I shouldn't do this, but, nevertheless, I have to reveal why Mitch is not here on his birthday.
Rumour has it that he left the US with a suspicious package containing potentially radioactive material: some say donuts, others believe plutonium, I know plutonium-glazed donuts.
No matter what he told you, we have no idea where he's gone. He was seen for the last time last Friday, outside the department of chemistry of Berkley University with the said package close to his chest (literally).
Then, he disappeared and the chase began. The Interpol is looking for him in Central America, after an anonymous call reported to have seen him on a beach in Aruba.
Russian secret service thought to have found him in Kyrgyzstan, but they are rumoured to have miserably failed.
South Koreans are scarred he may try to introduce the donuts in North Korea, where plutonium is, obviously, much more important than food. How can you blame them?
Consistently, they have increased security measures on the border.
CIA need your help too. Please, call 1-800-I-Have-Seen-The-Radioactive-Donuts-And-I-Am-Not-Drunk, if you have useful information.
Thank you for your attention.Albert