The difference between "guts" and "balls":
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out
with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a
broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out
with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick
on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and
having the balls to say, "You're next."
IT'S NOT JUST BLONDES....
Make sure your brain's engaged before you put your
mouth in gear...
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...or that you could
crawl into a hole?
These are testimonials of a few people who did.
1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you
charge for a shampoo and a blow-job?"I turned around
and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word... he knew better.
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds
of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I
had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I
was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think
I like playing with men's balls."
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we
were looking at the display case, the boy behind the
counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No,
I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to
laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away. This my sister has
never let me forget.
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my
toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran
amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I'll
tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee
last night!". The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what
they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity
and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me
were screams of laughter.
5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems
with potty training and I was on at him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something
funny. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go
potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that
child has had an accident and don't have any clothes
with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you sure you didn't
have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that
he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny,
did you have an accident?" This time he jumped
up,yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While
30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for
the best laugh they'd ever had!
6. Here's what happens when you predict snow but
don't get any. A true story!! We had a female news
anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me
last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!