major and he's in freshman level math.

The Homosexual - Simple enough.. but there are two kinds. One keeps to himself, the other attempts to use the class as a platform to propagate his homosexuality and such.

The Lesbian - Same as #17, but 'herself' and 'her' for 'himself' and 'his'.

The Lesbian Couple - Every guy's dream.

The Homosexual Couple - Every guy's nightmare.

The Future Attorney - Argues every point made in class to the point where everyone starts throwing books at him.

The Addict - Starts fiending and shaking, usually for cigarettes but sometimes for harder drugs, halfway through class.

The Retro Jock - This guy wears his letterjacket from high school football to class everyday, even in 90 Degree Weather; can't seem to let go of high school.

Theater Queen - Aspires to be on Broadway someday; Auditions for every school play and lands every lead role but never realizes there's no one in the audience. Speaks in a melodramtic, emphatic voice, hoping a Theater King (Who doesn't exist) will notice her.

The Beauty Queen - Walks, talks, acts, and dresses like a slut, without concern for rain nor temperature. Can be cool in winter weather because the cold makes the nipples stand at attention. Not that I notice that or anything though.

The Guy Who Just Woke Up and Rolled Out of Bed - Shows up 5 minutes late to class in the clothes he wore last night. Sleeps through the class.

Annoying Older-Than-Average Student - There is always some 50+ year old person who comes to class with either a briefcase or a some sort of macrom`ed bag, is ultra-organized, brings a casette recorder to lectures, and feels a sense of equality with the instructor because of their closeness in age. This person tends to think that each lecture is his or her own conversation with the instructor and robs the other students of their time and tuition money.

The guy who shoots down everyone's ideas just because he knows that when people have confidence in themselves, they start making their shitty ideas known more often.

The Cro-Magnon Guy - This guy stopped caring about what people thought of him a LONG time ago. Dressing in whatever clothes are closest at hand, this character will wander the campus between classes, repelling at close range with his grimy, unwashed stench and lice-ridden hair, while revolting at a distance with antics that closely resemble the preening activities of primates.

The Creepy, Clinging Guy - This guy has always struggled for friends in spite of his endless efforts to make them. Any notice you take of him is something he gladly looks for, and if you show even the slightest recognition of his presence, you will automatically be identified as a friend, with a view to being a best friend. He exudes a "creepiness" which seems to come from the sheer desperation with which he undertakes to find a friend who'll abide his "clingy" nature.

The Guy You Love To Hate - There doesn't seem to be any identifiable reason why you dislike this guy, but he seems to possess an aura, a quality about himself that you can't stand. Despite your efforts to rationalize your dislike this guy, and a brief attempt to even LIKE him, you find yourself repulsed by some unseen force. This guy is mocked and teased by everyone, a pariah that you pity, but only from a distance.

The Debater - This character is annoying at best. They will involve themselves in an argument with anyone about anything until they feel they've either won a point, or until their opposition concedes, either out of boredom or yield to their undying argumentative energy. There is no topic/theme too small for a debate. In fact, the more pedantic the debate, the more tenacity with which they put forth their point of view. Tend to befriend like-minded debaters and spend much of their time arguing about the most childish of things. These characters tend to excel at public speaking and drama.

Attention whores - They're one of the few cases in which the male version is worse than the female.

On Edge Dude - This is the dude that always comes racing into class just as it's about to begin, sweating like he's just run a freakin marathon. He sits through the whole class with one leg bobbing up and down like he can't wait for class to be over with. He bolts right as class ends. On Edge Dude is the guy who is always described by others like this: "I don't know anything about that guy, but he's really wierd". On Edge Dude seems like a serial murderer waiting to happen.

The Old Dude - The old dudes always struggle because after years of working in a factory, they want to go back to college to get the degree again. They always talk to people like they know what they're saying, but they don't since they haven't had any use for school work in 25 years. They either try to become friends with the teacher or hit on the ugly chick that no one else is desperate enough to hit on.

Stress Girl - Ya know this kind.. Overstresses on every paltry assignment to the point of insanity.

The Perpetually Stoned Dude - This guy is such a staple on college campus that he's always represented in any college movie.

The Guy Who Got Here From Prep School - This guy went to a ritzy private school and you didn't. The funny thing is, you both ended up at the same college, but in his universe he still has the right to look down his nose at you. He also thinks that the looks he's getting from girls are admiration for the cut of his sweater, but really it's revulsion.

The Pimp Masta' - This character thinks college is only for picking up bitches. The good news: He'll be gone by next semester. The bad news: Some other idiot with the same idea will replace him.

The Sheltered Child - This is the one whose parents didn't want them exposed to any bad stuff. They've never gotten drunk, or high, or had sex, and frankly they don't want to. They are also the ones who inevitably end up drunk, dead, or knocked up at a fraternity party.

The Dorm Animal - This character is at every dorm party, hangs out in everyone else's dorm room 24/7, and usually can tell you exactly who on campus has drugs/television/cliff notes. Everyone on campus knows him. Nobody, however, can actually remember seeing him in a class.

The Advocate - This character has a cause. The secret to defeating the Advocate is to listen politely for 20 seconds, request whatever material he or she may be handing out, and mumble agreement. If you attempt to walk on by, you will be followed and forced to endure a lengthy diatribe about "the cause". Never, under any circumstances, attempt to engage an advocate in debate about "the cause" because you will never, ever, ever convince them that their viewpoint is wrong and you will be late for your class that starts sometime next week. Potential counterploy: If an advocate is persistent, and of the same sex as you, you can stop them dead by asking them if they would like to continue this discussion over a candelit dinner at your place. Should not be used on gay rights advocates unless that's your thing.

The Somewhat Confused Ex-Goth - The SCEG doesn't know what to do. She gets off on being "out" of the popular crowd, but has discovered that here at college she's below-average on the wierd scale. And everyone who's less wierd is in a sorority now, so she has no clue how to behave. Not being hated by the general masses is confusing, and so she sort of hangs out on dorm room steps waiting for someone to give her s#*$, but nobody ever does because at least 25% of the people on campus are exactly the same.

