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Offline Alpha-Omega

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Male Bashing
« Reply #45 on: January 08, 2008, 01:08:26 AM »
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
 
      Sweatshirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
 
      He shouted to Me, "What setting do I use on the washing
Machine?"
 
      "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
 
      He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
 
        And they say blondes are dumb...
 
 
 
      -----------------------------------------------------------
 
      A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you
 
      The happiest woman in the world"
 
      The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
 
      --------------------------------
 
 
 
      "It's just too hot to wear clothes  today," Jack says as he
Stepped
        Out of    the shower, "honey, what do  you think the neighbors
 
        Would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
 
      "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
 
    _______________________________
 
 
 
      He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make
Love
       To you really badly.
 
      She said - Well, you succeeded.
 
     ______________________
 
 
 
      He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
 
      She said - That's a good ! Idea... You stand by the ironing board
 
 
      While  I sit on the sofa and fart.
 
      _______________________
 
 
 
      He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
      Gave you?
 
      She said -Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
 
   ______________________
 
 
 
      Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
 
      A: A rumor
 
      _______________________
 
 
 
      A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th
      Wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to
Them
      And said that because they had been so  good that each of them
      Could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world
 
      With her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise
Tickets
      In her hands. The husband wished for a female companion
      30 years  younger.  Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
 
      Gotta love that fairy!
 
     _________________
 
 
 
      A PRAYER....
 
      Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
 
      Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.
 
      Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
 
      AMEN
 
     ________________________________
 
      Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
 
      A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck
 
           And the noose.
 
      _________________________________
 
 
 
      Q: Why do little boys whine?
 
      A: They are practicing to be men.
 
      __________________________________
 
 
 
      Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 
      A: One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to
        Revolve around him.  OR Three. One to screw in the bulb
        And two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
 
      _________________________________
 
 
 
      Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
 
      A: Trustworthy.
 
     ________________________________
 
 
 
      Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
           For breath and calling your name?
 
      A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
 
    _________________________________
 
 
 
      Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
 
      A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
 
     __________________________________
 
      Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
Mating?
 
      A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
 
      ___________________________________
 
 
 
      Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
 
      A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
 
     _____________________________________
 
      Q: What is the difference between men and women?
 
      A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
 
      A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
 
      __________________________________
 
 
 
      Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
 
      A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Blonde Baptist Cowgirl
« Reply #46 on: January 08, 2008, 01:09:50 AM »
BLONDE BAPTIST COWGIRL
>
> A cowgirl, who is visiting South Carolina from Texas, walks into a
> bar and
>
> orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room,
> drinking a sip
>
> out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to
> the bar
>
> and orders three more.
>
> The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug
> goes flat
>
> after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
>
> The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
>
> Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
> Texas, we
>
> promised that we'd drink this way to remember
>
> the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each
> of my
>
> sisters and one for myself."
>
> The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
>
> The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
> same way.
>
>   She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
>
> One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
>
> notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second
>
> round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,
> but I
>
> wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
>
> The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in
> her
>
> eyes and she laughs.
>
> "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my
> husband
>
> and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
>
> "Hasn't affected my sisters though."

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Something To Offend Everyone
« Reply #47 on: January 08, 2008, 01:13:31 AM »
Something to Offend Everyone

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
" Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you .

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
" Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell
*BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s#*$..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides!

LMFAO!!!
 
 
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags
his tail instead of his
tongue.

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Questions on The Redneck Engineers Exam
« Reply #48 on: January 08, 2008, 01:25:37 AM »
Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
 
Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest
when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford
Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.
 
If your uncle builds a still that operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car
radiators are necessary to condense the product?
   
A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700
rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?
 
If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge
of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in
the ozone layer?
 
A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many hound dogs will be killed?
 
A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in
a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5
children. Can each of the children place a mobile home
on the man's land?
 
A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards
down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The
brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary
roads, what are the chances that it will strike a
vehicle that has a muffler?
 
A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift.
A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift.
How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked
during the shift?
 
At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5%
per generation, how long will it take a town that has
been bypassed by the interstate to breed a
country-western singer?

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Engineers Explained
« Reply #49 on: January 08, 2008, 01:27:40 AM »
I don't know who to credit for this but it seems
fairly accurate:

-----
People who work in the fields of science and
technology are not like
other people.  This can be frustrating to the
nontechnical people who
have to deal with them.  The secret to coping with
technology-oriented
people is to understand their motivations.  This
chapter will teach you
everything you need to know.  I learned their customs
and mannerisms by
observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned
about the great apes,
but without the hassle of grooming.
     
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody
wants to be one.  The
word "engineer" is greatly overused.  If there's
somebody in your life
who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give
him this test to
discern the truth.
     
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
     
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is
hanging crooked.
You...
     
