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#### Alpha-Omega

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##### What kind Of Hormones Are Running Thru Your IC System?
« Reply #285 on: April 07, 2008, 03:10:09 PM »
What kind Of Hormones Are Running Thru Your IC System?

Caller:  Hi, this is _ _ _  from _ _  in _ _ and I am calling to set up a service call for our XYZ1234 system.

Tech:  OK, ma’am what seems to be the problem?

Caller:  The baseline is all over the place.

OK…so I have the out…set up a service call….someone remind me to leave well enough alone!!!!!!

Tech:  What does the baseline look like? Is it spiky, wavy,  sinusoidal?

Caller:  What does that mean?

OH…why do I try!!!!!!

Tech:  Ma’am, if it is wavy-sinusoidal-irregular and you have pressure fluctuations, that is usually related to dirty/sticky pump check valve cartridges.

Caller:  is that something we can fix?

Usually, but in this case….WHY DID I OPEN THE DOOR???

Tech:  Yes ma’am.  I am setting up your service call since the system is under warranty.  I will send you instructions on how to service the pump.

Caller:  Ok, let me put the guy/tech on the phone with you who will do that.

OH, GREAT!!!!! SURE THING!!!!!!

New Caller:  Hi…my name is….and so what do we do…

Tech:  Sir, what kind of eluent are you using?

New Caller:  Eluent?

Tech:  Mobile phase?

New Caller:  “Hey Ida….they want to know what kind of hormones are you running thru that system?

NO!!!!  NO!!!!!  NO!!!!!  I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!OK!!!!!  WTF…HOW THE HELL!!!!!  MUTE BUTTON…..MUTE BUTTON…OK….OMG  IS HE JOKING….HORMONES….I AM TRYING TO MAKE THE CONNECTION….NEVER MIND…Let me always remember to leave well enough alone!!!!!!!!!!  GGGGEZZZEEEEEEEEEE

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### Why Did I Break 2 Columns Today?
« Reply #286 on: April 08, 2008, 10:58:28 PM »
Why Did I Break 2 Columns Today?

Caller:  Hi…my name is  _ _ _  _ _ _ _     _ _ _ _    _ _ _ _ _ and I am a PhD, MS, BS, AS, and am a PostDoc at Institute  for S_ _ _ _ _ _ B_ _ _  _ _ _ in Seattle, WA.  I have worked with  _ _ _ _ _  equipment for  X years and I want to know if you have changed your manufacturing processes for your columns?

OK this dude wants to ROCK MY WORLD…I mean look at all those credentials…..I could wallpaper my entire house with those…Only 1 reason for all that touting (besides insecurity…and lack of respect from his coworkers)…HE DID SOMETHING AND HE WANTS SOMETHING!!!!!!…and it never impresses anyone anyway….WTF did he do?

Tech:  No sir, we have not changed any of our manufacturing processes for  _ _ _ _ _ _ columns.

Caller:  Well I want to know because I broke 2 today.  I mean they broke into pieces…resin pouring all over the place…and I know what I am doing and I want you to tell me why I broke 2 columns in 1 day!!!!!!

OK we have just broken the sound barrier…this guy is at 100 db EASY…This is NOT GOING TO GET HIM WHAT HE WANTS…NOT FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LMAO…he has all those credentials and he wants me to tell him why/how he broke 2 columns in 1 day.  Doesn’t he know?  I mean how may does he usually break in a day.  Hell they take 400 Bar max.  This is going to be good.

Tech:  Sir, I really do not know how to respond to/answer you question. I do not know your operating conditions or what you are analyzing.  I need a lot more detail regarding your system.

Caller:  Well, we have thousands of systems here.  And I am a PhD…and a Post Doc…and I am NOT A BIOLOGIST….and I know what I am doing…so tell me why I broke 2 columns!!!!!!!!!  The Part Number is 12345 and the Serial Number is 55577.  So how/why did I break them?

HA HA HA HA HA LOL LMAO…OK…let me think of something…LOL LOL…MUTE LMAO…LOL….MUTE…OMG why do I always get these calls…and the Biologists that work there better watch out for this one…he hates Biologists….with a true passion….LOL LOL LOL  OMG it is all in the name of the Institute he works at …one of the top 15 US Institutes…their annual symposium is on the 20th ….These guys need to do some serious screening!!!!!! They need to bar this guy!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Sir, I have 2 ways to go here.  I can put you in touch with your Sales or Service rep.  Basically, you feel that the columns were mal-manufactured….so I need to put you in touch with one of them….

Is he kidding Columns broken in half resin pouring all over the floor and he knows what he is doing…OK THEN  SO DO I!!!!!

Caller:  Can I have your name.

Tech:  ~M

Caller:  And your extension so I can call you back if I need to.

OH HELL NO….ONFW…No way no how…not for all the diamonds at Tiffanys….not for anything NO NO NO NO NO…OH HELL IF YOU CAN CALL ME!!!!!!!  Dr. Psychopath who hates biologists…and blew 2 columns to smitherines…NO NO NO...WHAT ARE YOU THINKING…..

Tech:  Sir, the best way to reach me is to call the 1-800# and ask for me by name.

Caller:  Well, I want to talk to my sales rep.  I know how much _ _ _ _ _ _ _  equipment we have here and we can buy from another vendor.  And I want someone to tell me how I broke those columns.  I am NOT a Biologist.  I know what I am doing...

OMG he is a nut case….OK…I mean the whole center is just laughing now!!!!!!!  I know what they do out there in Seattle....can't they...Change you into something...something.....something better than what you are!!!!! You are like something out of Resident Evil!!!!!!

