Chemical Forums
General Forums => Generic Discussion => Topic started by: notlove on May 19, 2009, 01:23:34 PM
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General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: “So how are your men?”
“Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.”
“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.”
“I’d like to see that.”
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”
“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idioy! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
“You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”
;D ;D ;D
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1) Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
2) PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
3) Men that slept around would come with records, just like guys keep maintenance records on cars.
4) Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
5) Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
6) Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
7) Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity and men would be required to go to clothing stores or malls to help women pick out new outfits.
8) Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
9) Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
10) Men would be required to learn phrases like “I’m sorry”, “I love you”, “You’re beautiful”, “Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit”.
11) All toilet seats would be nailed down.
12) TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
13) All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
;D ;D
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Little johny’s school is having show and tell, so the teacher starts a “Guess Whats Behind My Back” game. She goes to her desk and picks up a item. She says, okay class, what am I holding, its RED, ROUND, and SHINEY. Little Johny replies I know teacher its an apple, The teacher replies, no little johny, But I like the way you think.
So the teacher goes gack to her desk picks up another item. She says, okay class, what am I holding now, its YELLOW, and SOFT. Little Johny replies I know teacher,its a bannana. The teacher replies, no little johny, its a tennis ball. But I like the way you think. At this point little johny is furious. Okay teacher, this one’s for you, he stuck his hand in his pocket and said okay what am I Holding, Its ROUND, HARD, and has a HEAD. The teacher says, Little johny, go to the office right now, you are in trouble. Little johny replies, for what teacher, its just a quarter, but I like the way you think.
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Two little old ladies were attending a rather long service at their Church. One leaned over and whispered, “My butt is going to sleep.”
Her friend leaned over and said, “I know. I heard it snore three times.”
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- How did you make your fortune?
- I became the partners of a rich man; he had the money and I had experience.
- How did that help?
- Now he has experience and I have the money.
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((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
“Hello?”
“Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy, She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Frank”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now”
Brief Pause
“Uh, okay then, …this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy”
“And what happened honey?” he asked
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead”
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool??”…Is this 555-7039??
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On a flight from Saigon to Los Angeles, an American sat beside a Vietnamese. American asked Vietnamese, “What kind of “ese” are you?
“Excuse me?”
“What kind of “ese” are you?”
“Excuse me, I don’t understand what you meant.”
“Stupid! Are you Vietnamese, Chinese or Japanese?”
“Oh! I am a Vietnamese.”
After 2 hours. Vietnamese asked American: “What kind of “kee” are you?
“What? What do you mean by key?”
“Are you monkey, donkey or Yankee.”
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This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife…
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven’t noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson’s Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem’. It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!
Day 6
Isn’t life wonderful but it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it’s very nice - I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I’m also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over….
Day 11
I’m basically being screwed to death. It’s like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He’s a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous…
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry” thing again, I’ll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I’ll have to kill him. I’m starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference…Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
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You’ve got red and green bags under your eyes
You’re serving reindeer pot pie
When you hear, “Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin’?,” you scream, “No! I’m not listening!”
You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun
You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.
Instead of spending time with family, you’re watching some guy make photo copies
You’re busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.
You’ve got eggnog coming out of your ears
Your standard response, “And happy holidays to you too, you bastard”
Two words: tinsel rash
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They’re boasting about race records
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”
Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”
“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”
The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”
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After very heavy rain in Jeddah in January 1979, the Arab News gave the following report:
“We are afraid that we are unable to give you a weather report. We usually get information about the weather from the airport, but the airport is closed today because of the weather. It is possible that we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow, but only if the weather gets better.”
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Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they say to each other “I’m thirsty.” They see a nearby bar and walk up to it.
Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO DOGS. They thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do with no luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, “I have an idea! Do what I do.”
The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and tried to get in but a big muscular man stopped him. “Where do you think you’re going?” asked the big man. “This is my seeing-eye dog.” said the man hoping for good feedback. “Alrighty mister, go right in.” said the big man. The doberman man walked in.
The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as the first man. “Where are you going?” asked the big man. “I’m going into the bar, this is my seeing-eye dog.” he said. “A chihuahua?” asked the big man with suspicion. The other man, playing his part yelled, “They gave me a chihuahua!?”
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Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?
A: Look in the library——-under Romantic Fiction.
Q: How can a guy cope during his wife’s menopause?
A: By staying busy. If you’re mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.
Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she’s with child.
Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?
A: Don’t wear a brassiere. The additional hanging “weights” will take out the wrinkles.
Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.
Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?
A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.
Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?
A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon
Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?
A: On top of their heads.
Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?
A: ‘Gee, I have one of these.’
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An extremely drunk man walks into a bar. He looks around for a while and, after staring at the only woman seated at the bar for some time, stumbles over to her and kisses her full on the lips. Shocked and outraged, she jumps up and slaps him hard. He apologizes immediately and explains, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. I love my wife and you look just like her.”
Not convinced of his innocence the woman yells,” I don’t think you love anyone but yourself, you stupid, useless, crazy, drunk!”.
“Wow this is amazing,” he hiccups, “You also speak just like her.”
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* Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
* Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
* Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
* Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
* Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
* Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
* Dispatcher: Excuse me?
* Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
* Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
* Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
* Dispatcher: 911
* Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
* Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
* Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
* Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
* Caller: No
* Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
* Caller: Running from the Police.
* Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
* Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
* Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
* Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
* Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
* Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
* Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
* Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
* Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
* Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
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He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.
“Go to the road and get help,” he said. “I don’t have anything to cover myself with!” she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
“You’ll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,” he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
“My boyfriend! My boyfriend!” she sobs, “He’s stuck and I can’t pull him out!”
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: “Ma’am, if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’s a goner!”
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The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ——- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ——- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.”
“That’s nothing,” an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”
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An old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?”
“Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.”
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson’s office. “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I’m farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,” said the doctor soothingly. “Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, we’ll work on your hearing!!!”
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“No, really, I’m OK to drive.”
–I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.
“I’m not used to these darts.”
–I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.
“You get this one, next round is on me.”
–We won’t be here long enough to get another round.
“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”
–Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.
“I haven’t seen you around here for a long time.”
–You stuck up little —–, too good for your old friends??
“Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
–I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
“Lets get out of here.”
–I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.
“Ever try a body shot?” (female to male)
–If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female)
–You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
“I don’t feel well, lets go home.” (male)
–I’m horny.
“I’ve had like 10 beers already.”
–I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
“Who’s got the next round?”
–I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
“Excuse Me.” (male to male)
–Get the f— out of the way.
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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!
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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flys landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Scotsman scooped at his beer until he washed the fly out and then continued drinking.
The Irishman carefully picked the fly out of his drink, then held it out over the beer and started yelling “SPIT IT OUT YOU ——-! SPIT IT OUT!!!!”
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I manage a simple web site for my employer (a small charity), and owing to the purchase of a domain name I emailed the details of the new URL to several website owners who were known to have maintained links to us at our old address.
A couple weeks later I received this message:
“Dear John” (my name is not John). “Please send me your advertising rates”
A simple request. The only problem is that we have never carried advertising. I emailed him back:
“Dear ***, Thanks for your enquiry, but I am afraid that we do not carry advertising within our website”
Message returns:
“Dear John” (Doh!) “Yes, I would like to advertise on your web site - please let me know how much it will cost.”
I replied in much the same vein as before i.e. We do not carry advertising. We will never carry advertising. We have never carried advertising. There are no rates. Go away.
Message returns:
“Dear John” (I’m getting tired of being called John). “I would like to renew the advertising that I had with you a while back. How much does it cost now?”
By now I’m getting a little pissed. I reply.
“Dear ***, As I have stated repeatedly, we have never carried advertising within our website. You cannot therefore renew advertising that we have never carried. In the unlikely event that we should start to carry advertising in the future then you will be the first to know, but don’t hold your breath. In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you would stop sending me requests for our advertising rates. We don’t have any. Furthermore, my name is _not_ John (as you may see by reading the sig at the bottom of every message I have sent).”
Message returns yesterday:
“Dear John” (AAAAAAARGH!). “I enclose my copy for the advertising…….”
My reply:
(Several hundred swear words deleted.)
“Dear ***, as you obviously do not understand plain English, try this for size. CONSIDER YOURSELF KILLFILED.
Actually I didn’t send that reply - I just wish I had. He has, however, been added to my bozo list. I wonder if the schlemeil is gonna be visiting the web site daily, looking for his advertising…….
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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God… “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.” “Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you’ve being complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your… ah, physical needs. He’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advise to think properly.” “Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?” “Yeah, well…. you can have him on one condition.” “What’s that, Lord?” “As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring…So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first…So, just remember… it’s our secret… Woman-to-woman!”
