February 22, 2020, 02:41:56 AM
Forum Rules: Read This Before Posting

### Topic: Chicago Diary  (Read 482142 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

#### Alpha-Omega

• Full Member
• Posts: 693
• Mole Snacks: +360/-231
• Gender:
• Physical Inorganic Chemist
##### Chicago Diary
« on: December 31, 2007, 10:52:30 PM »
THE CHEMIST'S RECIPIE FOR CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

The following recipie for chocolate chip cookies recently appeared in Chemical & Engineering News (C&EN, Jun 19, 1995, p. 100). It was attributed to Jeannene Ackerman of Witco Corp.
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated
tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of
protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated
avain albumen-coated protien
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume
meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one, two, and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous.

To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

#### Alpha-Omega

• Full Member
• Posts: 693
• Mole Snacks: +360/-231
• Gender:
• Physical Inorganic Chemist
##### Chicago Diary
« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2007, 10:53:35 PM »
Chicago Diary
•   Aug 12: Moved to our new home in Chicago . It is so beautiful here. The landscape is so majestic. Can hardly wait to see it with snow. I love it here,
•   Oct 14: Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful country and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.
•   Nov 11: Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
•   Dec 2: It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looked like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel again. What a beautiful place. I love Chicago .
•   Dec 12: More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here!
•   Dec 19: More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Damn snow plow.
•   Dec 22: More of that white s#*$fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. *Ignore me, I am a weenie*! • Dec 25: Merry @*!!@#@! Christmas! More friggin snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-b$*%( who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ice.
•   Dec 27: More white s#*$last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white s#*$. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the stuff again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?
•   Dec 28: The friggin weatherman was wrong. We got 43" of that white s#*$this time. At this rate it won't melt before next summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the s#*$ he pushed into the driveway, I broke the last one over his head.
•   Jan 4: Finally out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those friggin beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed ALL of them last November. • May 3: Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that lousy salt they put all over the road. • May 10: Moved to Texas . I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would want to live in that God-forsaken state of Illinois . #### Borek • Mr. pH • Administrator • Deity Member • Posts: 25503 • Mole Snacks: +1669/-398 • Gender: • I am known to be occasionally wrong. ##### Re: Chemist Recipe for CCC « Reply #2 on: January 01, 2008, 06:35:12 AM » Seen that, and to be honest I can't believe someone prepared such a thing. IMHO no chemist in his right mind will give these volumes instead of masses, unless forced to ChemBuddy chemical calculators - stoichiometry, pH, concentration, buffer preparation, titrations.info, pH-meter.info #### billnotgatez • Global Moderator • Sr. Member • Posts: 3891 • Mole Snacks: +212/-55 • Gender: ##### Re: Chemist Recipe for CCC « Reply #3 on: January 01, 2008, 12:26:42 PM » I had posted this before in this very forum. It is amusing The one about exothermic or endothermic hell is here somewhere as well You can search these forums. #### Alpha-Omega • Full Member • Posts: 693 • Mole Snacks: +360/-231 • Gender: • Physical Inorganic Chemist ##### Human Chemistry « Reply #4 on: January 01, 2008, 04:18:21 PM » Human Chemistry Element: WOMAN Symbol: Wo Atomic Weight: 120 +/- Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical Properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. ----- Element: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: 180 +/- 100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flakey. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples. Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. #### Mitch • General Chemist • Administrator • Sr. Member • Posts: 5290 • Mole Snacks: +376/-2 • Gender: • "I bring you peace." -Mr. Burns ##### Re: Human Chemistry « Reply #5 on: January 01, 2008, 04:34:27 PM » good one, nice find. Most Common Suggestions I Make on the Forums. 1. Start by writing a balanced chemical equation. 2. Don't confuse thermodynamic stability with chemical reactivity. 3. Forum Supports LaTex #### Alpha-Omega • Full Member • Posts: 693 • Mole Snacks: +360/-231 • Gender: • Physical Inorganic Chemist ##### This Forum So Saves My Sanity « Reply #6 on: January 03, 2008, 12:44:35 AM » If it were not for solving these problems....LOL Might just lose my mind at work: Todays Philosophy: IC Philosophy...and I think I repeated this 18 times today- Columns are NOT plug and play devices, suppressors are self-regenerating they are NOT immortal, and you should NOT freeze or boil your standards. And OH BTW running 18.2 MOhm Water thru an electrolytic system for 4 DAYS...well....yes it will take quite awhile to reequilibrate.. WHAT A WONDERFUL 1st day back at work.. ok... these are the What, When, Who, How, Why of Chromatography troubleshooting as I learned them... Determines what gets detected... the column Determines when gets detected... mobile phase/column Determines who gets detected... analyst Determines how gets detected... anything but column Determines why gets detected... LIFE PEACE OUT #### Alpha-Omega • Full Member • Posts: 693 • Mole Snacks: +360/-231 • Gender: • Physical Inorganic Chemist ##### They Walk Among Us « Reply #7 on: January 03, 2008, 12:45:45 AM » I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up$46.64 charge. I
gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and I told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the$46.64. This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane.....They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free Lattes and Iwalked out the door. ....They Walk Among Us and Many Work
Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said, "Where?" ....They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime,
she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that
stuff."   ....They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week."   He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to
end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." ....They Walk
Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk of her car.
....They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. ....They
Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up.  She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived
yet?" ....They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it
cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding."Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces." ....Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF
ALL.....they VOTE!