The Depressed Guy Who's Going To Drop Out Before The End of the Semester

The Foreign Exchange Student

The Girl Who Thinks People Care

The Fat Girl

The Oppressed Minority

Fraternity guys

Sorority girls


Involved with everything guy

Those damn girls that jump on their cell phone the second class is over. I swear to god I step out the door from class and 15 girls are yacking away to their boyfriend that they love so very much who is probably with another girl.

Oh yeah, and for college parties there are these types:
The Kegstand King
The Recluse
The Cigarette Bum
The Sneak - Sneaks his way into getting at least one hit of every joint/bowl smoked at a party, sometimes with promises of future repayment.
The Underage Kid - runs away when the campus police come.
The Innocent Girl - doesn't stay innocent for long

Title: Tips On Building A Resume
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 18, 2008, 06:41:30 PM
Tips On Building A Resume

Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for
dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get
you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus

THE NAME: Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit.
Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that
might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards"
O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.

THE ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead!
Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails.
Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!

THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip it. What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000
to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate
somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never
put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some
interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.

THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You know
what I mean:"Seeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art
technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is
doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell
them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my
dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes
every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in
the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way
into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off
40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low-
paying, dead-end, back-office position."

EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where
you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe
side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a
prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list
under your education credits: "BA in Watersports Administration,
Massatucky State, 1993... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear
Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."

EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience.
But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational
database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system...
Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience:
high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So
if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies.
Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience
you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food
Giant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-
code inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for
graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much
Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-
availability multimedia environment." Most employers can pick that
one off as watching too much MTV.

THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request?" What kind of power-
close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation:
Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll
remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know
where you live." 
Title: Letters Of Recommendation
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 18, 2008, 06:46:27 PM
Letters Of Recommendation

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Doesn't suffer fools gladly: Rude and abrasive.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand solitary
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinion
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
Title: Best of Blonde Inventions
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 19, 2008, 11:18:44 PM
Blonde Inventions
1) The water-proof towel

2) Solar powered flashlight

3) Submarine screen door

4) A book on how to read

5) Inflatable dart board

6) A dictionary index

7) Ejector seat in a helicopter

8) Powdered water

9) Pedal-powered wheel chair

10) Water-proof tea bag
Title: Scientific Phrases
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 21, 2008, 02:14:21 PM
Scientific Phrases

"It has long been known" - I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident" - These data are practically meaningless.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" - An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" - The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown" - 1 This is the prettiest graph. 2 The best results are shown.

"These results will be in a subsequent report" - I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"In my experience" - Once.

"In case after case" - Twice.

"In a series of cases" - Thrice.

"It is believed that" - I think.

"It is generally believed that" - A couple of others think so, too.

"Correct within an order of magnitude" - Wrong.

"According to statistical analysis" - Rumor has it.

"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings" - A wild guess.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data" - Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs" - 1 I don't understand it. 2 I need more grant money. 3 I can get at least one more paper out of this.

"After additional study by my colleagues" - They don't understand it either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" - Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A highly significant area for exploratory study" - A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"Accidentally stained during mounting" - Accidentally dropped on the floor.

"Handled with extreme care during the experiments" - Not dropped on the floor.

"Presumably at longer times" - I didn't take the time to find out.

"The best values were those of Jones" - He was a student of mine.

"It might be argued that" - I have such a good answer for this objection that I want to be sure I get to use it.

"This paper will omit a review of the more recent literature in favor of" - I don't know if anything has been written on this since my dissertation.

"Various authorities agree" - I overheard this in the hall.

"It is suggested that" - I wonder if...

"The implications are clear." - The implications are not clear (or I would have specified what they are).

"It was observed that" - One of my students noticed that.

"No discussion would be complete without reference to the contributions of" - I need another footnote on this page.

"Of great theoretical and practical importance" - Of interest to me"

"This research has left many questions unanswered." - I didn't find anything of significance.

"This finding has not yet been incorporated into general theory" - Perhaps my next graduate student will make sense of it.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" - I quit.

Title: Real Life is Often Funnier Than Fiction
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 23, 2008, 02:44:00 PM
Stories for the Missouri News!!!!!

The Oreo Defense Used in Conn. Speeding Case .  The driver, Vonkummer, told the trooper that an Oreo had just slipped from his fingers as he dunked it in a cup of milk, and that he was trying to fish it out when he lost control of his car.  Prosecutors learned in court this week that Vonkummer had been charged with speeding and driving under a suspended license — not driving under the influence, as a clerk had mistakenly noted in the court records.  Blame it on the Oreo!!
Home bipolar disorder test causes stirs  ...  SAN DIEGO - Dr. John Kelsoe has spent his career trying to identify the biological roots of bipolar disorder. In December, he announced he had discovered several gene mutations closely tied to the disease, also known as manic depression.  When Kelsoe, a prominent psychiatric geneticist at the University of California, San Diego, did something provocative for the buttoned-down world of academic medical research: He began selling bipolar genetic tests straight to the public over the Internet last month for $399.

More...IN THE NEWS:   After searching the residence and storage shed of a man they had just arrested, police found 1,500 pairs of shoes.  The shoes had been taken from two or three high schools.  The man takes shoes because he likes to "smell them"....yucko.  I have to wonder, does he take shoes because of their availability instead of socks which would have a "lovely" fragrance, too?  Now, the article didn't say if this seriously disturbed man just took girl's shoes or he hit the boys locker room, too.  Now, I've heard of fetishes, but this is taking it way over the edge.  Bet this Bozo would be a "panty sniffer" if given the opportunity.  We could run a donation charity event for this guy, begging women for their dirty underwear.   My dogs would be disappointed.  Then, he wouldn't have to break the law to satisfy his "yen".  I wonder if we could just pack the dirty underwear all together in a box or if we would need to bag them individually in Ziplock Sandwich baggies.....wonder if he would like a particular style?  Granny panties would prob be OUT, so my underwear is safe.....after we git the donation box organized how ever the best way is going to be to do it, then we could throw in a couple pair of well used tennis shoes and some gamey socks for dessert.....