Tech:  Sir, I am setting up the request now.  After I finish I will give you your sale’s reps phone#.

OH he is going to hate me!!!!!  I have enough time to warn him!!!!!!! Damn...this guy has told me 13 times he is not a BIOLOGIST...OK OK OK ....I get it...you are not a BIOLOGIST....you are too stupid to be a Biologist....and I am not in touch with your need to tell me that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caller:  CLICK…he hangs up….

OMG he hung up…Oh this is too weird….every person within a 50 foot range is ROTFLTFAO….I have successfully entertained the whole crew!!!!  Well, that is MY JOB!!!!!!

I called him back …no answer…still writing up the request….10 minute later guy in front of me gets call…

Other Tech:  Hey `M you lose this guy?

Tech:  Obviously I did not try hard enough…NO …he hung up….

Other Tech:  he is back…and wants to talk to you…

Tech:  OH NO…give him  _ _ _  _ _ _ _ _ _ ‘s #.

What a F#@^ing Liar….he hung up…took his meds…and now wants to speak to me…I THINK NOT!!!!!! We have one very stressed out Postdoc…who has blown up 2 columns…and he wants a replacement gratis…SO HE CAN DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!  Used them for years…OK then how come I had to add you to the system……YOU ARE NOT AND NAVER HAVE BEEN IN THE SYTEM BEFORE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

HA HA….Tech’s REVENGE…..DO NOT SCREAM AT ME ON THE PHONE….I HATE BEING SCREAMED AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Especially by a psycho who has a deep seated hatered for BIOLOGISTS….I have friends who are BIOLOGISTS!!!!!!!

OH my biggest secret…I have this nano scale manufacturing unit I keep in my desk….in that little tiny drawer most people do not put anything in…OH and on my breaks I make nano-scale columns….I am the ONE…THAT IS MY BIG SECRET….and then JUST FOR KICKS…JUST TO PISS PEOPLE OFF….I SABOTAGE THEM ……..I ENGINEER THEM SO THEY EXPLODE in end users faces!!!!!  JUST FOR FUN!!!!!!

GGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!
« Reply #287 on: April 09, 2008, 07:06:55 PM »
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said: 'NO!'

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, saved up tons of money, and had all the hot water to herself.

She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, rarely cried or yelled or argued, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

The End

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### Wife Prank Call Gone Wrong-Funny As Hell!!!
« Reply #288 on: April 09, 2008, 09:52:55 PM »

#### TaSt3MyRa1nBoW

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##### CHICKEN AND COW MAKING LOVE
« Reply #289 on: April 10, 2008, 11:11:00 AM »
What sound does it make when a Chicken and a Cow are having sexy time?
Brownchicken Browncow!

HAHAHAHA-if you dont find humor in this, go buy yourself a sense of humor.
**Please tell me you understood it and sang it like bow chicka bow wow, if not, all i can say is WOW
*Yes I Crank It Everyday, Haterz Get Mad Cuz...I Got Me Some Bathin Apes!

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### Greatest Prank Call EVER!!!!!!
« Reply #290 on: April 10, 2008, 11:33:41 PM »

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### Priceless!!!!
« Reply #291 on: April 20, 2008, 04:45:53 PM »
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's
just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed
to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear
to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do La maze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.

In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um....um....masturbate.

Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears
were now running down her face. "It's just.....that...I'm picturing you
pulling on its...its....teeny little.." she gasped for more air
to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to
be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140... 1 - Cage -$50...
Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker...Priceless #### Alpha-Omega • Full Member • Posts: 693 • Mole Snacks: +360/-231 • Gender: • Physical Inorganic Chemist ##### Murphy's Laws « Reply #292 on: April 20, 2008, 05:58:24 PM » Murphy's Laws 1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. 2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. 7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. 8. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. 10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many. 11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong. 12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." 13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. 15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing. 16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired. 18. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. 19. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...) 20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 21. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 22. People are always available for work in the past tense. 23. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 24. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. 25. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 26. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. 27. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. 28. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 29. The longer the title, the less important the job. 30. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. #### Alpha-Omega • Full Member • Posts: 693 • Mole Snacks: +360/-231 • Gender: • Physical Inorganic Chemist ##### How Can You Live Without Knowing These Things « Reply #293 on: April 23, 2008, 12:36:10 AM » How can you live without knowing these things? 1. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only... Ladies Forbidden" ... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. 2. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. 3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. 4. Men can read smaller print better than women can; women can hear better. 5. Coca-Cola was originally green. 6. It is impossible to lick your elbow. 7. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska 8. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% 9. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:$6,400

10. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

11. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

12. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

13. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

14. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

15. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

17. A cute mathematical trick: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

18. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the
person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

19. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't

20. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace

21. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Obsession

22. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find
the letter "A"?
One thousand

23. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all
have in common?
All invented by women.

24. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
Honey

25. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
Father's Day

26. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you
pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence
the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."

27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month... which we know today as the honeymoon.

28. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts,
and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

29. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to
get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

30. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

#### Alpha-Omega

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##### Funny Foreign English Phrases
« Reply #294 on: April 23, 2008, 11:10:49 PM »
Funny Foreign English Phrases

1. Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

2. At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

3. Doctor's office in Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

4. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL
YOURSELF.

5. In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

6. On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

7. In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

8. The best! In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

9. Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

10. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,
ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

11. Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM,
IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

13. A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

14. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

16. The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

17. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR  BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

18. In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.