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Offline Alpha-Omega

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LOL LOL-The Solution-I Have Done This!!!
« Reply #240 on: March 15, 2008, 11:15:03 PM »

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid "A". They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends.

They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.

Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.

The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved. At the final, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy."

The next problem was worth 95 Points. It asked: "Which tire?"

Offline Alpha-Omega

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« Reply #241 on: March 15, 2008, 11:27:23 PM »
This is from all my best friends in Texas....They have a different slant on things...LOL


* You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

* You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

* You can make instant sun tea.

* You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

* The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly...

* You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

* You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

* You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

* Hot water now comes out of both taps.

* It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

* You actually burn your hand opening the car door...

* You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

* No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning...

* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.


* The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

* The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

* Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.


* The cows are giving evaporated milk.

* The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

* A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."


* A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, we got 'bout two and a half inches of that." 

Offline Alpha-Omega

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The Banana Test
« Reply #242 on: March 16, 2008, 10:57:45 AM »
The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall Palm tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. 

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana of the tree.

Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year

Offline Alpha-Omega

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A Woman's Mind!!!!
« Reply #243 on: March 16, 2008, 04:37:12 PM »
A Woman's Mind

Transparent, structured & easy-to-understand explanation of how the female mind works!

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Blonde Deodorant-LMAO!!!!
« Reply #244 on: March 16, 2008, 04:39:40 PM »
Blonde Deodorant

A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, “One moment please, I will get the chemist.”

The chemist looks at the blonde and says, “Can I help you miss?”

“I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please,” says the blonde.

“I'm sorry,” says the chemist, “we don't have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?”

“Yes!” said the blonde, “I'll go home and get it.”

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the her, “This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant.”

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Einsteinium-with Class and Stylin'
« Reply #245 on: March 16, 2008, 07:11:35 PM »
Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.

"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?''

So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer

"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"
« Last Edit: March 17, 2008, 02:04:35 AM by Alpha-Omega »

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Follow My Directions
« Reply #246 on: March 16, 2008, 07:13:25 PM »
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Computers: Male or Female?
« Reply #247 on: March 16, 2008, 07:20:28 PM »
Reasons to Believe Computers are Male

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

A better model is right around the corner.

They look attractive -- until you take them home.

Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

Reasons to Believe Computers are Female

No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory.

The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.

The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know what is wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Types of Students-So Which Type are YOU!!!!!!
« Reply #248 on: March 18, 2008, 06:30:01 PM »
The Over Achiever - We all know this one.

The Comedian - One of these in every class; some good, some bad. If you're lucky, you'll get the good kind. If you have no such good fortune, you'll get a guy who badly copies Letterman one-liners and of course, asks terrible jokes of his 'own', ala: "Ever notice how Greenland is icy and Iceland is green?" Terrible, terrible, terrible.

The Girl With the Weird Name - Ya know this one.. first day of class, professor is calling roll.. he says "Z-.." and looks up with a puzzled expression, and some girl red in the face says, "Zaprena", or something to that effect.

The Gothic - Wears a black trenchcoat, has black hair, paints his fingernails black. You'd think he wants to be black, but really he just wants to be dead!

The Quiet Girl - Never talks, probably masquerades as a superhero on weekends.

The Guy on the Cell Phone - Self Explanatory, frequents all walks of life.

The Challenger - Challenges every point made in class. Just like the doomed space shuttle, when something goes wrong, he blows up.

The Feminazi - Hates men, Advocate for female equality.

The Born Again and Again and Again Christian - Can be male or female. Stands outside right before every class passing out fliers for his or her religious student center. Makes stance on Abortion, the Vatican, and the rival denomination known. The fliers make good paper airplanes, but that just doesn't seem to impress chicks at the college level.

The Really Nice Guy/Girl - Patient, tolerant, open, sympathetic and friendly, this guy/girl seems to have the saintly qualities of Mother Teresa. Available to talk at any time, about anything, they are incapable of anger or frustration, to the point that their warmth and patience seem over-done. At times they can seem to be "too perfect", but you can't help admire the effort they make for others.

The Environmental Protestor - Global warming, saving whales, caging animals, keeping the world "green", globalisation. An environmental fanatic, this vegan has been to every protest held within the last ten years. Their stationery is covered with the classic "Meat is MURDER", "No More Nukes", "Greenpeace" and "Free Mother Earth" stickers. They converse mainly with like-minded types, and mostly about "the rape of the planet". More than likely, this individual will own and use a motor vehicle and shop at multinationally owned stores, and will preach their green gospel to anyone who'll give them the time of day.

