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Offline Alpha-Omega

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Legendary Undergraduate Application
« Reply #225 on: February 24, 2008, 04:11:52 AM »
Legendary Undergraduate Application

This is said to be an actual essay written by a college applicant,
now attending NYU.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET
TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
YOU HAVE REALIZED THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs
for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco,
a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army
ants.I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject
of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension
bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last
summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles.

Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in
one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I
know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I
do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I
have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving championships in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and
I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.
 
 

Offline Alpha-Omega

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I Love E-Mails Like This
« Reply #226 on: February 24, 2008, 04:51:45 AM »
OK so Friday our entire network was down GLOBALLY (NO PHONES NO E-MAIL-NADA-nothing in or out from anywhere)....So LOL why was this e-mil sent.....I have highlighed the most ILLOGICAL SECTIONS...Please note this was sent periodically....3 TIMES....they wated to make sure of what exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHH it is not just the people who call!!!!!!!!! They are in the IT Dpartment too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :o HE HE HE HE...they were.... OH NEVER MIND!!!!!!!!! ;D


We apologize for the continued inconvenience but want to provide periodic updates. The Internet is still down for XXXXXX SV locations, this includes access to the Internet, the ability to send email to outside sources (including XXXXXX email addresses for European and Asian offices), and the ability to receive email from outside sources (vendors and customers). The effect of this unfortunately also causes problems for our XXXXXX remote offices to also include Internet, voice, and network access to common XXXXXXresources. We do not have an ETA from AT&T, however we are working closely with the AT&T technicians while they continue to troubleshoot this issue. We appreciate your patience and will keep you informed.

Kind regards,

C F
Manager, Information Systems

AND...we were supposed to know this beacuse.....What?  There is a sectret carrier pigeon system i nthe network?  They sure have managed to kweep that on the down low!!!!!!!!!!!!Someting we are missing here!!!!!!!!!!!!HA HA HA HA HA...ROTFLMFAO
« Last Edit: February 24, 2008, 05:09:22 AM by Alpha-Omega »

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Nuns Grading Papers
« Reply #227 on: March 09, 2008, 03:20:58 PM »
Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!


 

 

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!  IT COMES FROM A  CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


 


 

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.


 

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

 

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

 

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

 

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
 

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
 

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA ! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

 

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TOMOUNTCYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS


9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

 

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

 

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

 

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.


13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.


 

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
 

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

 

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
 
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
 

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

 

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

 

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

 

 

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

 

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

 

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

 

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

 


Offline Alpha-Omega

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Work-Virus WARNING!!!!
« Reply #228 on: March 09, 2008, 03:29:58 PM »
You have been warned!!
 
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
 
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
 
If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes: Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
 
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
 
You should immediately forward this medical alert to friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Offline Alpha-Omega

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GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS!!!
« Reply #229 on: March 09, 2008, 03:56:30 PM »
GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you
would  be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Smart Ass Answers
« Reply #230 on: March 09, 2008, 05:08:54 PM »
Smart Ass Answers

 

SMART ASS ANSWER -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"  The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

SMART ASS ANSWER -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked.. "Yes or no,"she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended  her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,they're dead."



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006-A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"  A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, what denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.  He never heard the shot....


Offline Alpha-Omega

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WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
« Reply #231 on: March 09, 2008, 05:52:18 PM »
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

 A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the  weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after  her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and  the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs  himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs.  as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a k nock at the door
and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have
 me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same  routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs  himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20  lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good  in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing  there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'

Offline Alpha-Omega

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One Doctor's philosophy
« Reply #232 on: March 10, 2008, 04:00:12 PM »
Love this Doctor!!!   

Q:   I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . . . Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q:  Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A:   You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of deliveri ng vegetables to your system. Need grain?  Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q:  Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A:   No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.  Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q:   How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A:  Well, if you have a body and you have fat   your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q:   What are some of the advantagesof participating in a regular exercise program?

A:  Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is:   No Pain...Good!


Q:   Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A:  YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . .   Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?! 


Q:   Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A:  Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q:   Is chocolate bad for me?

