A message from the Southern Tourism Bureau to Visiting
Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:
Behaviors that will make your visit much more pleasant
Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle
House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24
hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you
confuse them, they'll woop you.
Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie,
Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy
Joe, Billy Bob, Joe Bob, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we
will just HAVE to woop you.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a
flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up
or whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an wooping - and often does.
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also
better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer
to any group of us as a "bunch of hillbillies", or
we'll woop you. And you may be happy that we kicked
you ass when you think about the movie Deliverance,
We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI-WorldCom, MTV, Netscape, Walmart).
Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in
judgment (e.g., Edwards, Duke, Clinton). We don't care
if you think we are dumb because we know you are dumb.
Just remember, we are not dumb enough to let someone
move to our state in order to take our seat in the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would woop
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be
paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving,
we'll have no other option but to woop you.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is; we are
not dumb; see #5 above. Therefore, shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or
we'll woop you.
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone
will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your
biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. When we are
forced to go up North, we have the good sense not to
ask for okra and collard greens on one of your hero
sandwiches. And don't put sugar on your grits, or
we'll woop you.
Don't fake a Southern accent. This will almost
assuredly incite a riot, and you will get wooped
multiple times by multiple people.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home
because we know better. Many of us have had to visit
Northern cities the likes of Detroit, Chicago, and DC,
and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
it here, Delta is ready when you are; in fact, they
are even ready before you are so they can get you out
of here. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this
way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't
care if you don't understand what we are saying. All
other Southerners understand what we are saying, and
that's all that matters. If most of us had our way,
you would not be here to listen to us. Now, go away
and leave us alone, or we'll kick your butt.
Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.
None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.
If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll woop you
all the way back to Boston Harbor.
Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and
ma'am. We old doors open for others. We offer our
seats to old folks because such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll woop you
just like they did us. Where did you think we learned
all the varieties of wooping that we have perfected?
So you think we're "quaint" or "losers" because most
of us live in the countryside? That's because we have
enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly,
crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore.
Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll woop you.
Down here the sport that matters is football. Squash
is not a game; it is what happens to people in a
football game. The second most important sport is
spring football. If you insist on talking about tennis
or some other goofy game, you'll wind up with a
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and
tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your rear
end shot - after it is thoroughly and properly wooped.
You're lucky we let you come down here at all.
Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine
box. Minus your well-wooped