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Topic: My men are very brave  (Read 75223 times)

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Offline notlove

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My men are very brave
« on: May 19, 2009, 01:23:34 PM »
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: “So how are your men?”

“Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.”

“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.”

“I’d like to see that.”

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”

“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idioy! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

“You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”

 ;D ;D ;D
« Last Edit: May 19, 2009, 01:59:44 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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If Women Ruled The World
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2009, 01:32:57 PM »
1) Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
2) PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

3) Men that slept around would come with records, just like guys keep maintenance records on cars.

4) Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

5) Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

6) Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

7) Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity and men would be required to go to clothing stores or malls to help women pick out new outfits.

8) Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

9) Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

10) Men would be required to learn phrases like “I’m sorry”, “I love you”, “You’re beautiful”, “Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit”.

11) All toilet seats would be nailed down.

12) TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
13) All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

 ;D ;D
« Last Edit: May 19, 2009, 02:00:02 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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I like the way you think!
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2009, 11:28:43 AM »
Little johny’s school is having show and tell, so the teacher starts a “Guess Whats Behind My Back” game. She goes to her desk and picks up a item. She says, okay class, what am I holding, its RED, ROUND, and SHINEY. Little Johny replies I know teacher its an apple, The teacher replies, no little johny, But I like the way you think.

So the teacher goes gack to her desk picks up another item. She says, okay class, what am I holding now, its YELLOW, and SOFT. Little Johny replies I know teacher,its a bannana. The teacher replies, no little johny, its a tennis ball. But I like the way you think. At this point little johny is furious. Okay teacher, this one’s for you, he stuck his hand in his pocket and said okay what am I Holding, Its ROUND, HARD, and has a HEAD. The teacher says, Little johny, go to the office right now, you are in trouble. Little johny replies, for what teacher, its just a quarter, but I like the way you think.

« Last Edit: May 20, 2009, 12:18:21 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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In The Church
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2009, 11:31:16 AM »
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long service at their Church. One leaned over and whispered, “My butt is going to sleep.”

Her friend leaned over and said, “I know. I heard it snore three times.”
« Last Edit: May 20, 2009, 12:18:32 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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How did you make your fortune?
« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2009, 11:51:05 AM »
- How did you make your fortune?

- I became the partners of a rich man; he had the money and I had experience.

- How did that help?

- Now he has experience and I have the money.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2009, 12:18:41 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2009, 12:28:42 AM »

**Pick Up**


“Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy, She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Frank”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now”

Brief Pause

“Uh, okay then, …this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it Daddy”

“And what happened honey?” he asked

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool??”…Is this 555-7039??

« Last Edit: May 22, 2009, 03:04:05 AM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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yankee/ vietnamese
« Reply #6 on: May 25, 2009, 12:53:03 PM »
On a flight from Saigon to Los Angeles, an American sat beside a Vietnamese. American asked Vietnamese, “What kind of “ese” are you?

“Excuse me?”

“What kind of “ese” are you?”

“Excuse me, I don’t understand what you meant.”

“Stupid! Are you Vietnamese, Chinese or Japanese?”

“Oh! I am a Vietnamese.”

After 2 hours. Vietnamese asked American: “What kind of “kee” are you?

“What? What do you mean by key?”
“Are you monkey, donkey or Yankee.”

« Last Edit: May 25, 2009, 12:59:59 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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Viagra Wife Diary
« Reply #7 on: May 25, 2009, 01:12:34 PM »
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife…

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven’t noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson’s Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem’. It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn’t life wonderful but it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it’s very nice - I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I’m also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over….

Day 11
I’m basically being screwed to death. It’s like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He’s a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous…

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry” thing again, I’ll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I’ll have to kill him. I’m starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference…Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

« Last Edit: May 25, 2009, 01:40:18 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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Ten signs your sick of the holidays
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2009, 01:46:13 AM »
You’ve got red and green bags under your eyes

You’re serving reindeer pot pie

When you hear, “Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin’?,” you scream, “No! I’m not listening!”

You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun

You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

Instead of spending time with family, you’re watching some guy make photo copies

You’re busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.

You’ve got eggnog coming out of your ears

Your standard response, “And happy holidays to you too, you bastard”

Two words: tinsel rash

« Last Edit: May 26, 2009, 04:01:16 AM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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They are boasting about race records
« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2009, 05:17:29 AM »
They’re boasting about race records
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”
« Last Edit: June 05, 2009, 01:00:12 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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The least successful weather report
« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2009, 01:14:10 AM »
After very heavy rain in Jeddah in January 1979, the Arab News gave the following report:

“We are afraid that we are unable to give you a weather report. We usually get information about the weather from the airport, but the airport is closed today because of the weather. It is possible that we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow, but only if the weather gets better.”
« Last Edit: May 28, 2009, 02:42:56 AM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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The Dog that takes you into the Bar
« Reply #11 on: May 29, 2009, 02:03:32 PM »
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they say to each other “I’m thirsty.” They see a nearby bar and walk up to it.

Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO DOGS. They thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do with no luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, “I have an idea! Do what I do.”

The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and tried to get in but a big muscular man stopped him. “Where do you think you’re going?” asked the big man. “This is my seeing-eye dog.” said the man hoping for good feedback. “Alrighty mister, go right in.” said the big man. The doberman man walked in.

The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as the first man. “Where are you going?” asked the big man. “I’m going into the bar, this is my seeing-eye dog.” he said. “A chihuahua?” asked the big man with suspicion. The other man, playing his part yelled, “They gave me a chihuahua!?”
« Last Edit: May 29, 2009, 02:36:17 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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Facts About Old Men and Women
« Reply #12 on: May 29, 2009, 02:08:00 PM »
Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library——-under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife’s menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you’re mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she’s with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don’t wear a brassiere. The additional hanging “weights” will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?

A: ‘Gee, I have one of these.’
« Last Edit: May 29, 2009, 02:36:07 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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My Love You Seem So Familiar
« Reply #13 on: May 31, 2009, 01:32:03 AM »
An extremely drunk man walks into a bar. He looks around for a while and, after staring at the only woman seated at the bar for some time, stumbles over to her and kisses her full on the lips. Shocked and outraged, she jumps up and slaps him hard. He apologizes immediately and explains, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. I love my wife and you look just like her.”

Not convinced of his innocence the woman yells,” I don’t think you love anyone but yourself, you stupid, useless, crazy, drunk!”.

“Wow this is amazing,” he hiccups, “You also speak just like her.”

« Last Edit: May 31, 2009, 04:21:22 AM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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Real 911 calls
« Reply #14 on: May 31, 2009, 01:35:43 AM »
    *  Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
    * Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
    * Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
    * Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

    * Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
    * Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
    * Dispatcher: Excuse me?
    * Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
    * Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
    * Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

    * Dispatcher: 911
    * Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
    * Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
    * Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
    * Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
    * Caller: No
    * Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
    * Caller: Running from the Police.

    * Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
    * Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
    * Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
    * Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
    * Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
    * Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

    * Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
    * Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
    * Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
    * Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

« Last Edit: May 31, 2009, 04:28:53 AM by Borek »

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