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Offline Alpha-Omega

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One Night Stand or Booty Call
« Reply #30 on: January 07, 2008, 01:07:55 PM »
This One Night Stand or Booty Call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the
"Agreement") is entered into as of the _____ day of__________, 200_.THIS
AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over - UNLESS IT IS VERY GOOD AND WE NEED TO REPEAT IT IN THE MORNING.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the
Evening.

3. No calls before 9pm (we do not have anything to talk about)

4. None of that "lovemaking" stuff--strictly mind-blowing sex allowed.

5. No emotional discussions... (Ex. Where are we heading with this? Do you
Love me? - Hell no- so do not ask stupid questions.

6. No plans made in advance ... That is why you are called the "backup"
Unless you are from out of town-then its only a one time advanced
Arrangement.

7. All gifts accepted (money and diamonds are always good).

8. No baby talk (however, dirty talk is encouraged).

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers (it is really none of your
Damn business).

10. No kissing, it's too intimate (except to other body parts).

11. No calling each other "friends with benefits" (we are not friends just
Sex buddies).

12. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK (do not be offended).

13. No extra clothing (I do not want your ass leaving anything behind when
You leave).

14. No falling asleep right after sex (get your ass up and go home).

15. Don't be offended if I do not ask if you enjoyed it (I do not care).

16. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

17. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be, "My
Roommate's' girlfriend/boyfriend".

18. Doggie style preferred (just hit it hard and right or get the hell out).

19. Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better (do not want to
Look at your ass - just want to have sex with you).

20. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME (so do not keep
Calling damn it).

21. The most important one - (NO CONDOMS-NO SEX)

22. Bring your own drink (I am not your liquor store).

23. No phone usage please (do not want anyone calling back looking for your
Ass).*

EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL ONE NIGHT STANDS/BOOTY CALLS:The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, this Agreement will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. You will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

Participating Party Signature: _________________________________ Date:
__________

Participating Party Signature: _________________________________ Date:
__________
_________________


Offline Alpha-Omega

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The Value of a Catholic Education
« Reply #31 on: January 07, 2008, 01:09:06 PM »
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil
 
 You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
 
 
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
 Usually she slept through the class.
 
 One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
 
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
 
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
Behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
 
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
 
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
 
 A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
 
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnn y came to her rescue
And stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
 
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
 
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
 
 The Nun asked her a third quest ion..."What did Eve say to Adam after she
Had her twenty-third child?"
 
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
 
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing
In me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
 
 
 
The nun fainted...

Offline Alpha-Omega

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ONLY FOR SMART PEOPLE
« Reply #32 on: January 07, 2008, 01:11:16 PM »
unbelievable...
 
This is one for you smart people..

Try to read this.  I'm sure you can....but it's interesting.

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a
wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

Offline Alpha-Omega

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THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN..
« Reply #33 on: January 07, 2008, 01:14:13 PM »
The difference between "guts" and "balls":


    Guts - is arriving home late after a night out
with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a
broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

     Balls - is coming home late after a night out
with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick
on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and
having the balls to say, "You're next."

******************************************************

IT'S NOT JUST BLONDES....

Make sure your brain's engaged before you put your
mouth in gear...

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...or that you could
crawl into a hole?

These are testimonials of a few people who did.
1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you
charge for a shampoo and a blow-job?"I  turned around
and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word... he knew better.

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds
of golf balls. I was  unhappy with the women's type I
had been using. After browsing for  several minutes, I
was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I  looked at him and said, "I think
I like playing with men's balls."

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
store that sold a  variety of candy and nuts. As we
were looking at the display case, the  boy behind the
counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No,
I'm  just looking at your nuts." My sister started to
laugh hysterically, the  boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away. This my sister has
never let me forget.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my
toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran
amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I'll
tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee
last night!". The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what
they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity
and walked out of the bank  with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed  behind me
were screams of laughter.