A:  Are you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?

A:   If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

AND . . . . .

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutrit ional st udies.

1. The Japanese eat ve ry little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Are you Crazy? SCT (Standardized Crazy Test)
« Reply #233 on: March 12, 2008, 11:04:26 PM »
Are you Crazy? SCT (Standardized Crazy Test)

1. If two people come up to you and ask you for the time, you:

A. Eat them
B. Eat their dog
C. Give them the time
D. Invoke Satan to eat them
E. Repetitively scream Gaelic curses


If you chose A, B, D or E you are Crazy!
If d. The prince of darkness is inside you.
If c. then you most likely own a watch.


2. Upon being asked are you crazy you respond:


A. No, I am not crazy
B. Yes, yes I am crazy
C. Roll your eyes and make a sound of emphatic disgust
D. What is Crazy? Craziness is defined as deviation from normality, an aberration so therefore crazy could be having a successful career where your *Ignore me, I am a weenie* boss isn't up your ass all damn day to come home to a f&#^$*@ family that will not mock and scorn at your solemnity and appreciate you as a person. Or a computer that will not break down every five minutes or a car or a McDonald's employee that will get the damn order correct. That is crazy! Is that crazy? Then you tear your hair on head out by the root and seek to destroy the world, as we know it.
E. By continuing to knit sweaters for your pet cockroach


If you answered B. then you are crazy


3. If your cat begins to speak to you in tongues, you:


A. Run for your life.
B. Bash it over the head with the largest object in the immediate vicinity.
C. Give it catnip and a little toy.
D. Respond with various demonic speech of your own and continue about your business.
E. Take it to your friendly local veterinarian.


Whether you chose A, B, C, D or e does not matter. If your cat is talking to you at all you're definitely Crazy!


4. In your baggage, airport security will most likely find:


A. A body
B. Half a body with teeth marks unassailably galvanizingly similar to your own
C. Flaming skulls clog dancing
D. A goose
E. Half a goose with some of your teeth still attached to it. See answer b.


Only test at home kids.

This test was fabricated by a monkey with an inconveniently oversized brain.
It must not be taken seriously. Even though if you are reading this you probably are somewhat clinically psychotic and you best get cat nip for your cat or it may not talk to you anymore. Satan compels you.

P.S. Don't smoke crack...with a spoon


5. Konishika ash a nono la faka la ba ma nashetala ka?


A. What?
B. Yes I would like some cookies.
C. Shut up!
D. Nami fee I go KO no by la sha Rae DA
E. Yo mamma


If this test is still making any sense you are Crazy!


6. What would you like for a snack?



A. Chicken butt
B. Irish feet
C. Hot smoking coals
D. Long stretchy pieces of sun burned skin and mountain dew
E. Angel's wings


If you chose skin and mountain dew you are Crazy! Mountain dew? Eeooow yuck.


7. If you had one wish you would wish for:



A. Mountain dew
B. A truck of bird poo
C. Poo on you
D. Slimy squid tentacles wrapped in a thick gooey layer of mucus.
E. Service from verizon wireless


Eeeeeeoooow yuck verizon wireless.


8. If you could go to any "when" you would go:



A. To the future
B. To the past
C. When verizon wireless collapses
D. When verizon wireless collapses onto mountain dew
E. A few minutes ago when I was not reading this.


If you chose "E" you are quite smart. If "D" then you are brilliant. If "C" then you must be hoping mountain dew collapses onto verizon wireless, I understand. Any other answer is unacceptable! UNACCEPTABLE!!

You should stop reading this now. I will keep writing but it would be to your best interest for you to stop. Immediately. Before any more detrimental blows are dealt to your brain.


Decided to stay, you are crazy!



9. Do you have any bad habits, do you...



A. Bite your nails
B. Bite your feet
C. Bite other peoples' feet
D. Fortuitously invoke Satan to join you in delightful feet biting excavations.
E. Smoke crack with a spoon


There is a simple and easy solution to end all these officious pesky annoying little things that you do. You just stop doing them (put the Twinkie down get the feet out of the mouth) get up and go to the couch for some TV and junk food, you lazy bastard.