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months
designing a
solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while
often stating aloud
your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total
moron.
     
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be
given to anybody who
writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or
simply blames the whole
stupid thing on "Marketing."
     
SOCIAL SKILLS
     
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to
social interaction.
     
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several
unrealistic things from
social interaction:
     
   *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
   *Important social contacts
   *A feeling of connectedness with other humans
     
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have
rational objectives for
social interactions:
     
  *Get it over with as soon as possible.
  *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
  *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all
subjects.
     
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
     
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be
placed into one of two
categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and
(2)things that will need
to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play
with them. Engineers
like to solve problems.  If there are no problems
handily available, they
will create their own problems.  Normal people don't
understand this
concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't
fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.
     
No engineer looks at a television remote control
without wondering what
it would take to turn it into a stun gun.  No engineer
can take a shower
without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would
make showering
unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box
full of
sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
     
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
     
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer,
assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been
satisfied.  If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if
no genitalia or
mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then
the objective of
clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
     
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
     
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows
and movies.  It's
a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship
Enterprise are
portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with
aliens.  This is
much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer,
which consists of
hiding from the universe and having sex without the
participation of
other life forms.
     
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
     
Dating is never easy for engineers.  A normal person
will employ various
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false
impression of
attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing
appearance above
function.
     
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole.  They
are widely
recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent,
dependable,
employed, honest, and handy around the house.  While
it's true that many
normal people would prefer not to date an engineer,
most normal people
harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus
producing engineer-like
children who will have high-paying jobs long before
losing their
virginity.
     
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual
attractiveness later than
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in
their mid thirties
to late forties. Just look at these examples of
sexually irresistible
men in technical professions:
     
     *  Bill Gates.
     *  MacGyver.
     *  Etcetera.
     
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of
consent and remain
that way until about thirty minutes after their
clinical death.  Longer
if it's a warm day.
     
HONESTY
     
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology
and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep
engineers away from
customers, romantic interests, and other people who
can't handle the
truth.
     
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work.
They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody
could be expected
to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is
listed below.
     
     "I won't change anything without asking you
first."
     "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
     "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
     "I'm not jealous of your new computer."
     
FRUGALITY
     
Engineers are notoriously frugal.  This is not because
of cheapness or
mean spirit; it is simply because every spending
situation is simply a
problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape
this situation while
retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
     
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
     
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it
is the ability to
concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion
of everything else
in the environment.  This sometimes causes engineers
to be pronounced
dead prematurely.  Some funeral homes in high-tech
areas have started
checking resumes before processing the bodies.
Anybody with a degree in
electrical engineering or experience in computer
programming is propped
up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or
she snaps out of
it.
     
RISK
     
Engineers hate risk.  They try to eliminate it
whenever they can.  This
is understandable, given that when an engineer makes
one little mistake,
the media will treat it like it's a big deal or
something.
     
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
     
 *   Hindenberg.
 *   Space Shuttle Challenger.
 *   SPANet(tm)
 *   Hubble space telescope.
 *   Apollo 13.
 *   Titanic.
 *   Ford Pinto.
 *   Corvair.
     
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks
something like this:
     
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of
innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome
plastic frame.
     
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this
balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.  The
best way to avoid
risk is by advising that any activity is technically
impossible for
reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
     
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project,
then the engineer
will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's
technically possible
but it will cost too much."
     
EGO
     
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
     *   How smart they are.
     *   How many cool devices they own.
     
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem
is to declare that
the problem is unsolvable.  No engineer can walk away
from an unsolvable
problem until it's solved.  No illness or distraction
is sufficient to
get the engineer off the case.  These types of
challenges quickly become
personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws
of nature.
     
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to
solve a problem.
(Other times just because they forgot.)  And when they
succeed in
solving the problem they will experience an ego rush
that is better than
sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other
people are involved.
     
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the
suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill.  Normal people
sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the
engineer.  When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code
phrase that means it's
not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned
to glance at the
engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say
something along these
lines:  "I'll ask Bob to figure it out.  He knows how
to solve difficult
technical problems."
     
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person
to not stand
between the engineer and the problem.  The engineer
will set upon the
problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.


Offline Alpha-Omega

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Things Only A True Southerner Knows
« Reply #50 on: January 08, 2008, 01:31:53 AM »

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a
hissie fit and a conniption ...
... and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH"
them.

Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard
greens, turnip reens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a
mess."

Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you
the general direction of "yonder."
 
Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long
"directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back
directly."

All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme
some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular
sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on
the middle of the table.

 
All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept
well.

 
Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the
best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got
trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl
of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a
real crisis, they also know to add a large banana
puddin'!)
 
Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece." They
also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or
20.
 
Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'
white trash.
 
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with
the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a
turn.
 
A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a
noun, a verb, or an adverb.
 
Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger"can
be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in"that
ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out
at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
 
Only true Southerners make friends while standing in
lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and
whenwe're "in line," we talk to everybody!
 
Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them
will discover they're related, even if only by
marriage.
 
True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."


True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to
eat them.

Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye
gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green
tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself
lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a
genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet
milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots
of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet
milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple
of friends, you could be with 2 or 10. The number
doesn't matter.
 
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream
obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on
the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go
your own way.



Offline Alpha-Omega

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Message From The Southern Tourism Bureau
« Reply #51 on: January 08, 2008, 01:33:15 AM »
A message from the Southern Tourism Bureau to Visiting
Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:
 
Behaviors that will make your visit much more pleasant
Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle
House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24
hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you
confuse them, they'll woop you.
 
Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie,
Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy
Joe, Billy Bob, Joe Bob, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we
will just HAVE to woop you.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a
flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up
or whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an wooping - and often does.
 
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also
better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer
to any group of us as a "bunch of hillbillies", or
we'll woop you. And you may be happy that we kicked
you ass when you think about the movie Deliverance,
remember?

We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI-WorldCom, MTV, Netscape, Walmart).
Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in
judgment (e.g., Edwards, Duke, Clinton). We don't care
if you think we are dumb because we know you are dumb.
Just remember, we are not dumb enough to let someone
move to our state in order to take our seat in the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would woop
them.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be
paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving,
we'll have no other option but to woop you.
 
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is; we are
not dumb; see #5 above. Therefore, shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or
we'll woop you.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone
will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your
biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. When we are
forced to go up North, we have the good sense not to
ask for okra and collard greens on one of your hero
sandwiches. And don't put sugar on your grits, or
we'll woop you.
 
Don't fake a Southern accent. This will almost
assuredly incite a riot, and you will get wooped
multiple times by multiple people.
 
Don't talk about how much better things are at home
because we know better. Many of us have had to visit
Northern cities the likes of Detroit, Chicago, and DC,
and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
it here, Delta is ready when you are; in fact, they
are even ready before you are so they can get you out
of here. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.
 
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this
way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't
care if you don't understand what we are saying. All
other Southerners understand what we are saying, and
that's all that matters. If most of us had our way,
you would not be here to listen to us. Now, go away
and leave us alone, or we'll kick your butt.
 
Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.
None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.
If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll woop you
all the way back to Boston Harbor.
 
Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and
ma'am. We old doors open for others. We offer our
seats to old folks because such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll woop you
just like they did us. Where did you think we learned
all the varieties of wooping that we have perfected?

So you think we're "quaint" or "losers" because most
of us live in the countryside? That's because we have
enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly,
crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore.
Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll woop you.
 
Down here the sport that matters is football. Squash
is not a game; it is what happens to people in a
football game. The second most important sport is
spring football. If you insist on talking about tennis
or some other goofy game, you'll wind up with a
wooping.
 
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and
tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your rear
end shot - after it is thoroughly and properly wooped.
You're lucky we let you come down here at all.
Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine
box. Minus your well-wooped

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Do's and Don't when Visiting the "SOUTH"
« Reply #52 on: January 08, 2008, 01:56:56 AM »
Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle
House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24
hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you
confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie,
Ovine, Arvel, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth,
Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all
been known to kick ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a
flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up
or whatever- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are
also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't
refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick
your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of
Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV,
Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small
lapses in judgment (e.g., David Duke). We don't care
if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be
paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving,
we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so
shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell
out of here-or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone
will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your
biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your
grits, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot,
and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home
because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited
hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, LA, and DC, and we
have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,
Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before
it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this
way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't
care if you don't understand what we are saying. All
other Southerners understand what we are saying, and
that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick
your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.
None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake
Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and
we'll kick your ass all the way back to beautiful,
scenic Hutchinson Kansas or perhaps that popular
vacation spot of Sandusky, Ohio (or better, LOVE
CANAL).

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and
ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our
seats to old folks because such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.
So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most
of us live in the countryside? That's because we have
enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested
cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh
air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here
trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get
your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky
we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred
BBQ, and you go home in a pine box--minus your ass.