#### Alpha-Omega

• Full Member
• Posts: 693
• Mole Snacks: +360/-231
• Gender:
• Physical Inorganic Chemist
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2008, 12:47:22 AM »

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

#### Alpha-Omega

• Full Member
• Posts: 693
• Mole Snacks: +360/-231
• Gender:
• Physical Inorganic Chemist
##### Only In America
« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2008, 12:48:49 AM »
ONLY IN AMERICA!!!!
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America.....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

EVER WONDER ..

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
------------------

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

Did you smile?

#### Alpha-Omega

• Full Member
• Posts: 693
• Mole Snacks: +360/-231
• Gender:
• Physical Inorganic Chemist
##### HOW SMART ARE YOU???
« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2008, 12:54:10 AM »
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert The saying; "If y ou don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin.

WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else.

Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions??

If you said "glass," then! go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over

Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically

divided into West Germany and E ast Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors?

East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your "smart friends"

and hope they do better than you did.

#### Mitch

• General Chemist
• Sr. Member
• Posts: 5290
• Mole Snacks: +376/-2
• Gender:
• "I bring you peace." -Mr. Burns
##### Re: HOW SMART ARE YOU???
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2008, 01:27:36 AM »
Woot, got all of them.
Most Common Suggestions I Make on the Forums.
1. Start by writing a balanced chemical equation.
2. Don't confuse thermodynamic stability with chemical reactivity.
3. Forum Supports LaTex

#### Alpha-Omega

• Full Member
• Posts: 693
• Mole Snacks: +360/-231
• Gender:
• Physical Inorganic Chemist
##### Test For Dementia
« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2008, 01:28:52 AM »
Test for Dementia

B elow are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediat ely . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

absolutely wrong ! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Now add 10 . What is the total?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day , is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!

KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE

#### Alpha-Omega

• Full Member
• Posts: 693
• Mole Snacks: +360/-231
• Gender:
• Physical Inorganic Chemist
##### Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work!!!!!
« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2008, 01:30:14 AM »
Phrases you wish you could say at work:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Ahhh...I see the stupid fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

27. Do I look like a people person?

28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

29. I started out with nothing &amp; still have most of it left.

31. You!... Off my planet!

32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

35. Allow me to introduce my selves.

36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

42. Stress is when you wake up screaming &amp; you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

46. Chaos, panic, &amp; disorder - my work here is done.

47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

#### Alpha-Omega

• Full Member
• Posts: 693
• Mole Snacks: +360/-231
• Gender:
• Physical Inorganic Chemist
##### Disorder In The Court
« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2008, 01:33:28 AM »
They should have given the names of the Attorneys so we would not end up hiring one of them.

Subject:    Disorder In The Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
these
exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these attorneys are the
smartest of their profession. I hope none of them represented you.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Carrie!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn 't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Jesus Christ! Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 18th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... are you serious.....I was on my back gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, this guy's an *Ignore me, I am a weenie*, I
think I need a  different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table, wearing only a sheet,
wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! What the hell are you drinking ?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law.