The Under Achiever - Gotta love this one. Just sits in the very VERY back of the class and appears to be zoned out the whole time.

The Apathetic Upperclassmen - Usually come in pairs, two seniors or juniors who just want to pass with a D and proceed to cut up for a large amount of the class.

The Horny Boyfriend/Girlfriend Pair - These two sit together, usually with the guy right behind the girl, and the guy proceeds to poke and tickle the girl during the whole class.

The Intruder - The guy that sits next to the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Pair and attempts to get in on the action. This guy's usually a loser.

The Zealot - This guy has an intellectual orgasm everytime he catches the professor in a slight mistake. Takes the class way too seriously; as if he'll get crucified if he doesn't get an A. Thinks he's a Chemical Engineer in 4300 Calculus when he's probably a Communication major and he's in freshman level math.

The Homosexual - Simple enough.. but there are two kinds. One keeps to himself, the other attempts to use the class as a platform to propagate his homosexuality and such.

The Lesbian - Same as #17, but 'herself' and 'her' for 'himself' and 'his'.

The Lesbian Couple - Every guy's dream.

The Homosexual Couple - Every guy's nightmare.

The Future Attorney - Argues every point made in class to the point where everyone starts throwing books at him.

The Addict - Starts fiending and shaking, usually for cigarettes but sometimes for harder drugs, halfway through class.

The Retro Jock - This guy wears his letterjacket from high school football to class everyday, even in 90 Degree Weather; can't seem to let go of high school.

Theater Queen - Aspires to be on Broadway someday; Auditions for every school play and lands every lead role but never realizes there's no one in the audience. Speaks in a melodramtic, emphatic voice, hoping a Theater King (Who doesn't exist) will notice her.

The Beauty Queen - Walks, talks, acts, and dresses like a slut, without concern for rain nor temperature. Can be cool in winter weather because the cold makes the nipples stand at attention. Not that I notice that or anything though.

The Guy Who Just Woke Up and Rolled Out of Bed - Shows up 5 minutes late to class in the clothes he wore last night. Sleeps through the class.

Annoying Older-Than-Average Student - There is always some 50+ year old person who comes to class with either a briefcase or a some sort of macrom`ed bag, is ultra-organized, brings a casette recorder to lectures, and feels a sense of equality with the instructor because of their closeness in age. This person tends to think that each lecture is his or her own conversation with the instructor and robs the other students of their time and tuition money.

The guy who shoots down everyone's ideas just because he knows that when people have confidence in themselves, they start making their shitty ideas known more often.

The Cro-Magnon Guy - This guy stopped caring about what people thought of him a LONG time ago. Dressing in whatever clothes are closest at hand, this character will wander the campus between classes, repelling at close range with his grimy, unwashed stench and lice-ridden hair, while revolting at a distance with antics that closely resemble the preening activities of primates.

The Creepy, Clinging Guy - This guy has always struggled for friends in spite of his endless efforts to make them. Any notice you take of him is something he gladly looks for, and if you show even the slightest recognition of his presence, you will automatically be identified as a friend, with a view to being a best friend. He exudes a "creepiness" which seems to come from the sheer desperation with which he undertakes to find a friend who'll abide his "clingy" nature.

The Guy You Love To Hate - There doesn't seem to be any identifiable reason why you dislike this guy, but he seems to possess an aura, a quality about himself that you can't stand. Despite your efforts to rationalize your dislike this guy, and a brief attempt to even LIKE him, you find yourself repulsed by some unseen force. This guy is mocked and teased by everyone, a pariah that you pity, but only from a distance.

The Debater - This character is annoying at best. They will involve themselves in an argument with anyone about anything until they feel they've either won a point, or until their opposition concedes, either out of boredom or yield to their undying argumentative energy. There is no topic/theme too small for a debate. In fact, the more pedantic the debate, the more tenacity with which they put forth their point of view. Tend to befriend like-minded debaters and spend much of their time arguing about the most childish of things. These characters tend to excel at public speaking and drama.

Attention whores - They're one of the few cases in which the male version is worse than the female.