5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems
with potty training and I was on at him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something
funny. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go
potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that
child has had an accident and don't have any clothes
with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you sure you didn't
have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that
he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny,
did you have an accident?" This time he jumped
up,yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While
30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for
the best laugh they'd ever had!

6. Here's what happens when you predict snow but
don't get any.  A true story!! We had a female news
anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me
last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

Offline Alpha-Omega

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SMART COMMENTS-IMAGINE THAT!!!!!
« Reply #34 on: January 07, 2008, 01:14:42 PM »
Smart Comments
Try using these some time...
1.   Ahhh...I see the f&#$-up fairy has visited us again...
2.   The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3.   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4.   Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5.   I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
6.   I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7.   What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8.   I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9.   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10.   Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
11.   I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12.   It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13.   No, my powers can only be used for good.
14.   How about never? Is never good for you?
15.   I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16.   You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17.   I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18.   I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19.   I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20.   Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21.   My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22.   It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23.   At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24.   You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25.   I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26.   Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Offline Arkcon

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Re: SMART COMMENTS-IMAGINE THAT!!!!!
« Reply #35 on: January 07, 2008, 03:23:06 PM »
27.  I'd like to help you, but I have no training in child psychology.  (Like all the others, it's a funny one to spring on people who weren't expecting you to be a smart@$$) :D
Hey, I'm not judging.  I just like to shoot straight.  I'm a man of science.

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Re: SMART COMMENTS-IMAGINE THAT!!!!!
« Reply #36 on: January 07, 2008, 06:11:50 PM »
28.  It is good you know your limitations.

29.  We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary."
"Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
Disclaimer: I speak for no one and no one speaks for me...


If you repeat things often enough, they become true

If you repeat things often enough, they become true.

If you repeat things often enough, they become true.


Offline Alpha-Omega

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A Blonde's Year In Review
« Reply #37 on: January 08, 2008, 12:53:22 AM »
A Blonde's Year in Review.

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was
too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels..
Helllloooo!!!..bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.. finished jigsaw puzzle
in 6 months..
box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours . power went
out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8
cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing..couldn't find a lake
wit h a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming
competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm..
car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C"...isn't
it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days . instructions
said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 . "duh"..there's no
"eleven" button
on the stupid phone!!!


THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she
went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzledby her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
« Last Edit: January 24, 2008, 12:54:17 AM by mebecker1 »

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Blonde Parks Car In Snow
« Reply #38 on: January 08, 2008, 12:54:04 AM »
Blonde Parks Car In Snow

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary . One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered s ide of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park... "then the electric power goes out. Norman 's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Offline Alpha-Omega

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OK I Might Do This-LOL
« Reply #39 on: January 08, 2008, 12:56:54 AM »
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.." he said with a deep sigh....

"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

Offline Alpha-Omega

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3 Detectives
« Reply #40 on: January 08, 2008, 12:58:03 AM »
3 Detectives
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Offline Alpha-Omega

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The Princess
« Reply #41 on: January 08, 2008, 01:03:07 AM »
Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,


"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touch! ed it, it melted.


The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance ! in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.


He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.


And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)

M&M's of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Blonde Handywoman
« Reply #42 on: January 08, 2008, 01:04:02 AM »
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself  out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
 
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if He had any odd jobs for her to do.
 
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
 
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
 
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
 
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
 
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
 
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
 
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
 
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
 
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it Two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
 
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Alabama Blonde
« Reply #43 on: January 08, 2008, 01:04:52 AM »
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.  A very
attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty
thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
 
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play  topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Southern
Girl needs new clothes!"  As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and
squealed "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"  She hugged each of the dealers...and then
picked up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at
each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral of the story: Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men... are men.


Offline Alpha-Omega

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A Blonde's Understanding of Football
« Reply #44 on: January 08, 2008, 01:05:58 AM »
Football FINALLY makes sense..

   A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

   Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

    "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!'

   I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!


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