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Southern Hororscopes
« Reply #53 on: January 08, 2008, 02:00:45 AM »
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but
tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence.
An older Okra can look back over his life and see the
seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon
Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble
backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, can make something of
himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning.
In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt
like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and
Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an
overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the
surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep
into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you
are very intense and driven as if you had some inner
hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry
you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that
spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to
recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big
and round are the key words here. You should marry
anybody who you can get remotely interested in the
idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the
year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's
difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to
withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it
attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people
actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably
not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you.
One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your
problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign.
If you work in an office, you're hanging around the
water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the
mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the
bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be
particularly attractive physically, but you have very,
very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius
for communication. They love to get in the melting
pot" of life and share their essence with the essence
of those around them. Collards make good social
workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far
as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay
away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself
a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists
in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may
cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never
easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy
bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else,
Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be
with others like yourself. You like to huddle together
with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel
though, so maybe you should think about joining a
club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have
cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs. If you can go
somewhere where they have all these things, that
serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a
passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends
and loved ones, may find that your personality is much
too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply
because you are really much softer than you appear.
You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want
to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.
On the road of life, you can be sure that people will
always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter
Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well
with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be
proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel
at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next
to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything
to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to
develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite
gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire,
some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a
throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions
and trends. You're not concerned with anything about
today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and
behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another
Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky mating
possibility.

Offline Alpha-Omega

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SHOTGUN WEDDING
« Reply #54 on: January 08, 2008, 07:29:06 PM »
Girlfriend: Guess what, Brad!
Boyfriend: You're going to put a stud in your tongue and use ice cubes next time?
Girlfriend: No - I'm pregnant! :D
Boyfriend: s#*$.
Girlfriend: We're going to have a baby! :D
Boyfriend: f&#$.
Girlfriend: There's going to be the pitter-patter of little feet in the house! :D
Boyfriend: ARSE.
Girlfriend: What type of marriage would you like? White or peach?
Boyfriend: SCROTE.
Girlfriend: Ohmygosh I'm going to have to call all my girlfriends so they can come over to coo and fawn solicitously in a sickening display of female hormonal Pavlovian response! :D
Boyfriend: TIT.
Girlfriend: What's the matter, dear? I sense a divergence of our emotive dispositions at this juncture.
Boyfriend: I'M NOT MARRYING ANYBODY. GODDAMIT I'M ONLY 23.
Girlfriend: Well, my Daddy's a federal marshal. We *could* make it a Magnum funeral, if you prefer.
Boyfriend: ...
Girlfriend: (singing, unhelpfully) Goin' to the cha-pel an' we're - gonna get ma-a-a-ried...

Offline Alpha-Omega

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I Think You Are The father Of One Of My Kids'-???
« Reply #55 on: January 10, 2008, 12:08:22 PM »
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.  She says hello.  He's rather taken aback because he can't place her, so he says, 'Do you know me?'
 
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Shimadzu-PHASE 2
« Reply #56 on: January 12, 2008, 09:42:23 AM »
Ah so I passed the initial phone interview....and I would say my interaction on this forum is at leat in part responsible for that.  All this practice solving problems...sharpens your skills...

Oh do not ask me how all those answers came out of my mouth so quickly....and they were 100% accurate and correct....exactly what they weer looking for...Traditionally, phone interviews are the most uncomfortable part of an interview....esp when they are asking you technical questions...

Not this one...this one was GOOD...

So yesterday I got that call from the Regional Manager...and he is interviewing me next Wednesday...actually he is taking me to lunch....ahhhh another test...

There was an articlee in the NY Times that discussed the tactics companies take when interviewing you-when they take you to lunch they watch what you order and what you/how you treat your food...ex. if you put salt on your food before tasting it it means you are not experimental and curious...LOL....I got a kick out of that article...

OK Oh well  I like salt and lots of it...so TG this is an applications position....they would think my labs skills are sub standard....LOL

Anyway going to play mechanic today have work to do on my TA..car sure is a SWEEET RIDE...

Everyone have a great weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Offline Alpha-Omega

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The Real Story
« Reply #57 on: January 12, 2008, 04:51:51 PM »
The real story....


This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened
upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't think so.

Offline Alpha-Omega

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The Divorce Letter
« Reply #58 on: January 14, 2008, 11:31:10 PM »
To My Wife:

I'm writing  you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever.I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing
to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.  Your boss called
to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers.  You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps.  You don't tell me you love me anymore; you
don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.  Either
you're cheating on  me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case,
I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me.  Your SISTER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together!  Have a great life!



Dear  Ex-Husband  -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter  It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years,  although a good man
is a far cry from what you've been.  I watch my soaps so much because
they drown out your constant whining and griping.   Too bad that doesn't
work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first
thing that came to mind was "You look just like a  girl!"  Since my
mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I
didn't comment.  And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers:  I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning.  After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my
job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer
said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from  me.
So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S.  I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was
born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Scientific Discovery From South America
« Reply #59 on: January 14, 2008, 11:32:41 PM »
A South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity, read their email with their hand on the mouse..


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late


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