The Japanese and their technology.  They have invented a robot with a synthetic face.  This face shows emotions associated with specific words and words that are similar.  They had a pic of the face showing "joy" at the word "love".  Looked more like pain to me, than "joy".  The title to the article was Japanese Robot loves Sushi hates President.    This is the first line to the article:  "Kansei (means sensibility) frowns when he hears the word "bomb," smiles at "sushi" and looks scared and disgusted when someone says "president" -- and he isn't even human"
The article goes on to say:  "The robot has 19 movable parts underneath the silicone face mask. When the robot hears the word "president," the online database picks up associated words such as "Bush," "war" and "Iraq" and creates an expression which the researchers said is meant to mix fear and disgust."
I don't like living in a country where our president is so universally hated and that includes a huge majority within BOTH parties of the US.....however, I wouldn't want to live any other place....we'll be shed of him in a couple years.   The next president (Democrat, of course) is going to have a lot to do in, hopefully, two terms to fix what Bush screwed up and THEN to implement programs for the good of the US citizens and worldwide.
"Can you identify those panties, Ma'am?"...Was the title of another article that definitely caught my eye.  Some thief from around a college has stolen $6,000 worth of panties from individuals.  The cops have apprehended a suspect, of the Asian variety, and taken pics of the panties which they show women to see if they can identify them.  However, the women can't git their underwear back until the thief is prosecuted....If found guilty is he going to have to walk around New York "square" wearing panties on his head....wear a shirt made from them?  Wear the panties in the proper area....without jock strap?  My imagination soars...
Florida, just one section of it, is being over run by a breed of an African rat that gits as big as a cat.  It weighs from six to nine pounds and has a pouch like a kangaroo.  The powers that be are going to try to put out a lot of poison to kill them.  These huge rats provide a very real prob for the eco-systems and they are nasty dirty.  Wait until you hear how this strain of rat, no other place in the US, got started.  It all started in one house in the area.  A man had smuggled some of the rats into the US, they are illegal, and had been breeding....I guess he got tired of it and turned them loose....and you KNOW how rodents prolifically breed!   Worse than rabbits!!!

Title: Guide To Southern Talk
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 24, 2008, 05:11:29 PM
And this is accurate and correct and has been added to my vocabulary per my 5.5 years in Texas:

Guide To Southern Talk

The Southern vocabulary is similar to the rest of the Nation's - it only sounds different. The following is a sample to help all Yankees, in hope that it will teach them how to talk right.

Ah - The things you see with.

Aig - Which came first, the chicken or the aig?

Arn - An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.

Ay-rab - The people who inhabit much of North Africa.

Bawl - What water does.

Bidness - The art of selling something for more than you paid for it.

Bobbycue - A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw, and a fiery sauce.

Bud - Small feathered creature that flies.

Cheer - A piece of furniture used for sitting.

Chekatawfarya - Heard at service stations in small

Southern towns.

Co-Cola - Soft drink.

Crine - Weeping.

Dawfins - Name of the professional football team in


Daints - A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the south of music.

Doc - A condition caused by the absence of light.

Etlanna - The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence.

Everthang - All-encompassing.

Far - A state of combustion that produces heat and light.

Foller - Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this.

Git - To acquire.

Goff- A game played with clubs and a little white ball.

Gull - A young female.

Hale - Where General Sherman went for what he did to Etlanna.

Hep - To aid or benefit.

Idinit - "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

Keer - To be concerned.

Lieberry - A building containing thousands of literary works.

Moanin - Between daybreak and noon.

Motuhsickle - A two-wheeled missile with a powerful engine.

Munts - The 12 units into which the calendar year is divided.

Nawth - Any part of the country outside of the South.

Nekkid - To be unclothed.

Ovair - In that direction.

Own - Instead of awf.

Phrasin - Very cold.

Pitcher - An image, either drawn or photographed.

Sebmup - Soft drink similar to ginger ale.

Show - "It show is hot today."

Spearmint - Something scientist do.

Stow - Place where things are sold.

Tal - What you dry off with after you take a share.

Tar - Round inflatable object that sometimes goes flat.

Uhmukin - Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka.

Zackly - Precisely. 
Title: Types Of Cows
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 27, 2008, 11:06:43 PM
Types Of Cows

Two Cows (A comparative study of Governments and Religions)

IF A...

COMMUNIST has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government sells him some of the milk.

SOCIALIST has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government gives him some of the milk.

NAZI has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both cows.

CAPITALIST has two cows, he sells one, and buys a bull.

NEW DEALIST has two cows, he kills one milks the other,
and throws away the milk.

LIBERALIST has two cows, he sells them to the rich,
then taxes them one cow and gives it to the poor.

CONSERVATIST has two cows, he locks them up, and charges people to look at them.

ATHEIST has two cows, he doesn't believe it.

BUDDHIST has two cows, he milks them, but lets the milk spoil,
then he slaughters them, but lets the meat rot.
Then he prays for more cows.

ZEN BUDDHIST has two cows, he thinks about what to do with them,
then they die of starvation.

TAOIST has two cows, he lets them wander off.

NUDIST has two cows, he lives in Wyoming.

HARE KRISHNA has two cows, he names them CONCOURSE A and B.

EVANGELIST has two cows, he asks for 2,999,998 more so he won't be
"called up to heaven" just yet.

PLATONIST has two cows, he looks for two others to milk.

ARISTOCRIST has two cows, he sells them, and buys one big one.

AESTHETIST has two cows, he gets rid of them.

AGNOSTIC has two cows, bug deal, he has two cows.

CATHOLIC has two cows, they're not as good as your two cows.

MORMON has two cows, he slaughters them, sells them,
and holds back 10% of the meat and turns it into jerky.

SCIENTOLOGIST has two cows, they're probably from Venus
(and they're not really cows...)

PACIFIST has two cows, they stampede him.

GOVERNMENT WORKER has two cows, he can't sell them, fire them,
or even label them as cows.