On Edge Dude - This is the dude that always comes racing into class just as it's about to begin, sweating like he's just run a freakin marathon. He sits through the whole class with one leg bobbing up and down like he can't wait for class to be over with. He bolts right as class ends. On Edge Dude is the guy who is always described by others like this: "I don't know anything about that guy, but he's really wierd". On Edge Dude seems like a serial murderer waiting to happen.

The Old Dude - The old dudes always struggle because after years of working in a factory, they want to go back to college to get the degree again. They always talk to people like they know what they're saying, but they don't since they haven't had any use for school work in 25 years. They either try to become friends with the teacher or hit on the ugly chick that no one else is desperate enough to hit on.

Stress Girl - Ya know this kind.. Overstresses on every paltry assignment to the point of insanity.

The Perpetually Stoned Dude - This guy is such a staple on college campus that he's always represented in any college movie.

The Guy Who Got Here From Prep School - This guy went to a ritzy private school and you didn't. The funny thing is, you both ended up at the same college, but in his universe he still has the right to look down his nose at you. He also thinks that the looks he's getting from girls are admiration for the cut of his sweater, but really it's revulsion.

The Pimp Masta' - This character thinks college is only for picking up bitches. The good news: He'll be gone by next semester. The bad news: Some other idiot with the same idea will replace him.

The Sheltered Child - This is the one whose parents didn't want them exposed to any bad stuff. They've never gotten drunk, or high, or had sex, and frankly they don't want to. They are also the ones who inevitably end up drunk, dead, or knocked up at a fraternity party.

The Dorm Animal - This character is at every dorm party, hangs out in everyone else's dorm room 24/7, and usually can tell you exactly who on campus has drugs/television/cliff notes. Everyone on campus knows him. Nobody, however, can actually remember seeing him in a class.

The Advocate - This character has a cause. The secret to defeating the Advocate is to listen politely for 20 seconds, request whatever material he or she may be handing out, and mumble agreement. If you attempt to walk on by, you will be followed and forced to endure a lengthy diatribe about "the cause". Never, under any circumstances, attempt to engage an advocate in debate about "the cause" because you will never, ever, ever convince them that their viewpoint is wrong and you will be late for your class that starts sometime next week. Potential counterploy: If an advocate is persistent, and of the same sex as you, you can stop them dead by asking them if they would like to continue this discussion over a candelit dinner at your place. Should not be used on gay rights advocates unless that's your thing.

The Somewhat Confused Ex-Goth - The SCEG doesn't know what to do. She gets off on being "out" of the popular crowd, but has discovered that here at college she's below-average on the wierd scale. And everyone who's less wierd is in a sorority now, so she has no clue how to behave. Not being hated by the general masses is confusing, and so she sort of hangs out on dorm room steps waiting for someone to give her s#*$, but nobody ever does because at least 25% of the people on campus are exactly the same.

The Depressed Guy Who's Going To Drop Out Before The End of the Semester

The Foreign Exchange Student

The Girl Who Thinks People Care

The Fat Girl

The Oppressed Minority

Fraternity guys

Sorority girls


Involved with everything guy

Those damn girls that jump on their cell phone the second class is over. I swear to god I step out the door from class and 15 girls are yacking away to their boyfriend that they love so very much who is probably with another girl.

Oh yeah, and for college parties there are these types:
The Kegstand King
The Recluse
The Cigarette Bum
The Sneak - Sneaks his way into getting at least one hit of every joint/bowl smoked at a party, sometimes with promises of future repayment.
The Underage Kid - runs away when the campus police come.
The Innocent Girl - doesn't stay innocent for long

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Tips On Building A Resume
« Reply #249 on: March 18, 2008, 06:41:30 PM »
Tips On Building A Resume

Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for
dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get
you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus

THE NAME: Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit.
Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that
might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards"
O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.

THE ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead!
Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails.
Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!

THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip it. What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000
to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate
somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never
put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some
interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.

THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You know
what I mean:"Seeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art
technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is
doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell
them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my
dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes
every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in
the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way
into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off
40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low-
paying, dead-end, back-office position."

EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where
you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe
side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a
prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list
under your education credits: "BA in Watersports Administration,
Massatucky State, 1993... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear
Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."

EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience.
But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational
database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system...
Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience:
high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So
if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies.
Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience
you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food
Giant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-
code inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for
graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much
Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-
availability multimedia environment." Most employers can pick that
one off as watching too much MTV.

THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request?" What kind of power-
close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation:
Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll
remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know
where you live." 