^LOL^!!! :D :D :D
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3 people were on a plane. One said to the pilot, “I have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?” The pilot told him to throw it out the window. The second one asked the same question and the pilot also told him to throw it out the window. The third one asked the pilot, “I have a bomb. What do I do with it?” The pilot told him to throw it out the window. When they landed they met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied, “Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle. They met a woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, “Because I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up.
^LOL^!!!
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Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit “inquire.”
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner”.
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician”.
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”
Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers”.
Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself…anyway.
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She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED-AMERICAN.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.
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Mrs. McGervey was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O’Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. McGervey and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father.’ They then parted ways.
Some years later they
met again. The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’ The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any
wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! How is yer lovin’ hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle.
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A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”
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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequilla. The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another. The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatidly asks for shots of tequilla until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore.
Disgustidly the man exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later the drunk comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone.
The drunk takes the phone and dials 911. When the police answer the phone the man says, “Somebody has broken into my car.
They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard.”
The police reply that they will be down in a few minutes. The man walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 911 again. When the police answers the phone the man says, “I just called about a car that had been broken into. Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat.”
^LOL^^^ :D
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A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquired.
“I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man.
“6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?”
“Yeah, my first blowjob,” the man answered.
“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”
“No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”
:D :D :D
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One day a tired salseman goes into a bar and orders a beer. While he’s enjoying his drink, he notices a nittle old man with a peg-leg and a Noggin the size of a baseball. Curious, he ask the man, “How in the world did your noggin get to me so DAMN Tiny?”
The old man replies “I used to be a sailor, but one day, i was out sailing when my shipwrecked on a remote island. I lived there for about three years. One day a beuatiful mermaid came up on shore. she gave me three wishes. For the first wish, I asked her to be back in civilization, for the second i wished for 25 million dollars. For the third wish i told her that i wanted to have sex with a mermaid. She told me ’sorry, but mermaid dont have the right equipment to have sex. So i said “how about a little head then?”
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A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right breast is hanging out.”
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?”
“Well, your breast is hanging out.”
She looks down and says “OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!”
^LOL^!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who’s perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, “Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.”
To which the blonde replies, “How do you give Shoulders?”
^LOL^!!! :D :lol: :lol:
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Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,”Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?”
“Sure that sounds great!” said Julie.
“Well, how much do you want me to pay you?” asked the man.
“Is fifty bucks all right?” Julie asked.
“Yeah, great. You’ll find the paint and ladders you’ll need in the garage.”
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
“Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?” asked the wife.
“Well, she must, she was standing right on it!” her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.”I’m all finished,” she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
“You painted the whole porch?”
“Yeah,” Julie replied, “I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!”
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. “Oh, and by the way,” said Julie, “That’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
^LOL^!!! :lol: :D :lol:
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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
“I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.”
“Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But .. what happened to your other ear?”
“The son-of-a-b$*%( called back.”
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This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.
“Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?”
The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, “Because it is an ocean of wheat.”
The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. “It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.”
The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, “if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass.”
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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.
Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let’s have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow aren’t they?
George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.
Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.
After a short pause …
Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?
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There was a blonde, a brunette and a redhead at a dance together. When they went into the bathroom to check their makeup, they found an old hag. “I am a witch, and if you look in the mirror and say one rumor that you hear about you, and that rumor is true, then you will get one wish. If it is not true, then you will get sucked into Mirrorland for the rest of eternity. Do you understand?” They all did, and the brunette went first. “I think I am the prettiest girl at school.” “That is true. Your wish is granted.” And the brunette left the dance in a red Ferrari. Then came the redhead. “I think I am the richest girl at school.” “That is true. Your wish is granted.” And the redhead left the dance with a hot boyfriend. Then came the blonde. “I think…” Before she had a chance to finish, the witch said: “You lie!!” And she was sucked into the mirror.
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…she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate”.
…she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
…she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
…she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DONT WALK”.
…she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
…she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
…she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
…she tried to drown a fish.
…she thought a quarterback was a refund.
…she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
…if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you’d get change back.
…they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
…under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”
…she tripped over a cordless phone.
…she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”.. she put “Sagittarius.”
…she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
…it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
…if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless.
…she studied for a blood test …and failed.
…she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
…she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
…she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
…she sold the car for gas money.
…when she saw the “NC-17″ (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
…when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
…she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
…when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
…when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home.
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“You Were an Accident”
“How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“Bi-Curious George”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly!”
“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
“Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North America. Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“All Dogs Go to Hell”
“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
“When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say God Did It”
“Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
“Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver”
“You Are Different and That’s Bad”
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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.” To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”