HILLARY CLINTON has two cows, she robs the ranches and gives _everyone_ 2 cows.
If she doesn't have enough, she gives them bull.

BILL CLINTON has two cows, he makes sure a few
Arkansas Highway Patrolmen are outside the door when it happens.
Title: What Technical Support Is Thinking While Taking Calls!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 27, 2008, 11:20:45 PM

Dont be ignorant all your life, take a day off why dont you?
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.
You are so dumb, you stand on a chair to raise your IQ.
You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
You are very smart. You have brains you never used.
You got more issues than National Geographic!
You must have a very large brain, to hold so much ignorance.
You are a black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
You are a couple of slates short of a full roof.
You are a couplet short of a sonnet.
You are a cup and saucer short of a place setting.
You are a deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
You are a few beads short in her rosary.
You are a half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
A rejection letter from MENSA wouldn't be to much of a surprise for you now, would it?
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
All day I thought of you...I was at the zoo.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing.
By the way, the zoo called, the babboons want their buts backs so you'll have to find a new face.
Can I borrow your head for my rock garden?!
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
Don't let your mind wander - it're far too small to be let out on its own.
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
I guess you prove that even god makes mistakes sometimes.

Title: Girls Night Out
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 28, 2008, 09:30:20 PM
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married..
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. (Does this
sound like anyone you might know???)
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times..
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I
told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I
got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh s#*$.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 03:14:37 PM

This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle....then find yourself laughing out loud.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.  A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.  The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.  The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse af fect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing! I was disappointed.  I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;  I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.  All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it.  I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-#&*$@... That hurt like **%!!!  A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  How did they get up there???  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.  I'm still looking for my testicles!  I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!  Still in shock!

P. S. My wife love d the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

C.J. Owsley, owner
Candy Bouquet #343
320 Ichord Ave. Suite X
Waynesville, MO  65583
(573)774-3636 Store
(573)336-5883 C.J.'s Cell


"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands -- and then eat just one of the pieces."  --Judith Viorst,
author and journalist

Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 03:30:57 PM

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend.

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

Title: Questions-I
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 03:35:30 PM
Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What do you call a man with half a brain?

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Title: Questions-II
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 03:36:13 PM
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen??
Title: Questions-III
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 03:36:52 PM
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the s#*$ out of you.

Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy

Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Title: Men Vs. Women
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 03:49:26 PM
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Low blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc...

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

Title: Blonde's Revenge I
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 04:08:30 PM
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her. Submitted by Elizabeth

How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.

Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.

Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.

Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.

Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.

How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.

What is a "successful hunting trip" ?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days

What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.

What does a man call true love?
An erection.

Why is a man like a moped?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.

What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.

What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.

What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?

What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.

What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.

How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.

Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.

Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.

Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Title: Blonde's Revenge II
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 04:09:07 PM
Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.

Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"

Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.

Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.

What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.

What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.

Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.

138.Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.

What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.

How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.

How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy b$*%(.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!

Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Title: Profound Questions Regarding Men
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 04:10:35 PM
Q. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
A. So men can understand them.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.

Q. What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why is a psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. "I can do better than this."

Q. How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for directions.

Title: Why Computers are Better than Women
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 04:12:53 PM
1. A computer can wait forever for you.

2. A computer doesn't compare you with it's past users.

3. A computer doesn't get calls from it's past users while you're logged in.

4. A computer doesn't mind how excited you get.

5. A computer doesn't tell you how completely teriffic it's past users have been.

6. A computer is big in all the right places.

7. A computer never forgets your birthday.

8. A computer won't ask, "Are you in?"

9. A computer won't ask, "Is there another computer?"

10. A computer won't even talk about marriage.

11. A computer won't fall in love with you just because you have sex.

12. A computer won't get bitchy if you're slow to respond.

13. A computer won't grade you on how much you send it.

14. A computer won't look through your checkbook.

15. A computer won't mind how many other accounts you have, or if you keep getting new ones.

16. A computer won't say, "Let's just be friends."

17. A computer won't shave with your razor.

18. A computer's maintainance personel don't cross-examine you every time you log in.

19. Computers are easy to turn on.

20. Computers are ready when you are.

21. Computers are very responsive.

22. Computers aren't into finding out how far you'll go to keep your account.

23. Computers do everything you tell them to.

24. Computers don't care about age differences.

25. Computers don't care if you're married.

26. Computers don't get pregnant.

27. Computers don't get upset if you use other computers.

28. Computers don't insist on foreplay.

29. Computers don't make you meet their parents.

30. Computers don't mind if you share them with a friend.

31. Computers don't mind spending hours on the phone with you.

32. Computers don't play head games unless you ask them to.

33. Computers never ask you to call them in the morning.

34. Computers never have headaches, or take rainchecks, or have a curfew, or have that time of the month.

35. Computers won't mind if you don't like their friends.

36. If you don't like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another in less than a min.

37. Size doesn't count to a computer.

38. The average computer session lasts four hours.

39. With a computer, you never have to say you're sorry.

40. You can log into several computers at once.

41. You can turn off a computer.

42. You can visit a computer any time you like, and it'll be up and ready for you.

43. You don't have to tell computers you love them.

Title: The 10 Last Things A Men and Woen Would Say
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 04:16:24 PM
The 10 Last Things A Man Would Say

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherf*#$&@.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her *(#$ are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. f&#$ Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.

The 10 Last Things A Woman Would Say

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way..
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

Title: Real Driving Test Answers
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 04:22:53 PM
Real Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. (In other words the Saturday morning traffic school for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate number.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a #!head all day long.

