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Offline Donaldson Tan

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Chemistry Jokes
« on: August 27, 2004, 04:37:37 AM »
> >A small piece of sodium which lived in a testube fell
> >in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I
> >melt whenever I see you" said the sodium. The bunsen
> >burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going
> >through".
> >---
> >A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender: "
> >How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him and
> >says: "For you, it's no charge".
> >---
> >Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
> >Because it was polar.
> >---
> >What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
> >A one molar solution.
> >---
> >What do dipoles say in passing?
> >Have you got a moment?
> >---
> >Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
> >Because it's in the ground state.
> >---
> >What do you do with a dead chemist?
> >Barium (bury them...just in case u dun get it:D)
> >---
> >What weapon can you make from the elements potassium,
> >nickel, Iodine and iron?
> >A KNIFe.
> >---
> >Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
> >They're cheaper than day rates.
> >---
> >What did one titration tell the other?
> >Let's meet at the endpoint.
> >---
> >Why are chemists great for solving problems?
> >They have all the solutions.
> >---
> >Do you know what happened to the chemist who was
> >reading a book about Helium?
> >He just couldn't put it down.
> >---
> >Why do chemistry professors like to teach about
> >ammonia?
> >Because it's basic stuff.
> >---
> >What is a cation afraid of?
> >A dogion
> >---
> >What did the match tell the flame?
> >Baby, you make me lose my head.
> >---
> >Why did the ice cube get divorced?
> >His wife said he was too cold.
> >---
> >Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen?
> >They bonded well from the minute they met.
> >---
> >What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
> >Methylated spirits.
> >---
> >If H20 is water what is H204?
> >Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . .
> >---
> >A psychotic chemist came home from work and had a big
> >fight with his wife. In the heat of the moment, he
> >grabbed a bottle of some lethal chemical substance and
> >forced her to drink it while he screamed: " Die Ethyl,
> >die". The wife dropped dead on the floor and the
> >neighbors who were watching the scene, decided to call
> >the police. The policemen arrived and arrested the
> >chemist. One of them asked: Was there any reason for
> >you to kill your wife? The chemist replied: " There
> >was no chemistry between us. We never bonded well
> >although we tried.In the compound where we lived, our
> >temperaments collided. She always responded negatively
> >to my comments. Our relationship was unstable. There
> >was no possible solution. She had an attitude and I
> >was explosive. Finally, I overreacted. But now I'm
> >glad it's over. I'm in equilibrium again.I will feel
> >free even behind the irons."
> >---
> >A group of organic molecules were having a party, when
> >a group of robbers broke into the room and stole all
> >of the guests joules.A tall, strong man, armed with a
> >machine gun came into the room and killed the robbers
> >one by one.The guests were very grateful to this man,
> >and they wanted to know who he was. He replied: My
> >name is BOND, Covalent Bond.
> >---
> >According to a chemist, why is the world so diverse?
> >Because it's made up of alkynes of people
« Last Edit: August 04, 2016, 02:55:58 PM by Mitch »
"Say you're in a [chemical] plant and there's a snake on the floor. What are you going to do? Call a consultant? Get a meeting together to talk about which color is the snake? Employees should do one thing: walk over there and you step on the friggin� snake." - Jean-Pierre Garnier, CEO of Glaxosmithkline, June 2006

Offline jdurg

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Re:Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2004, 11:02:34 AM »
Here are some HORRENDOUS jokes my high school chemistry teacher taught us to help us remember the latin symbols for some elements.

Au; Get away from my Gold!
C-u later copper!
Don't forget to P-b 4 you go to lead!
"A real fart is beefy, has a density greater than or equal to the air surrounding it, consists

savoy7

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Re:Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2005, 11:30:25 AM »
here's a stupid Hydrogen joke

one hydrogen atom says to another, "I think I lost an electron!"
the other states, "Are you sure?"
"I'M POSITIVE"

I know - stupid

Offline Curry

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Re:Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2005, 12:32:07 PM »
Is it just me or do chemistry teachers say corny jokes alot in class? I know mine does, it's actually pretty funny...
"You are common drunks!” “This is a rumor started by people I've fallen over."
"If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy."
"Brown Lettuce? What do I do, eat it or smoke it?"
"I thought you said he was dead." "He got better."
"'The tent is spinning around.' 'Which way?' 'Clockwise.' 'Mine's going counterclockwise. Maybe together we're sober.'"

Offline Alberto_Kravina

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Re:Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2005, 02:46:44 PM »
THESE JOKES ARE THE BEST THAT I'VE EVER HEARD! Really good job geodome!!


« Last Edit: June 06, 2006, 04:09:36 AM by Alberto_Kravina »

Offline Alberto_Kravina

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Re:Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2005, 02:52:30 PM »
here another good site, it's kinda funny...

http://www.scs-intl.com/images/prints/PTableL.jpg
« Last Edit: June 06, 2006, 04:10:15 AM by Alberto_Kravina »

Offline Kenichi

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Re:Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2006, 08:53:14 AM »
One of my favorites...
   If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate!
Honor is what you know of yourself. Reputation is what others think they know about you. Live by honor and let your reputation lie where it may. And outlive the bastards.

One day I will rule the world with my army of a mole of moles!