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Letters Of Recommendation
« Reply #250 on: March 18, 2008, 06:46:27 PM »
Letters Of Recommendation

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Doesn't suffer fools gladly: Rude and abrasive.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand solitary
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinion
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Best of Blonde Inventions
« Reply #251 on: March 19, 2008, 11:18:44 PM »
Blonde Inventions
1) The water-proof towel

2) Solar powered flashlight

3) Submarine screen door

4) A book on how to read

5) Inflatable dart board

6) A dictionary index

7) Ejector seat in a helicopter

8) Powdered water

9) Pedal-powered wheel chair

10) Water-proof tea bag

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Scientific Phrases
« Reply #252 on: March 21, 2008, 02:14:21 PM »
Scientific Phrases

"It has long been known" - I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident" - These data are practically meaningless.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" - An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" - The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown" - 1 This is the prettiest graph. 2 The best results are shown.

"These results will be in a subsequent report" - I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"In my experience" - Once.

"In case after case" - Twice.

"In a series of cases" - Thrice.

"It is believed that" - I think.

"It is generally believed that" - A couple of others think so, too.

"Correct within an order of magnitude" - Wrong.

"According to statistical analysis" - Rumor has it.

"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings" - A wild guess.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data" - Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs" - 1 I don't understand it. 2 I need more grant money. 3 I can get at least one more paper out of this.

"After additional study by my colleagues" - They don't understand it either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" - Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A highly significant area for exploratory study" - A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"Accidentally stained during mounting" - Accidentally dropped on the floor.

"Handled with extreme care during the experiments" - Not dropped on the floor.

"Presumably at longer times" - I didn't take the time to find out.

"The best values were those of Jones" - He was a student of mine.

"It might be argued that" - I have such a good answer for this objection that I want to be sure I get to use it.

"This paper will omit a review of the more recent literature in favor of" - I don't know if anything has been written on this since my dissertation.

"Various authorities agree" - I overheard this in the hall.

"It is suggested that" - I wonder if...

"The implications are clear." - The implications are not clear (or I would have specified what they are).

"It was observed that" - One of my students noticed that.

"No discussion would be complete without reference to the contributions of" - I need another footnote on this page.

"Of great theoretical and practical importance" - Of interest to me"

"This research has left many questions unanswered." - I didn't find anything of significance.

"This finding has not yet been incorporated into general theory" - Perhaps my next graduate student will make sense of it.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" - I quit.


Offline Alpha-Omega

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Real Life is Often Funnier Than Fiction
« Reply #253 on: March 23, 2008, 02:44:00 PM »
Stories for the Missouri News!!!!!

The Oreo Defense Used in Conn. Speeding Case .  The driver, Vonkummer, told the trooper that an Oreo had just slipped from his fingers as he dunked it in a cup of milk, and that he was trying to fish it out when he lost control of his car.  Prosecutors learned in court this week that Vonkummer had been charged with speeding and driving under a suspended license — not driving under the influence, as a clerk had mistakenly noted in the court records.  Blame it on the Oreo!!
Home bipolar disorder test causes stirs  ...  SAN DIEGO - Dr. John Kelsoe has spent his career trying to identify the biological roots of bipolar disorder. In December, he announced he had discovered several gene mutations closely tied to the disease, also known as manic depression.  When Kelsoe, a prominent psychiatric geneticist at the University of California, San Diego, did something provocative for the buttoned-down world of academic medical research: He began selling bipolar genetic tests straight to the public over the Internet last month for $399.

More...IN THE NEWS:   After searching the residence and storage shed of a man they had just arrested, police found 1,500 pairs of shoes.  The shoes had been taken from two or three high schools.  The man takes shoes because he likes to "smell them"....yucko.  I have to wonder, does he take shoes because of their availability instead of socks which would have a "lovely" fragrance, too?  Now, the article didn't say if this seriously disturbed man just took girl's shoes or he hit the boys locker room, too.  Now, I've heard of fetishes, but this is taking it way over the edge.  Bet this Bozo would be a "panty sniffer" if given the opportunity.  We could run a donation charity event for this guy, begging women for their dirty underwear.   My dogs would be disappointed.  Then, he wouldn't have to break the law to satisfy his "yen".  I wonder if we could just pack the dirty underwear all together in a box or if we would need to bag them individually in Ziplock Sandwich baggies.....wonder if he would like a particular style?  Granny panties would prob be OUT, so my underwear is safe.....after we git the donation box organized how ever the best way is going to be to do it, then we could throw in a couple pair of well used tennis shoes and some gamey socks for dessert.....