Title: Funny Headlines
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 04:25:04 PM
Funny Headlines

- Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
- Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
- Drunk gets nine months in violin case
- Survivor of siamese twins joins parents
- Farmer Bill dies in house
- Iraqi head seeks arms
- Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
- Stud tires out
- Prostitutes appeal to Pope
- Panda mating fails, Veterinarian takes over
- Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
- British left waffles on Falkland Islands
- Eye drops off shelf
- Teacher strikes idle kids
- Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
- Squad helps dog bite victim
- Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
- Enraged cow injures farmer with axe
- Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
- Miners refuse to work after death
- Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
- Stolen painting found by tree
- Two soviet ships collide, one dies
- 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
- Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
- Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
- Drunken drivers paid in 84
- War dims hope for peace
- If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
- Cold wave linked to temperatures
- Enfiels couple slain, Police suspect homicide
Title: The Canonical List of Computer-Related Acronyms
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 30, 2008, 04:29:26 PM
The Canonical list of computer-related acronyms


I Blame Microsoft
Idiots Buy Me
Idiots Building Machines
I'll Buy Macintoshes (next time...)
It Bit Me
It Built Microsoft
It's Better Manually
I've Been Mislead
I've Been Mugged


Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed
When I Need Data Output Without Speed
While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation
Wholly Inadequate Needless Damned Outrageous Waste of Space
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System


Whoppingly Immense NOP
Worm Infestation Netware


My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology
Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally

Title: My Day As A Juror
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 31, 2008, 09:13:20 PM
OMG...they made me Forewoman of the Jury because I COULD DO MATH....and they were right to do so....LMAO!!!!!
This is the very first time I have ever been called in Chicago for Jury Duty...OH AND THEY PULLED ME RIGHT AWAY...I WAS #1-first pulled from a room of 300 jurors...very wierd...Hell I even had the judge laughing soon as they heard I ws a Chemist....BOOM!!!!!!!
LOL...when I went to deliver the verdict...the Judge..."And Ms. are the Forewoman....YES.....THAT WOULD BE ME....!!!!!!!!!!  He was LHAO..  He kwnew they would pick me...very strange.....very cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not sure I liked being called:  Madame Forewoman!!!!!!

Just think of all the famous Madames....LOL LOL ;D
Title: How Rare is Your Name!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on March 31, 2008, 10:36:40 PM
How Rare Is Your Name?

Go to this web site called
Put in your first and last name and see how many people in the USA have
your name as well. Then after my name add your name to the bottom of this list.

1. There are 73 people in the U.S. Named Jody Jordan.
2. There are 354 people in the US named Darlene Gonzalez.
3. There are 18 people in the US named Connie Roche.
4. There is only 1 person in the US named Joanne McClearn (thank goodness)
5. There is no one else in US named Alessandra Capella
6. There is no one else in the US named Yolanda Muse Moore. 
7. There is no one else in the US named Zella Shigg.
8. There are 2,654 people in the US named Susan Lee.
9. There are 209 people in the US named Rebecca Cummings.
10. There is no one else in the US named Monica Wildonger .
11. There is n o one else in the US with the name Earlene Lykins
12. There are 10,195 people in the U.S. with the name of Karen Smith
13 There is only 1 person (ME!) in the US named Marsha Gaier!
14. There are 186 people in the US named Donna Hensley
15. There are 60 people in the US named Nina Willis
16. There are 922 people in the US named Mary Summers
17. There are 4558 people in the US names Trish Hartman   
18. There are 486 people in the US named Pat Wegley
19. There are 27 people in the U.S. named Judith Grubb
20. There are 6 people in the US named Homer Crow (Hard to Believe)
21. There are 72 people in the US named Richard Stackhouse
22.  There is only 1 person in the US named Vonda Partin.
23.  There is only 1 person in the US named Carola Spurlock.
24.   There are 74 people in the US named Stella Stephens.
25.  There are 13 people in the US named Karen Dragon   
26. There is no one else in the US with the name Bobbi Budke
27 There are 3 Karla Gilman ...pretty neat site
28 There are 1,063 people in the US named Jacob Miller.
29. There are 37 people in the US with the name Andrew Vest.
30. there are 681 people in the US named Tracy Green
31. There are 564 people in the U. S named Sally Harris
32. there are 12 people in the US named Judy Slattery
33. there are 84 people in the US named Saundra Miller.
34 there are 0 ppl in the us named Jestina Denton {none named Jestina at}
35. there are 63 ppl named Dennis Denton
                      36. There are 11 people in the US Named Diana McFall. Isn't that scary! LOL
               37.  There are 74 people in the US Named Chris Huffman.
               38.  There are 63 people in the US Named Zachary Carlson.
39.  there are 15 people in the US named Jeannine Hunt
40. There is only 1 person in the US named Bobbie Trevena 
41.  Apparently according to  the US Census there are 0 Linda Trevena ( Guess I don't exist! )
42.  There are 36 people named June Montoya.....amazing!
43. There are 82 people in the US that are named Lawrence Montoya.
45. Doesn't even show me! PHEWWWWWWW !
46. There are 12 named David Lyde
47 There are 28 named Deborah Mello
48. there are 0 named Paulette Oots
49.  There are 37 people named Leo Luna
50. There are 0 people named Lisa Folena (I'm the only one...I knew I was important!)
51. There are 585,085 named Catherine and 0 named Folena
52. There are 157 people with the name of Gina Reynolds & 117 with Regina Reynolds
54. There are 0 Xandra Crelier's in this world (not so shocking) 
55. There are 804 people in the US named Andrea Walker~ 
56. There are 33 people in the US Named Angie Curtis.
 57.  There are 2 people in the US Named Donna Sinibaldi.
 58.  There are 11 people in the US  Named Melody Lott.
59.    There are 8 people named Melinda Duckworth (but 85 Linda Duckworthʼs)
60.     There are 0 named Arlen Proctor
 61.        There is 1 person in the US Named Sharon Jarding
62.        There are 28 people in the U.S. named Loren Montgomery
63. There are 41 named Sherry Peck
64. There are 50 named Angela Parr
65.  There is only 1 person in the world named Marlo Gallagher.  That's me.
66.  There is 213 people named Karen Fischer
67. There are 29 people named Frances Kowalski
68. There are 141 people with my name in the U.S.A.