Or if you are too lazy even to not do something (you lazy bastard) then there is another alternative for lazy bastards just like you.

You have what is generally known as L.A.B.S. syndrome (lazy ass bastard syndrome) found through years of observation and experimentation. By "generally known", I mean known to me, and by "concocted through experiment and observation", I mean just now made in my head.

You could....



A. Stop doing them
B. Keep doing them so much that you stop
C. Put a small firearm to the side of your head and....
D. Get a donkey a saddle and ride around in circles for thirty minutes.
E. Repeat step d. when necessary as many times as necessary.


Time to add up your score.


10. How many times where you confused?

A. Never
B. Once
C.Twice
D. What?
E. Where are my cookies?


Do you still like Verizon wireless?

What about mountain dew? Crazy lazy bastard!

Add the times you got angry to the amps of volume of your stereo and the brightness of your television divide by the color of your skin and do a little dance.

You have been officially admitted to the board of the crazies.

You may keep dancing if you like.

I said KEEP DANCING!

A small robot has been designed for you and should fit snuggly inside the left side of your brain. Another should be collecting all the spoons from your house and replacing them with mind control cookies. Or just normal cookies.

Enjoy the cookies. He..He..He...!!!

Offline Alpha-Omega

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LMAO-A Job With A Behavioral Attributes Requirement
« Reply #234 on: March 13, 2008, 11:41:08 PM »
I so love these jobs sent bt Alabama Power....I troubleshoot their systems often....Scroll down and I swear this is the ONLY COMPANY with a BEHAVIORAL ATTRIBUTES REQUIREMENT....LOL

APC0308035 -- Environmental Affairs Specialist/Chemist-- Quality Control Dept (Calera, Alabama- just south of Birmingham)
Company: Alabama Power Company


Environmental Affairs Specialist/Chemist -- Quality Control Dept.
Location: Calera, Alabama (just south of Birmingham)


JOB SUMMARY

This positions provides the opportunity to perform quality control functions associated with the various laboratory programs.  This includes sample receipt, tracking, validation, and reporting; sample kit preparation; monitoring of applicable regulations governing laboratory analysis; and laboratory procedure auditing.

 

JOB REQUIREMENTS


Education Requirements:

Bachelors or Masters of Science in Chemistry, Environmental Science or Laboratory Technology is required or must obtain by May 2008. Course of study ACS approved.

 

Experience Requirements:

1 year of analytical laboratory experience preferred but open to considering a new graduate (May 2008); some quality control experience, especially in the environmental field is preferred

 

Knowledge, Skills & Abilities:

Knowledge of water chemistry

Knowledge of quality control techniques

Excellent communications skills, both written and oral

Good computer skills with ability to use Microsoft Access and Excel

Knowledge of State, Local, and Federal Environmental Laws governing drinking water, wastewater, and hazardous waste monitoring.

 

Behavioral Attributes:

Southern Style Behaviors (unquestionable trust, total committment, superior performance) including excellent customer relations

 

Alabama Power, a subsidiary of Southern Company, is an electric energy provider recognized for its quality, reliability, competitive prices and economic-development efforts.



Offline Alpha-Omega

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General Ways to Annoy People-ONLY FOR EXPERTS!!!!!!
« Reply #235 on: March 14, 2008, 11:42:12 PM »
General Ways to Annoy People