The Japanese and their technology.  They have invented a robot with a synthetic face.  This face shows emotions associated with specific words and words that are similar.  They had a pic of the face showing "joy" at the word "love".  Looked more like pain to me, than "joy".  The title to the article was Japanese Robot loves Sushi hates President.    This is the first line to the article:  "Kansei (means sensibility) frowns when he hears the word "bomb," smiles at "sushi" and looks scared and disgusted when someone says "president" -- and he isn't even human"
The article goes on to say:  "The robot has 19 movable parts underneath the silicone face mask. When the robot hears the word "president," the online database picks up associated words such as "Bush," "war" and "Iraq" and creates an expression which the researchers said is meant to mix fear and disgust."
I don't like living in a country where our president is so universally hated and that includes a huge majority within BOTH parties of the US.....however, I wouldn't want to live any other place....we'll be shed of him in a couple years.   The next president (Democrat, of course) is going to have a lot to do in, hopefully, two terms to fix what Bush screwed up and THEN to implement programs for the good of the US citizens and worldwide.
"Can you identify those panties, Ma'am?"...Was the title of another article that definitely caught my eye.  Some thief from around a college has stolen $6,000 worth of panties from individuals.  The cops have apprehended a suspect, of the Asian variety, and taken pics of the panties which they show women to see if they can identify them.  However, the women can't git their underwear back until the thief is prosecuted....If found guilty is he going to have to walk around New York "square" wearing panties on his head....wear a shirt made from them?  Wear the panties in the proper area....without jock strap?  My imagination soars...
Florida, just one section of it, is being over run by a breed of an African rat that gits as big as a cat.  It weighs from six to nine pounds and has a pouch like a kangaroo.  The powers that be are going to try to put out a lot of poison to kill them.  These huge rats provide a very real prob for the eco-systems and they are nasty dirty.  Wait until you hear how this strain of rat, no other place in the US, got started.  It all started in one house in the area.  A man had smuggled some of the rats into the US, they are illegal, and had been breeding....I guess he got tired of it and turned them loose....and you KNOW how rodents prolifically breed!   Worse than rabbits!!!

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Guide To Southern Talk
« Reply #254 on: March 24, 2008, 05:11:29 PM »
And this is accurate and correct and has been added to my vocabulary per my 5.5 years in Texas:

Guide To Southern Talk

The Southern vocabulary is similar to the rest of the Nation's - it only sounds different. The following is a sample to help all Yankees, in hope that it will teach them how to talk right.

Ah - The things you see with.

Aig - Which came first, the chicken or the aig?

Arn - An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.

Ay-rab - The people who inhabit much of North Africa.

Bawl - What water does.

Bidness - The art of selling something for more than you paid for it.

Bobbycue - A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw, and a fiery sauce.

Bud - Small feathered creature that flies.

Cheer - A piece of furniture used for sitting.

Chekatawfarya - Heard at service stations in small

Southern towns.

Co-Cola - Soft drink.

Crine - Weeping.

Dawfins - Name of the professional football team in


Daints - A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the south of music.

Doc - A condition caused by the absence of light.

Etlanna - The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence.

Everthang - All-encompassing.

Far - A state of combustion that produces heat and light.

Foller - Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this.

Git - To acquire.

Goff- A game played with clubs and a little white ball.

Gull - A young female.

Hale - Where General Sherman went for what he did to Etlanna.

Hep - To aid or benefit.

Idinit - "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

Keer - To be concerned.

Lieberry - A building containing thousands of literary works.

Moanin - Between daybreak and noon.

Motuhsickle - A two-wheeled missile with a powerful engine.

Munts - The 12 units into which the calendar year is divided.

Nawth - Any part of the country outside of the South.

Nekkid - To be unclothed.

Ovair - In that direction.

Own - Instead of awf.

Phrasin - Very cold.

Pitcher - An image, either drawn or photographed.

Sebmup - Soft drink similar to ginger ale.

Show - "It show is hot today."

Spearmint - Something scientist do.

Stow - Place where things are sold.

Tal - What you dry off with after you take a share.

Tar - Round inflatable object that sometimes goes flat.

Uhmukin - Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka.

Zackly - Precisely. 

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