69.    There are 1215 Deborah Nelsons in the U.S.A.
70.    There is 1 Ladonna DeCaterina in the USA
71. There are 98 Krista Nelson's
72.  There are 86 people in the US named Jamie Greer.
73. There is 1 Kymberly Key in the US
74. There is 1 person in the U.S. named Miguel Marcelino.
75There are 1,971 people with my name
in the U.S.A. pamela moore
76. There are 294 people named Janice Henry and only 108 with the name Janice Marsh!
77. There are 2 people named Elsie Sword, 0 people named Westine Pendergraft, 1 Elsie Pendergraft and 0 people with name Westine.
78. There are 78 people in the U S A  named Carol Coker,  7 named Carol Pendergraft.
79. There are 147 people in the USA named Darlene Boyd, 15 named Darlene Spicer and only 1 "Bulldog" Boyd.
80.  There are 63 people in the USA named Jennifer Wofford, 991 named Jennifer Simpson (my parents could have been a little more original!!)
81. There are 21 people named Deanna Glass
82.  There are 2 people named Sonny Glass
83.  There are 499 people named John Tipton
84.  There is only one person named Dominga Tipton
85.There are 75 people in the U.S. named Marion Becker
Title: How Many Scientists Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 01, 2008, 04:02:06 PM
How Many Scientists Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb

Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. That is what their students are for. (from Philip Clarke in New

A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical
modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for
publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around
arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.

Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.

Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because
he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a
0,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me
how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this
incredibly vital question.

Title: Academic Life-A Daughter's Letter
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 01, 2008, 04:02:46 PM
Academic Life-A Daughter's Letter

Dear Mother and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having
written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on,
please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are
sitting down. Okay?

Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only
spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only
get those sick headaches one a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called
the Fire Department and the ambulance.

He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because
of the burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his
apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but its kind of cute. He is
a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get
married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my
pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some
minor infection which prevents us from passing the pre-marital blood test
and I carelessly caught it from him. This will clear up with the penicillin
injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the
family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is
ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I
know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by
the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure
that you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am
told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation department
he works for. Although they say he runs his office from his truck.

Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that
there was NO dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull
fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I
do not have syphilis, and there is no schwartze in my life. However, I am
getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, and I wanted you to see
those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter, ...
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 01, 2008, 04:03:41 PM

BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are
you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and
tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!

COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you
planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year?

HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you
never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do
you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!!

PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you
pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How
many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in
the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!

PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more years
of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the
concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off
high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers?
Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand
in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL -- The Big Red

DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from
stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink
some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on
drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!

M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate
doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math
math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE !!!

BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel (but
have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your ass from your elbows
(but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to
produce 24 variants of 'da weed' with a garden weasel and a piece of
Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of
indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student
Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!!

SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your
money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot
because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters
to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea of a
good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal?






Title: Fear and Ignorance-Combined Science
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 01, 2008, 04:15:51 PM
For years now, the science of "anatomy" has been based on nothing but luck
and speculation, shrinking away from addressing the true problem of
uncovering the most basic constituents of the human body in fear of
offending certain puritanical "moral" superstitions.

I propose that, following in the footsteps of particle physics, we construct a tube 5 km
long and about one meter in diameter into each end of which human subjects
can be inserted and accelerated towards each other at upwards of 3*10^4

Upon collision the net energy should be sufficient to break apart the
subjects into their component parts which will then be captured by a
sophisticated bucket-and-tubing mechanism and classified by the planet's
best anatomists.

Only by such means can we ever hope to put the science of
anatomy on a firm footing and shed light on that which has heretofore been
veiled by the darkness of ignorance and fear.
Title: The Marriage-Combined Sciences
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 01, 2008, 04:19:24 PM
There is a general feeling in the public that IISc/IIT students are fundundamentally,
unassumingly lost in thought almost all the time. And girls fare no better
in this respect. So let us see what a Non IISc/IITain may face when he
marries a girl from this campus.

SCENE: First night of the marriage.

CHARACTERS: IISc/IIT Bride and Non IISc/IIT Groom.

The Groom approaches the Bride and proposes to kiss her. So let us see what
would be her reaction..


"Well kissing is relative. You can kiss me with respect to me or with
respect to you. First define how you are going to kiss. You can kiss me by
treating me in the same reference frame as you are or treating me in a
different inertial frame by producing waves of motion through your lips.
How do you prefer?

The guy faints.


"Kissing is fine. You can kiss me provided you satisfy the following

Necessary conditions: You should be close to me by a distance delta where
delta is greater than zero and the limit for delta tends to zero and you
satisfy the closure property.

Sufficient conditions: You should have lips. Where the number of lips is
neither more than two nor less than two. You can also kiss by defining your
hand to be me if and only if you satisfy the above conditions.

The guy goes mad.


"Oh Kissing, that is interesting phenomena that occurs in nature. This is
an initiating process for sex not only found in homosapiens but also in all
heterosapiens, mammals, camels, vertebrates, invertebrates and insects. Out
of 1000 ants observed in a closed laboratory in Zuvinich in Yugoslavia 90%
of them seem to involve in the process of kissing but the subsequence is
very random with probability 0.672139 that a male ant kiss female
ant. First observe the behaviour of ants and cockroaches under various
conditions. That will be very interesting . Isn't it?

The guy has heart attack.

GIRL FROM CS (Computer Science):

"You want to kiss me. That is fine I assume that you know the algorithm for
that very well. But you have to complete the process within 56.22 seconds
or else connection will be timed out. To optimise the timing lets do
parallel processing. As we have to discuss about our future and other
things, let us do the process of discussion foreground and why can't you
put the process of Kissing background?"

The guy applies for divorce.

GIRL from EE (Electrical Engineering):

"So you would like to kiss me. The process of kissing is an age old
communication process. The information content of the signal transmitted
from one pair of lips to the other is more if the probability of the event
(of kissing) is less. Hence take care. If you want a successful
communication between us, you should kiss me less often. If the information
content is to be infinite, you should never kiss me at all!"
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 01, 2008, 09:33:57 PM

For all of us who are married, were married, wish
You were married, or wish you weren't married, this
Is something to smile about the next time you see a
Bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business
Trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road .