Accuse people of "glue sniffing addictions" in public.
Add blank entries to a list, to make it look like it's longer.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles.
Announce when you're going to the bathroom.
Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!".
Any time a member of the opposite sex tries to talk to you, hold your hand up to prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you."
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. Then eat raw potatoes.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
As people talk, smell their shoulders.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
Ask people what gender they are.
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!"
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you."
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."
Be "in conference" all the time.
Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"
Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways.
Bring 15 things into the dressing room.
Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is "Just better quality"
Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
Buy it, wear it, return it.
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Call every girl you know "dude".
Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonalds.
Call everyone a communist.
Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
Call other people "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as "Coach."
Call someone and ask for someone that you know is not there then hang up. Call again about a half hour latter and ask for the same person then hang up again. Wait another half hour and call again and ask for that person again and then hang up again and wait a hour and call the same number and say that you are the person that you have been calling for and ask if you had any messages.
Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."
Call your neighbors collect.
Change Channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Chew on pens/pncils that you've borrowed.
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Claim you are fluent in over 6 million forms of communication - constantly, every time any language is mentioned, even if the comment is not directed to you
Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.
Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.
Close your eyes and start snoring whenever anyone tries to talk to you.
Consistently refer to everyone as 'mortal.'
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.
Continually try to get all of the people who write you letters to put cellophane tape over their stamps so that you can wipe off the postmark and reuse them.
Continue to ask someone, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.
Continuously mumble during a conversation.
Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough air in there?"
Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa.
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Develop strategies for cutting into the front of lines.
Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Don't clean the dryer lint screen.
Don't leave a message at the beep, just hangup.
Don't rewind videocassettes before bringing them back.
Don't stand during hymns and anthems.
dont use any punctuation
Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.
Draw mustaches on posters.
Dress like a "High-class rich person" and wash windows at random street corners.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Drive half a block.
Drum on every available surface.
Drum your fingers during other people's presentations.
Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet.
Eat produce at the market; don't buy it.
E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren't actually there.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
Every time you see a particular coworker, shout, "So we meet again!" and laugh evilly.
Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.
Face the back when standing in an elevator.
Fart in cramped places.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".
Finish other people's crossword puzzles
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Flirt with a friend's spouse, lick your lips slowly, wink, etc.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel.
Force everyone to remove their shoes when they enter your office "to prevent contamination."
Forget the pooper scooper.
“Forget” the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Frantically change the date on people's computers back 50 years, and claim that you are trying to save humanity from the "Year 2000 Bug."
Get to know a friends bookie and place bets for them. Insist on keeping half of any money they win.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
Give little kids clothes for their birthdays
Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.
Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"
Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in buying shoes and leave.
Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper.
Go up the down escalator.
Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.
Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town.
Hang around national monuments all day, trying to get in other people's vacation photos. Afterwards, give them your address and ask them to send you a print when they get them developed.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
Hold the elevator until you have finished your conversation.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
In an office, lock all the doors behind you.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
Insist on buying airplane tickets for friends to "save them money." Make sure the plane departs at 5AM and the tickets are non-refundable. Point out that you didn't really save them any money.
Insist on giving weather forecasts in public. Claim to be AMS certified.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.
Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.
Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com
Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads.
Leave pages in the copier.
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April.
Leave the toilet seat up
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Leave your Metallica CD in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Leave your pantyhose hanging in the shower.
Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the parking lot.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Let doors slam behind you -- in other people's faces.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Lie to your therapist.
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!"
Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Make scary faces at babies.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." (Hmmm, I guess our President has already co-opted this idea!)
Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.
Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else's)
Mow your lawn with scissors.
Name your dog "Dog."
Never break eye contact.
Never make eye contact.
Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.
On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.
On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.
On buses, attempt to convince the driver to take a really cool short-cut you know. Barter and haggle for your fare.
On the public bus, keep asking the driver nervously, "are we there yet?"
only type in lowercase.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
Open umbrellas in crowded hallways.
Order a pizza and ask them if they can "please put the crust on top this time" in an exasperated voice.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Outloud say "What?" and then answer "Never mind. It's gone now."
Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Pay tolls with $100 bills
Pee in the swimming pool.
Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.
Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one you want.
Place your shoes on the table.
Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!
Plead with the person next to you for the window seat on the plane, and then get up fifteen or twenty times during the course of the flight complaining that you should have taken two spoonsful of "The Pink Stuff".
Poke anyone near you and say, "stop violating my personal space."
Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are "just reorganizing things."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Practice the art of limp handshakes
Press the "power" button on on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely, claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment.
Pretend you are invisible.
Pretend you have gone completely deaf.
Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.
Pretend you're listening.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of FBI copyright warnings.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Put everyone on speakerphone.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
Race the old woman for the last bus seat.
Rain on someone's parade.
Read over other people's shoulders on the bus.
Rearrange the keys on associates' keyboards to spell unflattering things about their mothers.
Recite every song from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy.
Recite Shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet.
Recite the first 100 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.
Remove single socks from laundry machines at public laundromats. Replace them bright red scarves which are especially prone to bleeding.
Repeat everything someone says as a question.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Ride a unicycle to work.
Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic; then cut in.
Run around holding your elbows and asking people to please take the straightjacket off you.
Run through the halls of your office building or school with your arms outstretched, making airplane noises. Periodically crash into pedestrians and lose a wing. Spiral to a crash and repeat.
Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.
Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural."
See if you can be the first one off the plane, even if you are sitting by the window.
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your agency's programs. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Send emails to listserv when nobody else can
Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like "If you don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly" and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle.
Serve corn on the cob to people with dentures.
Serve TV dinners, wine coolers, and Twinkies on Thanksgiving.
Set alarms for random times.
Shake with your left hand.
Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Sing along at the opera.
Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team.
Slap people and tell them to stop grabbing your ass.
Smell smoke often and announce it.
Snap your gum.
Sniffle incessantly.
Speak in a strong Welsh accent.
Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your "free" refills.
Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2.
Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor's lawn.
Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while you're at it, leave the cap off.
Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
Start to build a Star Destroyer. Build a mock-up out of popsicle sticks.
Step on the back of the shoe of the person in front of you.
Step on the heels of the person in front of you, and ask them to watch where they're going.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Surprise old friend's by visiting them at 3AM "to discuss old times".
Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's.
Tailgate the elderly.
Take more than 10 items to the express checkout lane
Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's house.
Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.
Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly.
Tape a blank piece of typing paper to your dorm or office door and leave it up for ages; when someone finally writes on it, yell at them and tell them to please not deface your property.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.
Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin.
Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus.
Tell people that they're "putting on weight nicely."
Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweatpants.
Tell people they have bad breath.
Tell small children that they don't look very promising.
Tell teenagers how things were in your day.
Tell the ending of movies
Throw an Oh Henry in a public pool.
Throw newspapers back at paperboys.
Throw stones at people walking past your house.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Touch strangers.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.
Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band.
Use the last square of toilet paper and do not change the roll.
Vacuum your lawn. (Or preferably somebody else's)
Wait until you get to work to shave.
Walk around at the casino, looking at people's hands and giving them advice loudly. "Wow, that's a GOOD one!" or "Get rid of the nine; you've got a pair of kings!"
Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.
Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"
Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.
Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant.
Walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you, move in front of them when the try.
Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
Wear a lot\of cologne.
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Wear alarming combinations of pink and green and comment about everybody else's fashion sense.
Wear large hats during the movies.
Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.
Wear odd shoes.
Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.
Wear your pants backwards.
When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining.
When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card. (This works best if there's a line.)
When at dinner at a fancy restaurant, keep blowing out the candle in the middle of the table, and blame it on your date.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
When giving directions, leave out a turn or two.
When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.
When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."
When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off.
When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.
When it says, "Reserved Parking", this means you.
When people ask you to do things, mutter under your breath, "This won't be neccessary where you are going."
When riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, “Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?”
When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."
When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.
When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.
When walking, talk to yourself constantly.
When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!".
Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."
Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke.
Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.
Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?"
Whenever someone lights a cigarette, tackle the person and yell "Stop, drop, and roll!"
While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.
While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" for no apparent reason.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive and put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
While walking make car noises loudly (Such as changing gears).
Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.


