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### Topic: Chicago Diary  (Read 502869 times)

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#### Alpha-Omega

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##### Great I Cannot Come to Work Excuse
« Reply #90 on: January 21, 2008, 08:04:47 PM »
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

'What's the matter? ' he asks.

'I have a case of anal glaucoma, ' she says in a weak voice.

'What the hell is anal glaucoma? '

'I can't see my ass coming into work today.

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### The Husband Store
« Reply #91 on: January 22, 2008, 03:09:44 PM »
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### What Is A Man To Do?
« Reply #92 on: January 22, 2008, 07:24:43 PM »
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
husband,"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for$150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only$150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### Official Announcement
« Reply #93 on: January 23, 2008, 05:48:35 PM »
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!!!!!

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### Female Predators
« Reply #94 on: January 23, 2008, 10:25:50 PM »
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs,
to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target
unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now
available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and
in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman
needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered
helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often
succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to
whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men
often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them
the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad"
occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life
savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been
reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to
entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and
punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more
susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered
by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a
sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the
predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with
venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected,
like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
yellow pages

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### Five Surgeons
« Reply #95 on: January 24, 2008, 01:02:50 AM »
Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should trynelectricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when heobserved: "You're all wrong.Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable"

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### This Was My Day-And So How Was Yours????
« Reply #96 on: January 24, 2008, 06:01:31 PM »
OMG you should hear this...

Caller:  I have a big peak and a small peak

Ma’am now all you need is a medium sized peak  We got the Papa peak, and the Baby peak...now all we need is the Mama peak....OH NO this cannot not be for real....

Caller:  I have a big peak and a smaller peak and it keeps picking the big one and I do not know why??

Caller:  You have to help me?  I have no idea what is going on?

OK got that 3 sentences ago.. and you want me to DO WAHT EXACTLY?

ME:  Ma'am, what do you need help with?

Like tell me something anything....what you are analyzing, what system do you use, what columns do you have, I don't know I don't know, I don't know IS NOT A PROACTIVE RESPONSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Caller:  I need you to tell me why it just keeps picking that big peak…OMG….help me out here…

Caller:  The software just keeps picking the BIG PEAK..

GGEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  where is that bottle of FUCKITOL  Oh on the HUMOR FORUM....let me go git me some....NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ME:  Ma'am send me your data...in a backup file.

Caller:   OH OK...

She will never figure it out...

Caller:  I have another question..

OH OK Ask me that too...I am sure I can ...NO I CANNOT....

Caller:  My engineers have asked me if I can analyze mono....ethyl amine....on this column?

ME:  And what column do you have?

Caller:  I don't remember...can't you look it up?

YOU MUST BE KIDDING!!!!!....What you think I have column files for every caller at my desk....let me think  real fast...I got it...AHHHH she thinks we have LoJack for columns…..and what makes her think we would want it back after she used it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What would be the point-just ry and fathom the voids in the resin…..

ME:  Ma'am, you need to use a XX-ADCB to analyze that material.

Caller:  OH...that will just ruin the day of those engineers....they wanted to use this column…..

Well, wait....how do you know that....We still do not know exactly what column that is…you could not give me the model….what am I missing here...DING DING DING...

YES, SO WHAT I AM HAPPY NOW... WOULD ONE OF THOSE ENGINEERS PLEASE FIGURE A WAY TO REMOVE YOU FROM THAT PHONE....

« Last Edit: January 24, 2008, 11:04:32 PM by mebecker1 »

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### THE MOM TEST-Squeaky Clean-
« Reply #97 on: January 24, 2008, 06:23:43 PM »
Mom Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off
the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her
and I asked her not to do that.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,

"Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly.

"All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or
they don't let you be a Mom."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad."

''Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face.

When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### CALMNESS
« Reply #98 on: January 25, 2008, 07:25:05 PM »

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2012, 09:07:05 AM by Borek »

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### Two Old Gals
« Reply #99 on: January 26, 2008, 01:14:45 AM »
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One o f the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### The Staff Meeting
« Reply #100 on: January 26, 2008, 01:21:48 AM »
If only staff meetings could be this much fun. :

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff  meeting in the middle of particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the  benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was  to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for
other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week  went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### NEW MEDICINES
« Reply #101 on: January 26, 2008, 01:29:50 AM »
Subject: New Medicines!!!

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

What about amoxicoxinhandacillenethal     For people with drunk dick syndom!

#### Alpha-Omega

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« Reply #102 on: January 26, 2008, 07:38:05 AM »
The newly released National Prescription Card Program is now accessible
by all U.S. Residents, the program was recently seen on the FoxNews
website. You can now go to www.USRxCard.com/Foxnews to get a prescription
card. This card can be used at over 75,000 pharmacies nationwide. The
card reduces the cost of prescription drugs up to 80%.

Registering online for the card takes about one minute. Now there is a
national benefit program that is easily accessible and even easier to
use. Enroll online then Print out your card and take it to your
pharmacy, the cards are activated online immediatly when you register.

Just remember access code : FoxNews

This card is a National free program for all U.S. residents. With
already over 55,000 Americans on the card, the savings are increasing and
pharmacies are now offering larger discounts, and major pharmacy chains
now accept the USRxCard. This prescription card can still be used if you
have medicare, medicaid, or if you are insured, uninsured, or under
insured.

www.UnitedStatesRxCard.com/FoxNews

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### If Dads Were Left To Raise The Kids By Themselves-Part 1
« Reply #103 on: January 27, 2008, 08:56:22 PM »

Kids would get more rest.

Work would get done more efficiently.

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### If Dads Were Left To Raise The Kids By Themselves-Part 2
« Reply #104 on: January 27, 2008, 08:57:42 PM »
Potty training? Who needs it?

Kids would be more able to express their emotions!

Bath time would be more fun!