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
The car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
A ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
The car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
A bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
Woman just sat silently, looking intently at
EVERYTHING she saw, studying every little detail,
Until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally .

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
She said:


"Good trade.. 
Title: Mental Age Assessment Test by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 03, 2008, 02:24:39 PM
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down
Title: Don't Laugh
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 03, 2008, 09:41:16 PM
Don't laugh
The first thing Fred says as he sees the doctor is
"Please don't laugh".

Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a
professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his
trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn¢t have been the size of a peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started
giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet
and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor, "I really am..
I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won¢t happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 03, 2008, 09:46:33 PM

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'  She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways. 

Some years later they met again. The Father asked,  'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father & lt; BR>> asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins  and 4 single! s, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That' s wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!'
Title: SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007-Times Have Changed!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 04, 2008, 10:35:53 PM
SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario:  Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. 

Scenario:  Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. 

Scenario:  Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits 
still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. 

Scenariobsp;Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful busi nessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.  Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.  State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.  Billy's mom has affair with psychologist. 

Scenario:  Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. 

Scenario:  Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher.  English banned from core curriculum.  Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. 

Scenario:  Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:  Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Post by: TaSt3MyRa1nBoW on April 07, 2008, 10:57:09 AM
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices
that the oil-pressure light is on.  He gets out to look and sees oil
dripping out of the motor.  He drives to the nearest town and stops
at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around
town.  He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona,
decides that something cold would really hit the spot.  He gets a
big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.  Having no hands,
he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. 

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks
the mechanic if he's found the problem.  The mechanic looks up and
says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream." <br>:-X
Title: What kind Of Hormones Are Running Thru Your IC System?
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 07, 2008, 03:10:09 PM
What kind Of Hormones Are Running Thru Your IC System?

Caller:  Hi, this is _ _ _  from _ _  in _ _ and I am calling to set up a service call for our XYZ1234 system.

Tech:  OK, ma’am what seems to be the problem?

Caller:  The baseline is all over the place.

OK…so I have the out…set up a service call….someone remind me to leave well enough alone!!!!!!

Tech:  What does the baseline look like? Is it spiky, wavy,  sinusoidal?

Caller:  What does that mean?

OH…why do I try!!!!!!

Tech:  Ma’am, if it is wavy-sinusoidal-irregular and you have pressure fluctuations, that is usually related to dirty/sticky pump check valve cartridges.

Caller:  is that something we can fix?

Usually, but in this case….WHY DID I OPEN THE DOOR???

Tech:  Yes ma’am.  I am setting up your service call since the system is under warranty.  I will send you instructions on how to service the pump.

Caller:  Ok, let me put the guy/tech on the phone with you who will do that.


New Caller:  Hi…my name is….and so what do we do…

Tech:  Sir, what kind of eluent are you using?

New Caller:  Eluent?

Tech:  Mobile phase?

New Caller:  “Hey Ida….they want to know what kind of hormones are you running thru that system?

NO!!!!  NO!!!!!  NO!!!!!  I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!OK!!!!!  WTF…HOW THE HELL!!!!!  MUTE BUTTON…..MUTE BUTTON…OK….OMG  IS HE JOKING….HORMONES….I AM TRYING TO MAKE THE CONNECTION….NEVER MIND…Let me always remember to leave well enough alone!!!!!!!!!!  GGGGEZZZEEEEEEEEEE
Title: Why Did I Break 2 Columns Today?
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 08, 2008, 10:58:28 PM
Why Did I Break 2 Columns Today?

Caller:  Hi…my name is  _ _ _  _ _ _ _     _ _ _ _    _ _ _ _ _ and I am a PhD, MS, BS, AS, and am a PostDoc at Institute  for S_ _ _ _ _ _ B_ _ _  _ _ _ in Seattle, WA.  I have worked with  _ _ _ _ _  equipment for  X years and I want to know if you have changed your manufacturing processes for your columns?

OK this dude wants to ROCK MY WORLD…I mean look at all those credentials…..I could wallpaper my entire house with those…Only 1 reason for all that touting (besides insecurity…and lack of respect from his coworkers)…HE DID SOMETHING AND HE WANTS SOMETHING!!!!!!…and it never impresses anyone anyway….WTF did he do????

Tech:  No sir, we have not changed any of our manufacturing processes for  _ _ _ _ _ _ columns.

Caller:  Well I want to know because I broke 2 today.  I mean they broke into pieces…resin pouring all over the place…and I know what I am doing and I want you to tell me why I broke 2 columns in 1 day!!!!!!

OK we have just broken the sound barrier…this guy is at 100 db EASY…This is NOT GOING TO GET HIM WHAT HE WANTS…NOT FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LMAO…he has all those credentials and he wants me to tell him why/how he broke 2 columns in 1 day.  Doesn’t he know?  I mean how may does he usually break in a day.  Hell they take 400 Bar max.  This is going to be good.

Tech:  Sir, I really do not know how to respond to/answer you question. I do not know your operating conditions or what you are analyzing.  I need a lot more detail regarding your system.

Caller:  Well, we have thousands of systems here.  And I am a PhD…and a Post Doc…and I am NOT A BIOLOGIST….and I know what I am doing…so tell me why I broke 2 columns!!!!!!!!!  The Part Number is 12345 and the Serial Number is 55577.  So how/why did I break them?

HA HA HA HA HA LOL LMAO…OK…let me think of something…LOL LOL…MUTE LMAO…LOL….MUTE…OMG why do I always get these calls…and the Biologists that work there better watch out for this one…he hates Biologists….with a true passion….LOL LOL LOL  OMG it is all in the name of the Institute he works at …one of the top 15 US Institutes…their annual symposium is on the 20th ….These guys need to do some serious screening!!!!!! They need to bar this guy!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Sir, I have 2 ways to go here.  I can put you in touch with your Sales or Service rep.  Basically, you feel that the columns were mal-manufactured….so I need to put you in touch with one of them….

Is he kidding ??? Columns broken in half resin pouring all over the floor and he knows what he is doing…OK THEN  SO DO I!!!!!

Caller:  Can I have your name.