Offline jdurg

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Re:Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2006, 08:25:40 AM »
One of my favorites...
   If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate!

Okay, I seriously want to hurt you after that one.   ;) :D
"A real fart is beefy, has a density greater than or equal to the air surrounding it, consists

Offline constant thinker

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Re:Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2006, 08:56:35 PM »
Okay, I seriously want to hurt you after that one.   ;) :D

Being on jdurg's bad list will be a very unsafe thing after he gets his tax return. ;)

Definately chemistry teachers have some korny jokes. They make you chuckle. I like geodome's jokes though.  :)
"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' " -Ronald Reagan

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Offline Bakegaku

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Re:Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2006, 01:09:41 AM »
Is it just me or do chemistry teachers say corny jokes alot in class? I know mine does, it's actually pretty funny...


Last year my teacher did that all the time!  He seems to like the jokes I've told him from here, too.  My current teacher doesn't tell any jokes, though  :-[
"True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing"
-Socrates

"I see, I forget.  I hear, I remember.  I do, I understand"
-Confucius

"Nothing will benefit human health and increase chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet."
- Albert Einstein?

"American cartoons place characters in situations; anime
places situations around characters.  Anime characters
are not like fictional characters but more like fictional
people; their actions stem directly from their personalities,
and not just as a means to move the story's plot
forward.  We are made to sympathize with them, and
not simply be entertained by them."
~John Oppliger~

Offline Kenichi

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Re:Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #10 on: February 06, 2006, 06:07:45 PM »
One more for you guys...

Person 1: What's new?
Person 2: C over Lambda
Honor is what you know of yourself. Reputation is what others think they know about you. Live by honor and let your reputation lie where it may. And outlive the bastards.

One day I will rule the world with my army of a mole of moles!

Offline Furanone

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Re: Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #11 on: July 19, 2014, 12:49:22 AM »
Why did all the compounds elute out of the column immediately in the void volume during HPLC analysis?
It suffered from Retention Deficit Disorder

Why did the professor not allow his students to wear sandles while in the dairy lab?
He was lack-toes intolerant

What is the difference between Yogurt from North America versus the Yoghurt from Europe?
The Yoghurt from Europe is more acidic than the Yogurt from North America since it has an extra proton to donate.

Why shouldn't thin people perform the Soxhlet Analysis?
The tend to burn fat too frequently

Why do nude models tend to perform Mojonnier Analysis most accurately?
They are natural pouring stars







"The true worth of an experimenter consists in pursuing not only what he seeks in his experiment, but also what he did not seek."

--Sir William Bragg (1862 - 1942)

Offline Dan

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Re: Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #12 on: July 19, 2014, 10:17:05 AM »
Here's one:

Why don't organic chemists sit down in confession booths?

You can't get syn elimination from a chair.
My research: Google Scholar and Researchgate

david34

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Re: Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #13 on: June 08, 2016, 08:32:19 AM »
here's another one...

What did the element say to the police?
I CU Copper
« Last Edit: June 08, 2016, 11:44:09 AM by Borek »

Connorjcutler

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Re: Chemistry Jokes
« Reply #14 on: August 22, 2016, 07:58:35 PM »
A bunch of Atoms get on a bus. Tin tries to sit in the front but when silver walks in the bus driver makes him sit 3 seats behind silver. Nitrogen-14 cries “Daddy why does tin have to sit behind silver? That’s not fair!” Carbon-14 replied “Hes a poor metal, that’s where poor metals belong.” As they took their seat with the Non-metals.  Nitrogen-14 squealed as an atom approximately twice the size of her father (in van der waals) lumbered onto the bus. “Daddy who’s that hes huge!” Carbon-14 gulped “That’s frank. Hes unstable. I hope he gets off soon.” Francium collapses into the first seat of the bus. Silver quickly moved to the 9th seat in the D section of the bus to keep a safe distance from Francium. Tin groans and moves another 3 seats behind tin and flops into the 2nd seat in the P section. Argon walks in the bus looks at the bus driver and says chivalrously “I protest this segregation of elements.” He then nobly took a seat in the back of the bus. Carbon-14 stared jealously at Argon as he majestically strode past. “just look at that calm stable bastard. He thinks he’s so great” Carbon had always wanted an octet.  Neptunium walks on the bus obviously intoxicated.  The bus driver yells at him “We don’t have an F section on this bus! Get out!” Francium yells “get a job while you’re at it! Good for nothing!” Hydrogen was floating in the front of the bus in the S section when he sees fluorine walking toward the bus. Hydrogen begins to panic “Close the doors! Make him wait while I get out! No Flourine wait!” Flourine didn’t hear him through his head phones and the bus driver was too confused by the sudden panic of hydrogen to do anything. Hydrogen squeezed as far away from the walking aisle as he could but to no avail. When fluorine walked by Hydrogen screamed and got sucked up. Flourine got not knocked over by the impact. They both turned into a squabbling mess as they tried to separate. The busdriver jumped up and tried to help. The bus delayed as they tried to fix the mess. They struggled with the problem for 15 minutes trying to find a solution when suddenly francium began to scream “IM DECAYING!”
« Last Edit: August 22, 2016, 08:15:35 PM by Connorjcutler »

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