Offline Alpha-Omega

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Annoying Things To Say To Other People


Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!
I work for the IRS.
Have you ever tried cat meat?
I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.
I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!
The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!
I puked on the last person who flew next to me.
My butt reeeally itches!
Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!
My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.
The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.
Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?
Wanna see my tonsils? I keep them in a jar.
I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?
The doctors say that my eighth personality is the least dangerous.
Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!
Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!
Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not!
This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.
Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!
If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up.
Wanna buy a gerbil?
Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right behind the Savior David!
Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off.
Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the border!
I've just been treated for tapeworms.
Don Knotts is my favorite actor!
I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.
The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago.
Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?
I collect aluminum foil.
Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!
I work in a landfill.
I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience.
I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!
I work on a Japanese whaling ship.
We're planning on leaving our bodies and meeting with the mother ship next Tuesday -- wanna come?



Offline Alpha-Omega

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Methods of Mathematical Proof
« Reply #237 on: March 15, 2008, 11:06:07 PM »
Methods of Mathematical Proof

Proof by obviousness
"The proof is so clear that it need not be mentioned."

Proof by general agreement
"All in favor?..."

Proof by imagination
"Well, we'll pretend it's true..."

Proof by convenience
"It would be very nice if it were true, so..."

Proof by necessity
"It had better be true, or the entire structure of mathematics would crumble to the ground."

Proof by plausibility
"It sounds good, so it must be true."

Proof by intimidation
"Don't be stupid; of course it's true."

Proof by lack of sufficient time
"Because of the time constraint, I'll leave the proof to you."

Proof by postponement
"The proof for this is long and arduous, so it is given in the appendix."

Proof by accident
"Hey, what have we here?!"

Proof by insignificance
"Who really cares, anyway?"

Proof by profanity
**** **** **** **** QEf***ingD

Proof by definition
"We define it to be true."

Proof by tautology
'It's true because it's true."

Proof by plagiarism
"As we see on page 289..."

Proof by lost reference
"I know I saw it somewhere..."

Proof by calculus
"This proof requires calculus, so we'll skip it."

Proof by terror
When intimidation fails ...

Proof by lack of interest
"Does anyone really want to see this?"

Proof by illegibility
(scribble, scribble) QED

Proof by logic
"If it is on the problem sheet, then it must be true!"

Proof by majority rule
Only to be used if general agreement is impossible.

Proof by clever variable choice
"Let A be the number such that this proof works..."

Proof by tessellation
"This proof is the same as the last."

Proof by divine word
"And the Lord said, 'Let it be true,' and it was true."

Proof by stubbornness
"I don't care what you say-it is true!"

Proof by simplification
"This proof reduces to the statement 1 + 1 = 2."

Proof by hasty generalization
"Well, it works for 17, so it works for all reals."

Proof by deception
"Now everyone turn their backs..."

Proof by supplication
"Oh please, let it be true."

Proof by poor analogy
"Well, it's just like..."

Proof by avoidance
Limit of proof by postponement as it approaches infinity.

Proof by design
If it's not true in today's math, invent a new system in which it is.

Proof by authority
"Well, Don Knuth says it's true, so it must be!"

Proof by intuition
"I just have this gut feeling..."
 
 

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Various Defintions of PhD
« Reply #238 on: March 15, 2008, 11:07:41 PM »
PhD MEans...
* Patiently hoping for a Degree
* Piled higher and Deeper
(after BS = Bullsh..., MS = More of the Same...)
* Professorship? hah! Dream on!
* Please hire. Desperate.
* Physiologically Deficient
* Pour him (or her) a Drink
* Philosophically Disturbed
* Probably headed for Divorce
* Pathetically hopeless Dweeb
* Probably heavily in Debt
* Parents have Doubts
* Professors had Doubts
* Pheromone Deprived
* Probably hard to Describe
* Patiently headed Downhill...
* Permanent head Damage
* Pulsating heaving Disaster?
* Pretty homely Dork
* Potential heavy Drinker
* Professional hamburger Dispenser... "Would you like fries with that?"
* Post hole Digger
* Professional hair Dresser
* Piano hauling Done
* Pizza hut Driver
* Pretty heavily Depressed
* Prozac handouts Desired
* Pretty heavy Diploma
* Phinally Done !!
 
 

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Physics Product Warnings
« Reply #239 on: March 15, 2008, 11:11:31 PM »
Physics Product Warning s

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force
Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the
Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million
Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged
Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per
Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for
the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is
and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its
Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including
Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any
Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of
the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May
Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No
Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will
Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a
"Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power
Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999%
Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is TenDimensional. However, the Consumer Is
Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to
Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into
Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is
Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only
in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons,
etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect
as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the
Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This
Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should
Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That
Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
 
 

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