Tech:  ~M

Caller:  And your extension so I can call you back if I need to.

OH HELL NO….ONFW…No way no how…not for all the diamonds at Tiffanys….not for anything NO NO NO NO NO…OH HELL IF YOU CAN CALL ME!!!!!!!  Dr. Psychopath who hates biologists…and blew 2 columns to smitherines…NO NO NO...WHAT ARE YOU THINKING…..???

Tech:  Sir, the best way to reach me is to call the 1-800# and ask for me by name.

Caller:  Well, I want to talk to my sales rep.  I know how much _ _ _ _ _ _ _  equipment we have here and we can buy from another vendor.  And I want someone to tell me how I broke those columns.  I am NOT a Biologist.  I know what I am doing...

OMG he is a nut case….OK…I mean the whole center is just laughing now!!!!!!!  I know what they do out there in Seattle....can't they...Change you into something...something.....something better than what you are!!!!! You are like something out of Resident Evil!!!!!!

Tech:  Sir, I am setting up the request now.  After I finish I will give you your sale’s reps phone#.

OH he is going to hate me!!!!!  I have enough time to warn him!!!!!!! Damn...this guy has told me 13 times he is not a BIOLOGIST...OK OK OK ....I get are not a are too stupid to be a Biologist....and I am not in touch with your need to tell me that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caller:  CLICK…he hangs up….

OMG he hung up…Oh this is too weird….every person within a 50 foot range is ROTFLTFAO….I have successfully entertained the whole crew!!!!  Well, that is MY JOB!!!!!!

I called him back …no answer…still writing up the request….10 minute later guy in front of me gets call…

Other Tech:  Hey `M you lose this guy????

Tech:  Obviously I did not try hard enough…NO …he hung up….

Other Tech:  he is back…and wants to talk to you…

Tech:  OH NO…give him  _ _ _  _ _ _ _ _ _ ‘s #.

What a F#@^ing Liar….he hung up…took his meds…and now wants to speak to me…I THINK NOT!!!!!! We have one very stressed out Postdoc…who has blown up 2 columns…and he wants a replacement gratis…SO HE CAN DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!  Used them for years…OK then how come I had to add you to the system……YOU ARE NOT AND NAVER HAVE BEEN IN THE SYTEM BEFORE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

HA HA….Tech’s REVENGE…..DO NOT SCREAM AT ME ON THE PHONE….I HATE BEING SCREAMED AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Especially by a psycho who has a deep seated hatered for BIOLOGISTS….I have friends who are BIOLOGISTS!!!!!!!

OH my biggest secret…I have this nano scale manufacturing unit I keep in my desk….in that little tiny drawer most people do not put anything in…OH and on my breaks I make nano-scale columns….I am the ONE…THAT IS MY BIG SECRET….and then JUST FOR KICKS…JUST TO PISS PEOPLE OFF….I SABOTAGE THEM ……..I ENGINEER THEM SO THEY EXPLODE in end users faces!!!!!  JUST FOR FUN!!!!!!    ;D

Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 09, 2008, 07:06:55 PM

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said: 'NO!'

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, saved up tons of money, and had all the hot water to herself. 

She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, rarely cried or yelled or argued, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

The End   ;D
Title: Wife Prank Call Gone Wrong-Funny As Hell!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 09, 2008, 09:52:55 PM

Post by: TaSt3MyRa1nBoW on April 10, 2008, 11:11:00 AM
What sound does it make when a Chicken and a Cow are having sexy time?
Brownchicken Browncow!

HAHAHAHA-if you dont find humor in this, go buy yourself a sense of humor.
**Please tell me you understood it and sang it like bow chicka bow wow, if not, all i can say is WOW
Title: Greatest Prank Call EVER!!!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 10, 2008, 11:33:41 PM
Title: Priceless!!!!
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 20, 2008, 04:45:53 PM
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's
just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed
to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear
to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do La maze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.

In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they

Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears
were now running down her face. "It's just.....that...I'm picturing you
pulling on its...its....teeny little.." she gasped for more air
to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to
be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker...Priceless
Title: Murphy's Laws
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 20, 2008, 05:58:24 PM
Murphy's Laws

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

6. Never ask two questions in a business letter.  The reply will discuss the
one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try again.  Then quit.  No use being a
damn fool about it.

9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
boss asks for a ride home from the office.

10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would
be so many.

  11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.  This is what I'm doing wrong.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing.

16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible
for everything that goes wrong  - until the next person quits or is fired.

18. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
always enough time to do it over.

19. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
(For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational
Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)

20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

21. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

22. People are always available for work in the past tense.

23. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

24. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.

25. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

26. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

27. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

28. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

29. The longer the title, the less important the job.

30. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

Title: How Can You Live Without Knowing These Things
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 23, 2008, 12:36:10 AM
How can you live without knowing these things?

1. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden" ... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

2. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma

3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

4. Men can read smaller print better than women can; women can hear better.

5. Coca-Cola was originally green.

6. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

7. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

8. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

9. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

10. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

  11. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

12. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

13. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

14. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

15. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

17. A cute mathematical trick: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

18. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the
person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

19. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't
added until 5 years later.

20. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace

21. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

22. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find
the letter "A"?
One thousand

23. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all
have in common?
All invented by women.

24. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

25. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
Father's Day

26. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you
pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence
the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."

27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month... which we know today as the honeymoon.

28. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts,
and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

29. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to
get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

30. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

 ;D  :o  :D  ;D  ;)

Title: Funny Foreign English Phrases
Post by: Alpha-Omega on April 23, 2008, 11:10:49 PM
Funny Foreign English Phrases

1. Cocktail lounge, Norway:

2. At a Budapest zoo:

3. Doctor's office in Rome:

4. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan:

5. In a Nairobi restaurant:

6. On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:

7. In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:

8. The best! In a Tokyo bar:

9. Hotel, Japan:

10. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

  11. Hotel, Zurich:

12. Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

13. A laundry in Rome:

14. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:

15. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

16. The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

17. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

18. In a Japanese cemetery: