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Topic: My men are very brave  (Read 75136 times)

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Offline notlove

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My Boyfriend is Stuck
« Reply #15 on: June 01, 2009, 02:26:59 AM »
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.

“Go to the road and get help,” he said. “I don’t have anything to cover myself with!” she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

“You’ll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,” he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

“My boyfriend! My boyfriend!” she sobs, “He’s stuck and I can’t pull him out!”

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: “Ma’am, if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’s a goner!”
« Last Edit: June 01, 2009, 02:55:42 AM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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America vs. Russia
« Reply #16 on: June 01, 2009, 09:49:35 AM »
The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ——- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ——- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing,” an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”
« Last Edit: June 01, 2009, 11:34:44 AM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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A Medical Problem
« Reply #17 on: June 02, 2009, 11:44:59 AM »
An old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?”

“Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.”

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson’s office. “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I’m farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,” said the doctor soothingly. “Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, we’ll work on your hearing!!!”

« Last Edit: June 02, 2009, 12:07:42 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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Bar Translations
« Reply #18 on: June 02, 2009, 12:10:52 PM »
“No, really, I’m OK to drive.”
–I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

“I’m not used to these darts.”
–I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

“You get this one, next round is on me.”
–We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”
–Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

“I haven’t seen you around here for a long time.”
–You stuck up little —–, too good for your old friends??

“Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
–I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

“Lets get out of here.”
–I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.

“Ever try a body shot?” (female to male)
–If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?

“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female)
–You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

“I don’t feel well, lets go home.” (male)
–I’m horny.

“I’ve had like 10 beers already.”
–I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

“Who’s got the next round?”
–I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

“Excuse Me.” (male to male)
–Get the f— out of the way.

« Last Edit: June 02, 2009, 12:15:14 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA
« Reply #19 on: June 03, 2009, 12:08:26 PM »
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.  The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay!  Okay! I’m a rabbit!  I’m a rabbit!

« Last Edit: June 03, 2009, 02:20:55 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman
« Reply #20 on: June 04, 2009, 12:05:21 PM »
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flys landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.

The Scotsman scooped at his beer until he washed the fly out and then continued drinking.

The Irishman carefully picked the fly out of his drink, then held it out over the beer and started yelling “SPIT IT OUT YOU ——-! SPIT IT OUT!!!!”


« Last Edit: June 04, 2009, 02:46:35 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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Persistent Idiot
« Reply #21 on: June 04, 2009, 12:15:05 PM »
I manage a simple web site for my employer (a small charity), and owing to the purchase of a domain name I emailed the details of the new URL to several website owners who were known to have maintained links to us at our old address.

A couple weeks later I received this message:

“Dear John” (my name is not John). “Please send me your advertising rates”

A simple request. The only problem is that we have never carried advertising. I emailed him back:

“Dear ***, Thanks for your enquiry, but I am afraid that we do not carry advertising within our website”

Message returns:

“Dear John” (Doh!) “Yes, I would like to advertise on your web site - please let me know how much it will cost.”

I replied in much the same vein as before i.e. We do not carry advertising. We will never carry advertising. We have never carried advertising. There are no rates. Go away.

Message returns:

“Dear John” (I’m getting tired of being called John). “I would like to renew the advertising that I had with you a while back. How much does it cost now?”

By now I’m getting a little pissed. I reply.

“Dear ***, As I have stated repeatedly, we have never carried advertising within our website. You cannot therefore renew advertising that we have never carried. In the unlikely event that we should start to carry advertising in the future then you will be the first to know, but don’t hold your breath. In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you would stop sending me requests for our advertising rates. We don’t have any. Furthermore, my name is _not_ John (as you may see by reading the sig at the bottom of every message I have sent).”

Message returns yesterday:

“Dear John” (AAAAAAARGH!). “I enclose my copy for the advertising…….”

My reply:

(Several hundred swear words deleted.)

“Dear ***, as you obviously do not understand plain English, try this for size. CONSIDER YOURSELF KILLFILED.

Actually I didn’t send that reply - I just wish I had. He has, however, been added to my bozo list. I wonder if the schlemeil is gonna be visiting the web site daily, looking for his advertising…….


« Last Edit: June 04, 2009, 02:47:54 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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Eve and adam
« Reply #22 on: June 05, 2009, 11:55:31 AM »
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God…  “Lord, I have a problem!”  “What’s the problem, Eve?”  “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”  “Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.  “Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”  “Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”  “What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?”  “This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.  He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.  He will look silly aroused, but since you’ve being complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your… ah, physical needs.  He’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.  He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advise to think properly.”  “Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”  “Yeah, well…. you can have him on one condition.”  “What’s that, Lord?”  “As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring…So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first…So, just remember… it’s our secret… Woman-to-woman!”
^LOL^!!!  :D :D  :D

« Last Edit: June 05, 2009, 01:29:29 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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The bomb and the pilot
« Reply #23 on: June 06, 2009, 09:53:03 AM »
3 people were on a plane. One said to the pilot, “I have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?” The pilot told him to throw it out the window. The second one asked the same question and the pilot also told him to throw it out the window. The third one asked the pilot, “I have a bomb. What do I do with it?” The pilot told him to throw it out the window. When they landed they met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied, “Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle. They met a woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, “Because I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up.
^LOL^!!!

« Last Edit: June 06, 2009, 10:45:18 AM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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A Dictionary for Women
« Reply #24 on: June 10, 2009, 12:11:52 PM »
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit “inquire.”

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner”.

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician”.

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers”.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself…anyway.

« Last Edit: June 10, 2009, 12:31:24 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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How to Speak About Women and Be Politically Correct
« Reply #25 on: June 10, 2009, 12:14:31 PM »
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED-AMERICAN.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2009, 12:39:55 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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Children
« Reply #26 on: June 12, 2009, 12:52:52 PM »
Mrs. McGervey was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O’Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. McGervey and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’

The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father.’ They then parted ways.

Some years later they
met again. The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’ The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any
wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!’

The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! How is yer lovin’ hoosband doing?’

She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle.

« Last Edit: June 12, 2009, 01:32:16 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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Ghost Hick
« Reply #27 on: June 14, 2009, 01:25:16 PM »
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”

« Last Edit: June 14, 2009, 02:26:23 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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Drunk 911 Call
« Reply #28 on: June 15, 2009, 02:41:38 PM »
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequilla. The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another. The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatidly asks for shots of tequilla until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore.

Disgustidly the man exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later the drunk comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone.

The drunk takes the phone and dials 911. When the police answer the phone the man says, “Somebody has broken into my car.

They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard.”

The police reply that they will be down in a few minutes. The man walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 911 again. When the police answers the phone the man says, “I just called about a car that had been broken into. Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat.”

^LOL^^^ :D
« Last Edit: June 15, 2009, 02:42:08 PM by Borek »

Offline notlove

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Bad Taste
« Reply #29 on: June 15, 2009, 02:45:06 PM »
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquired.

“I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man.

“6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?”

“Yeah, my first blowjob,” the man answered.

“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”

“No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”


:D :D :D
« Last Edit: June 15, 2009, 02:51:43 PM by Borek »

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